‘I love you so much, Amber,’ he whispered, the palm of his hand resting gently against her cheek.
‘I know you do.’ She smiled, running her fingertips lightly over his slightly open mouth. ‘I know you do.’
He pulled away from her, and she felt a ridiculous wave of emptiness wash over her as he finally left her body. Slipping down from the breakfast bar, she quickly retrieved her clothes, pulling them on as she watched his whole demeanour change, just like that. Something was wrong, and although she didn’t want it to happen, she couldn’t stop a feeling of uneasiness taking over from that emptiness.
‘Jim?’
He had his back to her, his head down, and this did nothing to ease the growing nerves inside her.
‘Jim, will you look at me, please?’
He slowly turned around, raising his head so his eyes met hers. ‘There’s something I need to tell you, Amber. And I need to tell you now before it becomes public knowledge… because that’s exactly what it’ll be. Soon.’
She felt her stomach turn, sinking like a lead weight as the uneasiness doubled, making her feel slightly nauseous. She’d been here before with him, she recognised the signs. He was about to tell her something that she knew was going to break her heart, she could feel it, she could sense it coming. She’d really thought all that was over now. She’d thought he’d changed. She’d hoped he’d changed. ‘Just say it.’ She folded her arms, leaning back against the breakfast bar, willing herself not to freak out. Whatever it was he was going to tell her, she’d stay calm. She’d try, anyway.
‘I have a son.’
She’d heard him say the words, but she wasn’t entirely sure she’d taken in exactly what he’d just told her. ‘I’m… sorry? You… you have a… a son?’ Saying the words out loud didn’t make it any easier to take in. And another feeling washed over her now – one of disgust, almost. Why had he made love to her right before telling her this? Why had he done that? Why?
‘Amber, please, believe me, honey, I never meant for it to get this far. I never meant for it to be this big secret, I… I should have told you from the start but I didn’t want to lose you, and I… I thought that if I…’
‘If you’d what, Jim? If you’d told me the truth? Huh? Is that what you were going to say? But, hey, hang on, that’s something you find so fucking hard to do, isn’t it?’
‘Baby, please… Listen to me.’ He walked over to her, and as much as she wanted to get away from him, she had nowhere to go. She’d backed herself right up against the breakfast bar, so her only option was to stay rooted to the spot. But after wanting nothing more than to be touched by him in the most intimate way possible just seconds ago, now she didn’t know if she could stand to be touched by him at all. ‘I know I’ve been stupid…’
‘Stupid?’ She couldn’t help laughing. This whole situation was just too surreal for words. ‘Jesus, Jim…’ She pushed a hand through her hair, turning away from him. ‘Is it too much to ask that you could be honest with me? Just for once? For me? After everything you’ve done, I really thought you’d changed.’
‘Baby, I have. I promise you, I have changed, and keeping this from you, it was… it was stupid and naive and I know I’ve acted like an idiot, because all of this… none of it has been fair on him, either…’
She looked at him, her eyes meeting his. Did he look sorry? Did he regret doing this to her yet again? ‘This isn’t just some silly little secret, Jim. This is… this is pretty big, as far as secrets go. And you… you just coming out with it like this, at this time, when…’ She stopped talking, the nauseous feeling in the pit of her stomach now rising as the reality of what he’d just told her started to sink in. ‘How old is he?’ she asked, her voice almost a whisper. There was her, just a day away from finding out whether she herself could have kids or not, and now her husband had just sprung it on her that he was already a dad. The irony was almost too heart-wrenching to bear. All she’d wanted was to have this man’s baby, and now she’d just been told that someone else had got there first. That role had already been taken. And it hurt.
Jim looked down at the ground, his stomach turning over and over, every nerve ending in his body on red alert. ‘He’s twenty.’
Amber couldn’t stop the gasp from escaping. ‘Twenty? Jesus, Jim, you’ve kept him a secret for twenty years?’ She couldn’t believe what she was hearing now. And then it suddenly dawned on her – if he’d fathered a son twenty years ago, then it meant that this was a secret he’d been keeping from her for decades. When they’d been together all those years ago, he’d known then, but he’d chosen not to tell her. He’d lied so many times about so many things and she’d forgiven him, but this was another matter. This was messing with her head big time.
‘It happened after me and you… after we split up, the first time,’ Jim began, his heart almost breaking as he watched the expression on her face change instantly. ‘I… I went back to the States during the summer break, and I… I met someone. She was a lawyer, just out of a messy relationship, and I guess we were both looking for some kind of escape…’
‘You had a girlfriend back home in the U.K., Jim,’ Amber said quietly, her brain still trying to piece together all the bits of information she was being told. ‘I mean, that’s why you left me in the first place, wasn’t it? Because you’d found somebody else?’
‘And you know as well as I do that that relationship didn’t mean all that much.’
She looked up sharply, her eyes meeting his. ‘Oh, well, that’s all right then, isn’t it?’
‘Amber…’
‘No, Jim. Do you understand how hard this all is for me? Have you got any idea how difficult this is to take in? I’ve been home less than an hour, and so far, to say you’ve messed with my emotions would be a bloody understatement! First you make love to me, then you tell me you’ve got a twenty-year-old son! What the hell made you think that sequence of events would work? Why would you do that? Huh? Why now, Jim? Why tell me this now?’
‘Because in a couple of hours’ time, the secret’s going to be out, that’s why.’
Amber frowned, confusion well and truly setting in now. ‘What the fuck is going on here?’
‘Brandon Palmer, Wearside Spartans’ new signing…’ Jim looked down at the ground, pushing a hand through his hair. ‘He’s my son.’
Amber couldn’t take her eyes off him. His words had rendered her unable to move, her stomach now knotted so tight she felt sick. Really sick. ‘Brandon… Brandon Palmer? Oh Jesus, this is crazy… this is fucking crazy…’
He tried to take her hand but she pulled it away, finally pushing past him and walking out of the room, running upstairs.
‘Amber, baby, please… Let me explain…’ Jim ran after her, taking the stairs two at a time to catch up with her, following her into their bedroom.
‘I don’t know if I want to hear it, Jim. I really need to get my head around this.’
‘Of course you do. Jesus, I’m so sorry. I can’t believe I’ve been so stupid…’
She sat down on the edge of the bed, suddenly feeling as though every emotion had just been sucked out of her. She felt devoid of any feeling. And she really didn’t know what to do next. She just couldn’t think straight.
‘I should have told you, Amber.’
‘Yes. You should.’ She clasped her hands together