Stop it. Focus. Concentrate. Remember everything else. The burning humiliation, the pain in her heart so big she thought she’d die.
Nikki stared at him, speech impossible. He looked … different. That full, generous mouth, strong jaw line, the autumn-brown eyes all were tight with wariness instead of the constant laughter she remembered. But that was the least of the changes. His face had deep lines running either side of his mouth. A jolt of shock ripped through her as she looked further. His once straight, thick, chocolate-brown hair was streaked with grey, and curls spun over the tops of his ears, coiled at the edge of his collar.
What had happened? Was that why he’d done a runner? No. She refused to accept that as an excuse for his actions. If anything had gone wrong he’d have told her, and they’d have sorted it—together.
From somewhere a long way away Mike said, ‘Let’s have coffee while it’s quiet. Fraser, you’ll be pleased to know Nikki puts her cooking skills to great use and keeps us supplied with yummy treats.’
Nikki jumped. For a brief moment she’d forgotten where she was. A quick look around the staffroom showed Gavin and Amber watching this meeting with interest, as were the other day crew, who’d just arrived. Amber, her friend and flatmate, should’ve clocked off by now, but had probably hung around to meet the new guy. Questions blazed from her eyes, warning Nikki there’d be an interrogation later.
Fraser spoke into the silence. ‘My stomach’s doing flips already.’
Nikki looked into his eyes, really looked, and locked gazes with him. She saw pain and resignation, determination and wariness, all tumbled together. None of the extreme confidence she’d known before. Again, shock tilted her sideways.
‘So, how are you?’ he asked softly.
Her chin pushed forward. ‘Fine, good, busy.’ Dumbstruck, clueless about how to deal with you.
‘It is really good to see you. You look different somehow.’ Fraser’s tone sounded genuine, as his eyes appraised her slowly.
Too darned slowly. Making her skin heat. Drying her mouth. Huh? What was going on here? Had to be the sleepless nights catching up with her. Why else would she be feeling these odd sensations for a man she no longer trusted enough to make her a coffee?
Fraser moved forward, his arms lifting in her direction. To hug her?
Yikes. No way. Not now, not here. Not ever. Quickly shoving her right hand out, she gripped his, shook it perfunctorily and let go. But not before something she hadn’t felt for five years zinged up her arm. Desire.
Fraser heard Nikki mutter, ‘Dang.’ She spun away, her thick dark blonde plait swinging across her back as she added, ‘I need coffee.’
Fraser grimaced. He could relate to that. Strong, black coffee might just fix what ailed him. Temporarily.
As if the mess he’d created way back when he’d learned he wasn’t invulnerable could ever be fixed. Even with the best reasons in the world there was no denying he’d mucked up big time. Especially with this woman standing within reaching distance and looking as remote as the top of the Himalayas.
He couldn’t prevent himself watching every movement Nikki made as she crossed to the whiteboard where case studies were written up for everyone to read and learn from. Despite the bulky green jacket she wore she seemed leaner than he remembered. Her steps were more deliberate, as though she’d lost the constant spring in her walk. Nikki Page. The girl he’d cherished at school. The woman he’d desperately wanted to marry. The lady he’d walked away from. Walked? Sped from, more like. He’d broken her heart. He’d also broken his own. Completely.
But he’d eventually got over her. Or so he’d thought. He’d truly believed that or he’d never have come to work here, despite how much he needed to become an AP for his father’s sake.
‘How do you take your coffee, Fraser?’ Mike waved a mug at him, thankfully shifting his focus for a second.
‘Black, thanks.’ His gaze instantly returned to Nikki. Hell, a few moments ago he’d nearly hugged her. Why? Trying to prove that seeing her again was easy, that he had no hang-ups from the past? Proving it to Nikki? Or himself? Suddenly he felt unsure of everything—his plans to remain in Blenheim and settle down, his yearning to claw back the friendships he’d known before he’d messed up.
‘I’ve got some cereal here for our breakfast,’ the girl introduced to him as Amber told Nikki. Then waved the box at him. ‘Fraser?’
Nikki’s shoulders rolled. ‘Not hungry at the moment.’
‘Me neither.’ He’d forced some toast down before leaving home twenty minutes ago, nearly gagging as it had stuck in his throat. Tiredness dragged at his body after he’d spent half the night pacing the house, keeping away from his parents’ room in case he woke his light-sleeping mother. He’d asked himself repeatedly if coming to work here was the right thing to do, and had repeatedly come up with the same answer. It wasn’t, and yet it was if he was getting on with his new life.
Amber shook the cereal box. ‘You’ve got to have some food, Nikki. You’ve hardly eaten anything for days now.’
Nikki winced. ‘Okay, just a little to appease you, bossy.’
So Nikki’s appetite had disappeared lately. Since she’d heard he was coming to work at the same station? Strange, but he couldn’t possibly affect her any more, could he? Not after the damage he’d done before. The way he’d treated her had been truly bad, despite his justifiable reasons.
‘I’m bossy?’ Amber chuckled. ‘That’s rich.’
‘That’s what friends are for. Keeping you in line.’ Nikki shrugged eloquently and rubbed out a word on the board, rewrote it spelled correctly. ‘Gavin, your spelling is atrocious. And don’t go blaming your Welsh background. We might speak funny in New Zealand but the words are the same.’
Gavin looked up from the paper and spoke in what sounded like a put-on broad Welsh accent. ‘You’re right, Amber. She’s nothing if not officious.’ His wink showed how unfazed he was by Nikki’s comments. ‘So, Fraser, what brings you back to Blenheim? If you don’t mind me asking, that is?’
‘Family.’ And getting on with the life he’d believed for so long he’d never get the chance to live. A second chance. ‘My dad’s not well so I want to be around to help out with things like keeping the house and section in order, making sure my mother’s coping okay.’
Nikki’s hand stilled on the board. Listening carefully? She asked without turning around, ‘What’s wrong with Ken?’
‘He’s got dementia.’
Nikki gasped, turned to look at him, sympathy in those wide azure eyes. ‘That’s terrible. Hard for your mum too, I imagine. I’m sorry, I didn’t know.’
None of Nikki’s family had had anything to do with his parents since that dreadful day when he’d hurt not just Nikki but two families who’d cared about him. He’d lost a lot of people who’d been important to him that day, but he only had himself to blame.
‘Mum’s managing but I think she’s reaching her limits now that Dad’s getting very argumentative and wanders a bit. That’s why I’ve decided to live at home and not get my own place yet.’
Nikki nodded. ‘I can hear your mum now, checking what time you get home at night, making sure you put your washing out. She’ll be enjoying having you to watch over.’
There was a lot Nikki didn’t know but she’d got that spot on. His mum had been devastated that he hadn’t come home when he’d been