Usually he resisted telling people about his personal circumstances for as long as he could. This time, instead of reliving the horror by bringing it up, he found some relief in sharing his secret. It was somehow less painful than he’d imagined. In that brief moment he’d been able to actually be himself and stop pretending he was a man who had it all. As if he’d exhaled the toxins of the past in one deep, cleansing breath.
It was something he should’ve confided a long time ago. He knew Maria and plenty of others were curious about his wedding ring and lack of wife but he’d never been drawn to spill the details. It would only have led to more questions he wasn’t prepared to answer.
There was something he recognised of himself in Jessica. Something about her which put him at ease in her company. Something dangerous.
‘I’m sorry.’ Jessica mentally facepalmed as she suffered a bout of foot-in-mouth disease. She would never have made such crass comments if she’d known he was a widower. In truth, she’d only said those things to remind herself that he was out of bounds. Her libido had pinged back to full strength when she’d felt those strong muscular thighs beneath her fingers. Now here she was having hot flashes which were more to do with lusting over a grieving man than her hormones. Mother Nature’s timing was as atrocious as ever.
‘Thanks.’ Rob kept his eyes firmly on the road, leaving Jessica unable to read him. His locked-out arms and firmly set jaw told her she probably wasn’t meant to, but it would be remiss of her not to probe further when he’d volunteered that first revealing nugget.
‘Was your wife Scottish too, or local?’ It was a question Jessica deemed not too intrusive but designed to give her an idea of the timeline involved here. He was still wearing his wedding ring after all. Rob had been at the hospital for a few years, so if he’d met his other half after he’d started his post here it could have been a recent passing. Even Jessica wouldn’t put a newly bereaved doctor in front of the camera if he still had issues to work through. She made a note to quiz Maria Dean, the senior nurse on staff, who, unlike Rob, always seemed happy to talk.
‘Leah was from Edinburgh, same as me.’ The muscle in Rob’s jaw twitched and Jessica could almost hear his teeth grinding together.
A name. An indication that he’d probably come to Northern Ireland after her death. Progress.
‘Do you mind me asking—’
‘Can we drop this, please?’ This time he did look at her, shooting blue laser beams at her and leaving her under no illusion that the subject was a no-go zone for the foreseeable future. Apparently he did mind, cutting her off before she could enquire about what had happened to Leah.
‘Sure. Sorry.’ She was. Sorry she’d got him offside again, sorry he’d lost his wife and, most of all, sorry she’d brought it all back to him.
They spent the rest of the car journey to work in silence, Rob clearly lost in his memories and Jessica unwilling to say anything more in case she upset him further. If circumstances were reversed, she wouldn’t appreciate anyone prying into her past to open old wounds either. Although her ex was still very much alive, it didn’t make reminders of him any less painful. Each time Adam came to mind, he brought thoughts of her own failings with him.
Perhaps Rob was going through something similar, taking the blame for events most probably beyond his control. She’d only recently begun working free of that guilt trap herself. That was why this job meant so much to her. Although she’d ultimately flunked the wife exam, she could still be a success in other areas of her life. It had taken a long time for her to come to terms with that.
It was possible she’d found a kindred spirit who’d also channelled all of his energy into his career rather than risk the heartache of another relationship. The thought comforted her even though the renewed awkwardness between them was palpable, since Rob didn’t seem inclined to even switch the radio on. Jessica didn’t dare defy him any further by doing it herself.
The heavy atmosphere in the car only began to lift when the familiar glass building came into sight. Most likely he was as eager to get to work as she was and check his personal baggage at the hospital door. There was nothing like deadlines and adrenaline to clear the head first thing in the morning.
Jessica unclipped her seat belt and reached for the door handle. ‘Thanks for the lift. I’ll jump out here.’
While Rob waited for the barrier to open at the entrance to the staff car park, Jessica made a swift exit from the vehicle to give him some time out. Maybe if he had some space from her for a few minutes he could forget she’d done the one thing she’d promised not to do. Privacy was his keyword and she’d tried to swerve his to satisfy her own agenda. Since he was the lead here it was going to take an extra effort to convince him she wasn’t Satan’s daughter recording peoples’ suffering for kicks. He was the first man since Adam whom she wanted to know there was a soft heart beneath her crisp, ruthless producer shell.
‘Did I see you arrive with Jessica this morning?’ Maria interrupted Rob’s thoughts as he flicked through his schedule for the day.
‘My good deed for the day. Don’t read anything into it.’ He warned her off before she started her matchmaking mischief again. Ever since coming here he’d had to endure her futile attempts to see him settled down again.
He was sure Maria meant well but he needed a break from awkward dinner dates and disappointment. He didn’t want to forget. Grief, Leah and Mollie were all part of him. He didn’t want to move on and pretend that the best and worst things in his life had never happened. His wife and daughter deserved to be remembered and he deserved to live with the guilt of what had happened for the rest of his life.
Luckily for Maria, he could never get cross with her when she’d been his lifeline in a sea of despair. They’d immediately bonded over their shared devotion to their patients when he’d first started here. He hadn’t told her, or any of his colleagues, about the accident even though it was clear he was on his own. He didn’t want anyone to see him as anything other than a leader of his field. It was in everyone’s best interests that he remained the strong stalwart during the hardships they faced here and not simply another grieving parent. Although it didn’t stop her from setting him up with the nearest available spinster at every given opportunity.
‘Why not? She’s young, single, attractive …’
And definitely not the settling-down type. The ideal
‘I don’t dispute the facts but you forgot to mention nosy and incredibly frustrating.’ He’d known her only five minutes and she’d already unearthed more about his personal life than most of his colleagues were privy to. He wasn’t in a hurry to share any more.
‘Ah, she’s got under your skin already.’ Maria nodded with a knowing Rob-baiting smile.
‘Not at all.’ She was most definitely under his skin, to the point of irritation, but he didn’t want Maria encouraging Jessica’s interest, or vice versa. The last thing he needed was another concerned female hell-bent on getting him to dig deep into his emotion bank. That sucker was closed tight, hermetically sealed, weighted down and buried at the bottom of the River Lagan.
‘I had several meetings with her in the lead-up to filming. She’s no wallflower, that’s for sure. Definitely not afraid to voice her opinion or ask difficult questions. Is that what you’re afraid of?’ Maria cocked an eyebrow at him. She knew him too well.
‘I’m not averse to a strong-minded woman, as you very well know.’ He gave her a flirty wink and hoped it was enough to end the conversation.
Instead, Maria rested her hand gently on top of Rob’s in that sympathetic way that always made him want to push her away. He’d moved to Belfast to escape the pity party, not find himself as the guest of honour at another one. ‘Don’t give up on love. The right person