‘Wow, that’s, um, amazing,’ I said.
Lara caught my eye and snorted.
‘So how did you meet Alex?’ asked Lara. ‘I’ve seen pictures on Facebook, but I haven’t met him yet. It sounds like it’s all going well though?’
‘Yeah, it’s so good. I’m so lucky. We actually met through mutual friends at uni, but we didn’t really get together until this summer. He’s really nice. You’d like him. I think he knows Jez actually—are you two still hooking up?’
Lara groaned. ‘Sadly, yes. I do plan on ending it soon, but the sex is just so good … I mean, he’s a commitment-phobic idiot, but we’re having fun, so I guess it kind of works for now.’
‘Ah, I know what you mean,’ said Polly. ‘We’ve all been there, don’t worry. I reckon as soon as you find someone new, you’ll totally forget him.’
‘Yeah, maybe I’ll meet an incredibly eligible lawyer when I start my training,’ said Lara.
‘What? No, you cannot date your colleagues,’ cried Polly. ‘Trust me. That’s a recipe for disaster. Hey, what about you, Ellie, are you seeing anyone?’
‘Um, no, not right now.’
‘Oh, right,’ she said, eyes glazing over.
‘But I did have a thing with someone at the end of uni,’ I continued.
‘Oh my God, tell me everything!’
‘Well, it was just this guy called Jack. He was an artist, quite a few years older than me. We were dating for a while, we slept together, and it was all good.’
‘Um, and then what?’ asked Lily. I realised that by now the whole table was listening to me. ‘Oh my God, did you lose your virginity?! Shit, Ellie, that’s huge!’
I smiled weakly. I’d forgotten how gossip-hungry everyone at school had been. Considering I’d been one of the few girls to graduate with my virginity, the state of my hymen was clearly pretty big news.
‘Yep,’ I said. ‘Jack took my V-plates.’
‘Ahhh!’ everyone shrieked in excitement. ‘OMG, congrats, Ellie. How was it? That’s amazing—tell us everything.’
This was why I’d never send my daughter to an all-girls school—no question was off limits. At one point we’d even known each other’s period cycles.
‘It was good. I mean, we only did it the once, but it was fine. It didn’t really hurt.’
‘Oh my God, amazing. So then what happened?’ asked Katie.
Oh shit. Now I had to tell them that Jack hadn’t really cared about me and then gave me ‘the clap’. So much for trying to come across as new cool Ellie who has her shit together—this just proved I was the same girl who managed to bite a guy’s penis.
I glanced at Lara. She wouldn’t care if I lied. I looked at the girls. They were all sitting open-mouthed, waiting for the next instalment. I don’t think they’d ever been so interested in me when I was the virgin at school. Maybe I should go with the truth—if they wanted gossip, I could definitely provide that.
‘So … a few days later, we went for coffee and he told me how much he believed in true love, and that he’d never felt this way before.’ The girls gasped collectively. ‘Only, then he said that “Luisa” had changed his life. It turned out he wasn’t talking about me—he was talking about someone else.’
‘Oh my God, no way. That’s insane,’ said Lily. ‘I can’t believe that actually happened.’
‘Do you know what’s even worse?’ They all shook their heads. ‘Luisa had chlamydia.’
‘Wait, do you mean …?’
‘I got chlamydia from the one time I had sex.’
The girls burst into laughter, and I grinned with them. I’d never had a sex story to make them laugh before. Normally, it was me sitting there open-mouthed listening to their stories, but being the centre of everything was definitely more fun.
‘That is so funny, Ellie,’ said Maisie. ‘I mean, he sounds like a total wanker, but at least you got a good story out of it.’
‘Yeah, a story and an STD in exchange for my maidenhood. Not a bad deal.’
She laughed in response. ‘Exactly. Hey, Cass, didn’t you get chlamydia twice at uni? That was hysterical.’
‘OK, it wasn’t as bad as it sounds. It was from the same guy.’
‘I’m not so sure that makes it better, Cass,’ said Lara. ‘But if it makes you feel better, I once did something even worse. I broke Jez’s penis.’
‘What?’ I cried. ‘How have I not heard this story?’
‘Shit, did I never tell you?’ she said. ‘God, it was a couple of years ago now. I think you must have been away. It was so funny though. I was on top, and I think the angle was weird, because suddenly he screamed. I got off him and his penis was, like, bent in half. We had to go to hospital and it turned out that I’d given him a penile fracture.’
‘Oh my God, that’s hilarious,’ cried Lily, after we’d all stopped laughing. ‘Reminds me of when I ripped Max’s foreskin in Year Nine after a pretty vigorous hand job.’
‘And that time when you got caught giving him a blow job by his mum! That was amazing,’ said Cass. ‘Ooh, look, the food’s here. We’d better stop being so filthy or we’re going to get kicked out.’
I looked up and saw plates of tiny dishes being served out. There were dozens of them. Seeing as the cheapest thing on the menu was about £7, this was not good. ‘You already ordered?’ I asked uncertainly.
‘Oh yeah, we just got a massive selection of stuff though. We figured it would be easiest,’ said Polly. ‘Doesn’t it look incredible?’
Guess I wasn’t going to be eating a side for my main, then.
‘I cannot believe we ate all of that,’ I said to Lara as everyone else chatted around us. ‘I feel a bit sick now.’
‘I know, right? Especially when Tania decided it was a really good idea for us all to tell our grossest sex moments. Cass’s one is still making me feel a bit ill.’
‘Ugh, yes. Now that’s a new fear for me—remind me not to have period sex. I really can’t handle the thought of him withdrawing and blood splattering onto the white walls. I feel so sorry for sixteen-year-old Cass. Must have been mortifying.’
‘Oh, it was,’ said Cass, leaning over to us. ‘It looked like a scene from The Texas Chain Saw Massacre. There were these red dots on the walls. We had to wipe them off afterwards and they left brown smudges.’
‘Ew, Cass!’
‘But you know what?’ she continued. ‘Weirdly, I had the best orgasm of my life two seconds before bloodgate. Who knew?’
‘Hilarious.’ Lara laughed. ‘I think my best ever orgasm was with this guy I met in my gap year. He had the most gifted tongue I have ever come across. I swear his girlfriend must be the luckiest person in the world.’
‘Oh my God, that is such an important quality in a guy,’ said Cass. ‘I once broke up with someone who refused to go down on me unless I’d showered two minutes before. I think he had hygiene issues.’
I laughed with them and then slipped away to go to the loo. It was fun chatting with the girls—I’d forgotten how funny they could be—but I was starting to feel weird. I knew it wasn’t a big deal that I couldn’t join in with any orgasm stories. Everyone knew I wasn’t exactly