And I’d been nervous of contacting them as well. Nervous of what they might think of Jasper, of what advice they might give me. I could face censure, I could face hostility even, but I didn’t think I could face their disappointment in me.
But then, perhaps they would approve. Perhaps they would think it none of their business, or wish me luck with it and hope we might be happy. To cut myself off from all other relationships over fear of a bit of disapproval seemed silly now, especially in this season, when half the world was turning to friends and family in celebration.
I watched Jasper place a star at the top of the tree, having had to climb on a stepstool and tiptoe in order to reach that high.
‘We put an angel at the top of ours,’ I told him.
‘Controversial,’ he said, twisting his neck to raise an eyebrow in my direction.
‘Not really. Because it’s right.’
‘Did you mean for that to sound like fighting talk?’
I shifted on the stair, trying to decide if my bottom was still sore. It wasn’t, not really. Other parts of me, though, were not in such acceptable condition. Probably best not to start a verbal sparring match just now. The angel/star debate could keep.
‘Of course not,’ I said, prim and proper as I could be. ‘’Tis the season to be jolly, after all.’
‘Fa la la la la, la la la la,’ sang Jasper. He had a good singing voice too. He had good everything. It really wasn’t fair.
‘On that subject, I’m thinking of getting back in touch with some friends,’ I told him.
He stepped down from the stool and came to sit beside me on the stairs.
‘Go for it,’ he said. ‘I didn’t think you had any. You’ve never mentioned anyone. Bit strange, I thought, but I didn’t like to ask.’
‘I just … got out of the habit of being social, I suppose. When it was just you and me, here, over the summer, I forgot that anyone or anything else existed.’
‘Mm, so did I,’ he said with a dreamy smile. ‘Bloody wonderful, wasn’t it?’
‘Well, it still is, I hope. And it still can be, even with the outside world mixed in.’
‘Of course.’ He reached over and untied the tinsel from the banister. ‘As long as we’re in the middle of it, together.’
‘Right.’
He took my freed wrist and kissed the inside of it, a gesture that always unleashed ten million fluttery pulses in me. He held it against his cheek, gazing soulfully into my eyes. ‘Will you be honest with your friends? About us?’
‘It’s not really any of their business, but if they ask, then yes.’
‘You might lose a few.’
‘I know. That’s why it’s taken me so long to get the courage up. But I hope at least a couple might understand.’
He kissed the tip of my nose.
‘Brave girl,’ he said. ‘And now, I’ve got calls of my own to make. I’ll be in my office.’
He went off to take care of business and I stood up to give the Christmas tree a full appraisal. It looked glorious, warm and twinkly, like the Christmas tree of my childhood dreams. But I wouldn’t be spending Christmas here with Jasper – I’d be down on the coast with my parents, and he’d be with his mother in East Anglia. It wasn’t going to be easy, but we were going to have our own Christmas the day after Boxing Day and it was going to last all the way into the New Year.
I went back up to the bedroom and found the sim card of my old phone in a dresser drawer. Who would I call first? Stella? No, she was forthright to the point of abrasive. I’d leave her until I’d eased myself in a bit. Who was easy to talk to and undemanding and unjudgemental?
Rosie.
I found her number and dialled it, my fingers slippery over the metal rectangle. I was insanely nervous. I wondered if I’d even be able to talk.
It rang twice and then I heard a kind of gasp on the other end.
‘Oh, my God, Sarah, is it you?’
‘Rosie. I’m really sorry, so sorry, it’s been ages, I know …’
‘You changed your number! I tried and tried to call you.’
‘I know, I’m so sorry, but I was getting calls all day and night on that old number so …’
‘I bet you were!’
I stalled, suddenly aware of how noisy it was at Rosie’s end. She was in a pub or a café or something by the sound of it.
‘Sorry, are you OK to talk now? Are you busy?’
‘Oh, fine,’ she said. ‘Just having a coffee with friends.’
‘Ah, London life,’ I said wistfully.
‘Yeah, it’s brilliant, you’ll have to come up.’
‘I’d love to. Or you could come down here.’
There was another pause.
‘To … Jasper Jay’s place?’ she asked, as if in disbelief.
‘Sure. I mean it’s my place too. Oh, God, we have too much to talk about. Let’s meet up soon.’
‘I couldn’t believe it when that story came out,’ she said eagerly. ‘I’d been wondering where you were – all I’d had from you was a text about starting your new job back in September – and then, last month, bam! All over the papers, up close and personal with a famous film director. How did you swing that one?’
‘It turned out that house I was employed to work in over the summer was his,’ I explained. ‘And he came back early from filming and we … got to know each other.’
She snorted. ‘Just a bit,’ she said. ‘Anyway, you’re not the only one who’s been making new friends.’
‘You’re seeing someone?’
‘Oh, yes.’
‘Rosie! That’s excellent news! Tell me all about him.’
‘I would have put him on to speak to you, but he’s just been called away to talk about something in the office.’
‘Office? I thought you were having coffee with friends?’
‘Yeah, some of the friends kind of own the place. That’s who he’s talking to. Anyway, he’s called Dimitri and he’s dreamy as fuck.’
‘Dimitri?’
‘He’s Russian. A moustachioed Muscovite.’
‘Oh, wow, that sounds …’ Actually, I wasn’t sure how it sounded. ‘Amazing,’ I finished.
‘He is, take my word for it.’ Her voice tailed off into a sigh and then I heard something that sounded oddly like a whipcrack.
‘What was that?’
‘What?’
‘That noise? Was that you?’
‘Oh, no, somebody at another table,’ she said vaguely.
‘Where are you?’
She giggled.
‘Believe me, love, if I told you I’d have to kill you. Although something tells me you’d be cool with it.’
‘Rosie!’ I was too intrigued now.
‘Sorry, got to go. Dimitri’s coming over and he looks as if he has big news. I’ll