Carol sniffed again and Josie could see the white of a tissue or bit of bog roll. ‘What’s up, mate? You’re crying. Has someone battered you?’
Carol wiped the tissue across her face and shook her head. ‘No. No, it’s not that. I’m fine. I’ll be alright, mate. I just needed to get away from the house for a bit.’
Her as well, then. ‘Why’s that?’
‘It’s nothing. Just the usual. Mam, an’ that. I’m much better now you’re here.’ Her eyes adjusted now, Josie could make out her friend’s smile. ‘What are you doing here anyway?’ Carol asked her.
‘Never mind that,’ said Josie. ‘What d’you mean – ‘Mam, an’ that’? What’s happened? Has your mam started on you or something?’
For a few moments Carol said nothing. She just sat there, scrunching and unscrunching the tissue. Then she sobbed again, all at once, and reached her arms out to Josie, who pulled her in for a hug and held her tightly. ‘Oh, Josie,’ she said finally, ‘it’s not my mam. I wish it was. It’s that bastard that she’s with. Him. That black bastard!’
Crying out loud now, so much so that Josie felt compelled to try and shush her, she pressed her face into Josie’s chest, her shoulders heaving. ‘He’s been doing stuff to me, Titch …’
‘Doing stuff? What stuff?’
‘That kind of stuff. An’ I’m sick of it …’
Josie pushed Carol away slightly and stared at her. ‘Doing stuff like what? What do you mean, Caz? You mean Black Bobby has, right?’
Carol nodded and sobbed again and raked the tissue across her face again. ‘Please swear down that you won’t tell, Titch. You must swear, okay?’
‘I will swear,’ she said, understanding dawning. Carol too? ‘I do swear – but what’s he done to you?’
‘Been coming into my bedroom,’ Caz said haltingly. ‘You know, when me mam’s at the bingo and … touching me down there and stuff.’ She paused to sniff. ‘I mean he gives me cigs and sweets and that afterwards, an’ I thought I could kind of cope with it, but it’s horrible, Titch – horrible, and he’s just getting worse and worse. Tonight he …’ she paused and gulped. ‘Tried to … you know … put his thing in me, and … and I managed to fight him off – and thank fuck for Blue – but …’
‘Did Blue attack him?’ Josie asked, wide-eyed. Blue was Caz’s dog and she was a big alsation bitch. Josie knew she’d defend Caz with her life.
‘Almost,’ Caz said. ‘Got between us. Scared the shit out of him at least … but …’
She stopped then, her face crumpling, and started wailing all over again. ‘I don’t know what to do, Titch,’ she mumbled, burrowing her face into Josie’s neck. ‘I can’t tell me mam, can I? She’ll kill me. She’ll say I led him on. An’ he’ll just lie, won’t he? So you mustn’t tell. You won’t tell, will you? I’ve just gotta think what’s the best thing to do. So just forget I told you, okay? Will you promise?’
Josie stared into the thicket, unseeing. Remembering. It had been four weeks now and her secret felt like a physical thing inside her. She was still cut and bruised, as well, down there. Where he’d forced his thing inside her. Raw. She shuddered.
‘Caz, I’ll never tell a living soul,’ she said, stroking her friend’s hair absently. ‘I understand, and I’ll never tell a living soul, I promise.’
Carol pulled back from her then and used the last twist of tissue to blow her nose. Then threw it into the blackness.
‘I know you won’t,’ she said. ‘An’ I’ll be fine. It’s okay. It’s just …’ She wrapped her arms across her chest and rocked slightly. ‘It’s just horrible in a way I can’t tell you. It’s just disgusting. It’s … You know, when men … and they …’ She stopped and shook her head. ‘Just be glad you don’t know, Titch. Really. You don’t want to know.’
The silence in the den lasted a full 20 seconds, and Josie knew Caz was struggling not to cry again. Black Bobby. Him as well. And he lived with them. The thought was shocking. The idea that he could just go into her bedroom any time he liked and do that stuff to her … It was shocking and it was disgusting. No wonder Caz was so upset.
‘I do know,’ she said quietly, the words coming from her mouth without her even consciously deciding to say them. It was as if her secret had decided it was staying secret no longer, overruling her.
Carol looked puzzled for a moment. Then shook her head. ‘No, Josie, you don’t know. I’m talking about grown-up sex stuff. That’s what I’m telling you.’
‘I do know,’ she said again.
Carol’s eyes began to widen. ‘What, you mean it’s … God, Titch, you mean your dad?’ She clapped her hands to her mouth. ‘Oh my God!’
Josie shook her head, stricken at the thought. ‘God, not my dad! Mucky Melvin!’
Carol gasped. ‘Mucky Melvin? Fuck!’
So Josie told her.
And in the telling, she felt alternately traumatised and better. Traumatised, remembering what she’d tried so hard to forget; his smell, his croaky breathing, his gnarly, stinky fingers, his greasy matted hair slipping and sliding against her cheek … But better – so much better – now it had all finally spilled out of her. Better that she didn’t feel so alone any more, better that she’d been able to tell someone she trusted, someone she loved, someone who’d understand. It made her feel slightly less dirty.
‘Shit!’ Caz said, finally. ‘The monster! The shitty, filthy monster!’
‘You mustn’t tell, Caz …’
‘I won’t tell. I promise, Titch. I’ll never tell. But you should tell. This isn’t like Bobby, Titch. If he’s done that to you he needs to go to prison. You should tell. You should tell your mam and dad.’
Josie felt her heart thump at the thought Caz might tell on her after all. ‘I can’t do that!’
‘Why not?’
‘Because they’ll kill me for being so stupid and going in there!’
‘Course they wouldn’t!’
‘They would, Caz. You don’t know my mam!’
In truth, Caz did. Josie knew that. And a part of her also knew her friend was probably right. But she just couldn’t bring herself to even think about telling her parents. She just couldn’t. She just wouldn’t. Not ever.
‘How about Vinnie, then?’ Caz said. You should tell your Vinnie – he’ll fucking kill him!’
Josie shook her head. ‘That’s exactly why I won’t be telling Vinnie, Caz. He’s already gotten himself in more bother and has to do more time. I can’t tell him, Caz. He’s in enough trouble as it is.’
‘Well, you can’t let him get away with it, Titch. Dirty old bastard! Why don’t you tell your Lyndsey and Robbo, then? Robbo will know what to do.’
‘I dunno.’ She said. ‘I did think about it but you never know with Lynds. She can’t always be trusted to keep her gob shut, can she? I dunno. I just … well, I’m just so glad I’ve told you. It was killing me keeping it to myself. I feel so much better now I’ve told you. What you gonna do about Black Bobby?’
Carol looked sad again and shrugged. ‘Same as you, I suppose. Nothing. Just keep it to myself and hope my mam decides to get shut of him. She’s looking like she might do soon, at least.’
‘You