‘That I need strangers like that,’ I explain. ‘My roots are ready, but I’ll only manage to grow with the help of others. Not just you or J. or my wife, but people I’ve never met. I’m sure of that. That’s why I asked for a party to be held after the book-signings.’
‘You’re never satisfied, are you?’ Mônica says in a tone of complaint.
‘That’s why you love me so much,’ I say with a smile.
In the restaurant, we speak about all kinds of things; we celebrate a few successes and try to refine certain details. I have to stop myself from interfering, because Mônica is in charge of everything to do with publishing. At one point, though, the same question is asked:
‘And when will Paulo be visiting Russia?’
Mônica starts explaining that my diary has suddenly got very crowded and that I have a series of commitments starting next week. I break in:
‘You know, I have long cherished a dream, which I’ve tried to realise twice before and failed. If you can help me achieve my dream, I’ll come to Russia.’
‘What dream is that?’
‘To cross the whole of Russia by train and end up at the Pacific Ocean. We could stop at various places along the way for signings. That way we would be showing our respect for all those readers who could never make it to Moscow.’
My publisher’s eyes light up with joy. He had just been talking about the increasing difficulties of distribution in a country so vast that it has nine different time zones.
‘A very romantic, very Chinese bamboo idea,’ laughs Mônica, ‘but not very practical. As you well know, I wouldn’t be able to go with you because I have my son to look after now.’
The publisher, however, is enthusiastic. He orders his fifth coffee of the night, says that he’ll take care of everything, that Mônica’s assistant can stand in for her, and that she needn’t worry about a thing, it will all be fine.
I thus fill up my diary with two whole months of travelling, leaving along the way a lot of very happy, but very stressed-out people who are going to have to organise everything at lightning speed; a friend and agent who is now looking at me with affection and respect; and a teacher who isn’t here, but who knows that I’ve now made a commitment, even though I didn’t understand what he meant at the time. It’s a cold night and I choose to walk back alone to the hotel, feeling rather frightened at what I’ve done, but happy too, because there’s no turning back.
That is what I wanted. If I believe I will win, then victory will believe in me. No life is complete without a touch of madness, or to use J.’s words, what I need to do is to re-conquer my kingdom. If I can understand what’s going on in the world, I can understand what’s going on inside myself.
At the hotel, there is a message from my wife, saying that she’s been trying to contact me and asking me to phone her as soon as possible. My heart starts pounding, because she rarely phones me when I’m travelling. I return her call at once. The seconds between each ring seem like an eternity.
Finally, she picks up the phone.
‘Véronique has had a serious car accident, but, don’t worry, she’s not in any danger,’ she says nervously.
I ask if I can phone Véronique now, but she says not. She’s still in hospital.
‘Do you remember that clairvoyant?’ she asks.
Of course I do! He made a prediction about me as well. We hang up and I immediately phone Mônica’s room. I ask if, by any chance, I’ve arranged a visit to Turkey.
‘Can’t you even remember which invitations you accepted?’
No, I say. I was in a strange state of euphoria when I started saying ‘Yes’ to all those publishers.
‘But you do remember the commitments you’ve taken on, don’t you? There’s still time to cancel, if you want to.’
I tell her that I’m perfectly happy with the commitments, that’s not the problem. It’s too late to start explaining about the clairvoyant, the predictions, and Véronique’s accident. I ask Mônica again if I have arranged a visit to Turkey.
‘No,’ she says. ‘The Turkish publishers are staying in a different hotel. Otherwise …’
We both laugh.
I can sleep easy.
The Stranger’s Lantern
Almost two months of travelling, of pilgrimage. My joy in life has returned, but I lie awake all night wondering if that sense of joy will stay with me when I return home. Am I doing what I need to do to make the Chinese bamboo grow? I’ve been to seven countries, met my readers, had fun and temporarily driven away the depression that was threatening to engulf me, but something tells me that I still haven’t re-conquered my kingdom. The trip so far hasn’t really been any different from other similar journeys made in previous years.
All that remains now is Russia. And then what will I do? Continue making commitments in order to keep moving or stop and see what the results have been?
I still haven’t reached a decision. I only know that a life without cause is a life without effect. And I can’t allow that to happen to me. If necessary, I’ll spend the rest of the year travelling.
I’m in the African city of Tunis, in Tunisia. The talk is about to begin and – thank heavens – the room is packed. I’m going to be introduced by two local intellectuals. In the short meeting we held beforehand, one of them showed me a text that would take just two minutes to deliver and the other a veritable thesis on my work that would take at least half an hour.
The coordinator very tactfully explains to the latter that since the event is only supposed to last, at most, fifty minutes, there won’t be time for him to read his piece. I imagine how hard he must have worked on that essay, but the coordinator is right. The purpose of my visit to Tunis is to meet my readers. There is a brief discussion, after which the author of the essay says that he no longer wishes to take part and he leaves.
The talk begins. The introductions and acknowledgements take only five minutes; the rest of the time is free for open dialogue. I tell the audience that I haven’t come here to explain anything, and that, ideally, the event should be more of a conversation than a presentation.
A young woman asks about the signs I speak of in my books. What form do they take? I explain that signs are an extremely personal language that we develop throughout our lives, by trial and error, until we begin to understand that God is guiding us. Someone else asks if a sign had brought me all the way to Tunisia. Without going into any detail, I say that it had.
The conversation continues, time passes quickly and I need to wrap things up. For the last question, I choose, at random, out of the six hundred people there, a middle-aged man with a bushy moustache.
‘I don’t want to ask a question,’ he says. ‘I just want to say a name.’
The name he pronounces is that of Barbazan-Debat, a chapel in the middle of nowhere, thousands of kilometres from here, the same chapel where, one day, I placed a plaque in gratitude for a miracle and which I had visited, before setting out on this pilgrimage, in order to pray for Our Lady’s protection.
I don’t know how to respond. The following words were written by one of the other people on stage with me.
In the room, the Universe seemed suddenly to have stopped moving. So many things happened: I saw your tears and the tears of your dear wife, when that anonymous reader pronounced the name of that distant chapel.
You could no longer speak. Your smiling face grew serious. Your eyes filled with shy tears that trembled on your lashes, as if wishing to apologise for appearing there uninvited.
Even I had a lump in my throat, although I didn’t know why. I looked for my wife