The dogs and I trudge on. As Bella stops to pee, I glance down at Scout. He keeps looking up at me, intently, as if he knows. ‘How can she stand being married to me if I’m so awful?’ I ask him, consumed by a wave of self-pity. Scout just hunches his back in that familiar way, and squats to do his business. I’ve snatched a bag from my pocket and bagged up his deposit before it’s barely hit the ground.
As we recommence our walk, I try Sinead’s number again. Still voicemail. Where are you? I text her. What’s going on? Right now, I don’t know what else to say. I just need to get home and cajole Flynn into having a proper breakfast (i.e., not just Oreos), but then, should we really be policing these things now? Of course, if Sinead had been there, he’d have had a bowl of cornflakes, some granary toast, fresh fruit salad and his orange juice in a glass and not just slugged straight from the carton.
In a driving test, you are allowed up to fifteen faults (what we call ‘minors’). One serious fault – a ‘major’ – and you’ll fail. I’d consider the woolly boundaries thing – in fact, most of the points on her list – to be minors, but who am I to know? The main thing, I decide as the dogs and I troop back to the house, is not to panic. Sinead probably just needs some space, in order to think things over, so I won’t call her again until her break. On the rare occasions I’ve popped into the gift shop where she works – Tawny Owl, or whatever it’s called – it’s been serene and peaceful, so hopefully she’ll be in a better mood by lunchtime. In the meantime, I’ll drive Flynn to school – he doesn’t need to know anything about this – and then onwards to work.
Once I’m there, I’ll act normal and be the conscientious examiner I am paid to be, just as I have for the past decade, after a couple of years of working as a driving instructor, when it had become apparent that my playing in bands, and teaching kids to play guitar, just wasn’t bringing in enough regular cash. That was okay; I’d given music a decent shot and prolonged my adolescence more than most people manage to get away with. Flynn was just four, and I was thirty-one, and it was high time I grew up. It had always made sense for Sinead to be at home full-time to give Flynn the time and attention he needed.
Plus, I’d enjoyed driving various bands around over the years. I’d loved the banter and camaraderie and, yes, even the farty vans and interminable all-night journeys punctuated with bleary service-station stops. Gallons of bad coffee and oily sausages and eggs: it had all been huge fun, but I was ready for a change, and Sinead had often commented about what a courteous, unruffleable driver I was (looking back, could that now be perceived as a fault? Would she have preferred a screaming maniac with scant respect for The Highway Code?).
It was her encouragement that had prompted me to sign up for driving examiner training. ‘You’d be perfect for it,’ she’d insisted. ‘You’re so polite, so well behaved and law-abiding.’
Is that what’s wrong, a vital point she omitted from her list – the fact that I’m a tedious bore, lacking the nerve to break speed limits or negotiate a junction without indicating at the appropriate time? Would I seem more desirable – sexier, I suppose – if I drastically reduced my mirror usage and constantly lambasted other road users with the horn?
I pause at the privet hedge a few doors down from our house. While Scout and Bella are tinkling in tandem, I pull that wretched note out of my pocket. I read it all again, every damn word, feeling sicker at every line. As I shove it back into my pocket, I reach for my phone for the umpteenth time. But there’s no reply to my text; no ‘Sorry, I just went a bit mad there but don’t worry – I’ll be back home very soon.’
Out of habit, I tap my email icon. As the messages roll in, I spot one from her, sent less than an hour ago at 7.40 a.m:
Nate, I assume you’ve found my note by now. At least, I hope it’s you who found it and not Flynn. I’m sorry if it’s shocking but I had to tell you how I felt. I didn’t know what else to do. It’s just got so bad and you’re not hearing me. I have tried to talk to you but you won’t listen. I’ll be in touch soon, and of course I’ll spend time with Flynn and talk things through with him. It’s important that he understands that none of this is his fault.
I know we’ll be okay eventually. We’ll still be Flynn’s parents together and do the job as well as we possibly can, just as we have always done. He knows we love him and that’s never going to change. In time, I’m sure the three of us can work out the practical issues. I know it might seem alarming right now, but when you look at Flynn’s friends, it’s hardly unusual to have divorced parents—
‘What the fuck?’ I blurt out loud.
So now you have read all my reasons, my wife concludes, I hope you’ll understand why I have been so unhappy lately, and why I am leaving you.
I’m sorry, Nate.
Sinead
I have done an unspeakable thing. I have left my child. It hadn’t been my plan to do this; at least not last night after a shitload of cheap white wine. But then, something had to happen.
Installed at my friend Abby’s across town now, I just wish I could erase the image in my mind of Nate’s horrified face when he discovered my list this morning. He had no idea how bad things were. The only person who really knew was Rachel, my therapist.
Yesterday, after work, I sat in her small, sparse room with its brown nylon carpet, trying to figure out whether my marriage was definitely over. Was it really that bad? Or, after nineteen years together, was this just what being married was like? Rachel – or ‘that Rachel woman’, as Nate tends to refer to her – tucked her shiny black hair behind her ears and clasped her hands primly. ‘You might find it helpful to write down all the aspects you’re unhappy with,’ she suggested, ‘and then all the good things too.’
‘The aspects of what?’ I asked.
‘Well, of Nate and you. Of your relationship.’
I’d first come to see her six weeks ago, having googled ‘therapist’ and booked an appointment simply because I was sort of unravelling and the voice on her answerphone sounded kind. I’d deliberately chosen someone based in Solworth, rather than Hesslevale – I didn’t want to keep running into her in our local Sainsbury’s. And so I went along, dry-mouthed and nervous, anticipating an older woman full of wisdom, with an instruction book for life. I hadn’t expected to be greeted by a chic young thing in red lipstick and a short black shift with a Peter Pan collar, who probably considered Britpop to be ‘history’.
‘Writing a list is like talking to a friend,’ she explained. ‘It can help to clarify your thoughts and work through complex emotions. It’s a way of distilling the very essence of your togetherness with Nate.’
‘I’m not sure there’s anything left to distil,’ I murmured.
‘Of course there is,’ she insisted, ‘and this exercise will help you to identify what’s still there, and worth saving, underneath the pressures and resentments that clutter up our lives.’
I