It’s a good job that I set my alarm, because I fall into an exceptionally deep sleep. I haven’t dreamt about Antonio for a very long time and it’s a shock when I awaken with a start – his face still in the forefront of my mind. We always said we’d do a cruise one day. But then we said a lot of things that didn’t happen.
Guess it’s time for another trip to the rainforest, with the hope the water will wash away the anger that’s simmering below the surface. I still struggle with the knowledge that I fell in love with a conman really; I saw only what Antonio wanted to show me and that was charm and charisma. I was young and I let my heart overrule my head. Never again, I vow to myself. Never again.
I’m a little late and by the time I reach The Grill, Harrison is already waiting. Service is quick and after we’ve eaten we find ourselves with half an hour to spare so he suggests we take a stroll along to the Twilight Bar for a cocktail.
The ship set sail again a couple of hours ago and as we walk a light breeze catches my hair. I tentatively glance over the side and realise just how high up we are. The ship seems to be slicing through the water like a knife, sending out a turbulent trail of white–crested waves. I will admit that it is taking a little time for me to adjust. My legs wobble a little, but I think that’s more about my fear of heights than it is about finding my sea legs. You can hardly feel the ship moving, but then it is perfectly calm and we don’t seem to be travelling very fast at all – it’s surprisingly smooth. There is a slight vibration, like a humming that’s only slightly perceptible, but this evening I’m feeling it. It is a long way down, though, and now is not the time to have one of my hellish moments where vertigo takes over and I freeze. I suck it up in a determined manner, shaking off the moment.
‘That’s some dress, by the way and I recognised it instantly. I, um, looked you up online this afternoon,’ Harrison says.
‘Well, I hope what you read was all good. And you’re looking pretty damn smart, yourself. But then you have a great sense of style, Harrison.’ He pays attention to detail and I like that about him.
He pulls out a bar stool for me and I slip up onto it as elegantly as I can, given that I’m wearing the long silver-grey dress I bought for the awards ceremony.
The barman appears, a broad smile on his face and a cheery, ‘Good evening, what can I get you to drink, guys?’
He places a printed drinks menu in front of us and then fills two sparkling cut-glass tumblers with water. Placing them on coasters bearing the ship’s name, he slides them forward on the countertop. Harrison catches my eye.
‘Wine or a cocktail, Leah?’
The barman is hovering and I’m feeling playful, and quietly confident with my appearance tonight. Besides, I also have a rather good–looking, trustworthy and fun companion so what’s not to enjoy?
‘Surprise me.’
Harrison makes eye contact and laughs. ‘You trust me to order your drink?’ He turns his head to look at the barman. ‘Make that two Sex on the Beach cocktails, please.’
A small smile plays around my lips as I hold in a laugh and the guy clearly thinks there’s something going on between us. He’s trying to act as if he can’t hear the banter. We watch in silence as he turns mixing a drink into a piece of theatre. Tom Cruise eat your heart out; the Hippy Hippy Shakes bar scene from Cocktail has nothing on this guy.
When he places the highball glasses in front of us they’re half-filled with ice and sporting a liquid that is orange on the bottom half and red on the top. With mint leaves, orange segments and a slice of star fruit gracing the edge, it’s a work of art. We watch in amusement as he finishes off by adding a straw and a plastic stirrer sporting a cut–out heart to each glass.
His eyes are trained on us as we take a sip and in tandem our heads tip back, our eyebrows going up in surprise.
‘Hmm, that’s good.’ I manage to get out before I cough to clear my throat and Harrison nods to endorse it. The guy seems pleased and heads down the bar to another customer who has just arrived.
‘What on earth is in this thing? Is it even legal?’ Harrison half-whispers.
I can’t comment as the vodka in it is still catching in the back of my throat. It turns into a bit of a coughing fit and I have to swallow half a glass of water to quell the spasm.
‘Are you okay?’ Harrison asks, looking concerned. ‘I can taste peach schnapps, for sure.’
‘No, it’s the vodka that took my breath away as it’s pretty strong. Hmm … I like it, though.’
He raises his glass and I follow suit.
‘And a virtual slap, Harrison. Did you see that poor guy’s face when you ordered a Sex on the Beach? He didn’t know where to look when you began flirting with me. And you kept a straight face! Shame on you. I bet you’ve never even had one of these before.’
He’s chuckling away to himself. ‘No, but there’s a first time for everything. I’m usually a G&T sort of guy.’
‘Truthfully, I am enjoying a little banter because it’s been such a long time. I sort of thought I’d lost my touch at being … frothy and frivolous. Or is that simply single and carefree, rather than in mum and breadwinner mode? You’ve reminded me that dating can be fun. Not that we’re dating, of course … oh, you know what I mean.’
Nothing could be more unexpected than sitting here with Harrison and the sound of a string quartet on the deck outside playing the haunting ‘Radioactive’ by Imagine Dragons. We sit in silence throughout the entire song and I know we’re both hating the fact that life is full of a stream of seemingly endless complications. Why can’t it just be easy?
When the music ends he gives me a sly, sideways glance.
‘So are you going to tell me what really happened with Antonio? The bits you’ve been leaving out?’
I focus on stirring my cocktail, my chin sinking to my chest as I try to stifle a sigh.
‘Well, for a start, he wasn’t alone when he disappeared. He took my twin sister, Kelly, with him.’
Harrison recoils as if I’ve just slapped him across the face. ‘He what?’
Hearing myself say those words and seeing his stunned reaction is like a razor-sharp stab to the heart. My seemingly unbreakable link with Kelly was severed that day and now there’s a hole in my heart because it feels like a little piece of me no longer functions.
‘I’m sorry, Leah. I had no idea … I didn’t mean to pry but I sensed there was something more to your story. God, how on earth did you get through that time?’
I have to steel myself to continue this conversation but in a strange way it helps to hear Harrison’s reaction. It has blighted my life for so long and yet, so few people know the full truth.
‘I had to make a pact with myself that the first thing I’d think of every morning when I opened my eyes was Rosie. Knowing I’m a mum keeps me moving forward. But the guilt constantly eats away at me.’
He’s watching me closely, the frown he’s wearing showing a genuine empathy for my loss that day.
‘The guilt? Why would you have any reason to feel guilty for what they did to you?’
‘Because I wasn’t the only one to lose so much that day. Rosie lost a dad and an aunt: Mum and Dad lost a daughter. I knew something wasn’t right with Antonio and, ironically, I was intending to sit down and talk to him that very evening. As for Kelly, well, she’d