Well, one could hope anyway.
“Did you say something?” the nurse asked.
Ashley shook her head, took off her coat and draped it over her forearm.
The nurse handed her a surgical mask. “Use this if you plan to make any physical contact with the patient.”
The cheery yellow mask was littered with happy faces. Definitely not a reflection of Ashley’s mood. She felt like one big raw nerve walking around on two-inch heels.
The five-hour trip from Springfield, Virginia, hadn’t done much to soothe her. In fact, it’d done the exact opposite. Since Brayden had seemingly turned mute on the flight and subsequent drive from the airport to the hospital, that’d left her with way too much thinking time on her hands. Yet, she still didn’t seem any closer to making a decision.
A baby, even a hypothetical one, was definitely a lot to think about.
She’d never even changed a diaper—a truly ridiculous thought. And that was the least ridiculous and stressful thought of all the what-if-I-really-do-this? thoughts zipping through her head.
For starters, a baby would require a pregnancy. Specifically her getting pregnant.
By Brayden, no less.
Even if they did the procedure through insemination, which was a certainty, it still had an intimacy to it. Then, there was the waiting and the praying that the baby’s bone marrow matched Colton’s. From the info Brayden had given her to read on the plane, they’d have to wait until the ninth week of pregnancy for the amnio to determine if the hypothetical baby was a donor match.
As if that weren’t enough, then there was the whole after the amnio part. The remaining seven months of pregnancy. The delivery.
And especially the part after that.
The part that was still one gigantic blur in her head even though those five hours had given her plenty of time to dwell on it.
Ashley decided to let it stay a blur for a while. It seemed a wussy response, but a blur was the most she could handle right now. She’d have to think about it tomorrow, especially since she was within moments of seeing her nephew.
“If you’ll come this way,” the nurse instructed, “I’ll take you to Colton’s room.”
Ashley followed her and glanced around the hall. “We aren’t waiting for Brayden?”
“He’s still in with the doctors. He said he’ll join you when he’s finished.”
Okay. So she hadn’t expected to do this alone. But in some ways, it might be easier. Of course, she could say that about a lot of things that involved Brayden. Being around him had a unique way of unnerving her.
The nurse pushed open the door and led Ashley inside. Not the drab gray interior she’d expected but one with a brightly colored jungle mural. Taped to the wall were childlike drawings of what appeared to be Santa and some rather lopsided gifts. A miniature Christmas tree was sitting on the table beneath the drawings.
Ashley spotted Brayden’s sister, Katelyn, in a chair in the corner, and they exchanged silent but amicable greetings before Ashley turned toward the hospital bed.
There were machines, their screens registering various data with thready almost frantic jolts of movement. One of them was making a soft pulsing sound. And in the center of that was her nephew. Dana’s son.
He was so small.
That was her first reaction. Followed by what felt like a heavyweight’s fist to her solar plexus. Ashley actually had to catch onto the nurse’s arm.
“Do you need a moment?” the nurse whispered.
Ashley waved her off and forced herself to let go of the woman. Colton certainly didn’t need a visit from a wimp.
She took a few short deep breaths, moistened her lips, pulled back her shoulders and approached him. At the sound of her heels clicking on the tile floor, Colton’s eyes fluttered open, zooming right in on her.
Ashley had seen those green eyes before. Brayden’s eyes. It stirred at least a dozen new emotions just seeing them on a child she loved completely and unconditionally.
Many of those doubts and blurs evaporated. And Ashley knew. She’d made the right decision to come here. No matter what else happened, this was the right thing to do.
“Are you one of Santa’s helpers?” Colton asked, his voice sleepy. He had a blue dog-eared bunny tucked in the crook of his arm.
Ashley glanced down at her garnet-red pants and sweater. The outfit definitely had a holiday look to it. She smiled. She didn’t have to force it, either, even though her facial muscles felt a little out of practice. It’d been a while since she had smiled.
Two years, seven months and four days.
Much too long.
He smiled, too. Wow! What a face. Pure innocence cut with just the right amount of mischief. It broke her heart and warmed it at the same time.
“Nope. I’m afraid I’m not Santa’s helper. Sorry.” She sat in the chair next to his bed. “I’m your Aunt Ashley.”
“I got another aunt. Aunt Katelyn. Are you a cop like her?” He held up the fake “rookie-in-training” badge he’d had tucked in the covers.
“Nope. I’m sort of a bad guy. I’m a lawyer.”
His eyes widened. “Like my mom was?”
Oh, mercy. That put a lump in her throat. “Yep. Like your mom.” Because she wasn’t supposed to get too close, Ashley resisted touching those soft golden-brown curls that lay tousled on his forehead. “So, you want to be a cop when you grow up?”
“Sure. Like my daddy.”
“Good choice. He’s the best of the best. And I should know. I used to have to cross-examine him in court. He could be a real pain in the…neck.”
Colton giggled, as if he’d known what she’d almost let slip. But the giggle faded when his attention drifted to the machines surrounding him. “Did you come to visit me ’cause I’m sick?”
“That’s one of the reasons.” That required another deep breath. “But you’ll get better.”
“Dad says that, too. So do Grandma and Grandpa. And Aunt Katelyn and Uncle Garrett.”
Garrett. Brayden’s brother. Another cop. And yet someone else she’d routinely clashed with during her power attorney days. She doubted she’d receive any warm nonverbal greetings from Garrett O’Malley the way she had from Katelyn. Still, Ashley wouldn’t let that put a damper on this moment.
Colton cupped his hand around his mouth and lowered his voice. “I don’t want to be in the hospital for Christmas. There’s no chimney, and Santa might not be able to find me here.”
That brought on more than a lump in her throat. It was an entire boulder. “Oh, Santa will find you all right,” Ashley said, speaking around that boulder. “I’m a lawyer, remember—I’ll subpoena him or something. Besides, it’s two weeks until Christmas, and you might be home by then.”
He shrugged, apparently not sure he believed that. Ashley silently cursed. Three years old was much too young to lose hope.
Maybe twenty-nine was, too.
For some reason, looking at Colton’s sweet innocent face gave her hope. Ironic since she hadn’t been able to find hope since Dana’s death.
“Santa will find you,” she promised. “I’ll make sure of it.”
She watched as he considered that with those now pensive green eyes. He gave a little satisfied nod. “Can you make it snow, too?”
Ashley