Hoggy: Welcome to My World. Matthew Hoggard

BUT I JUST CAN’T SODDING WELL DO IT! I CAN’T, I CAN’T, I CAN’T!

      All England players are required to have a chat with a nutritionist on regular visits to the National Cricket Centre at Loughborough. Over the course of a day on Loughborough Univerity campus, you are put through something of a cricketer’s MOT. You have appointments with a representative of every branch of medical science known to man: the physiotherapist, the doctor, the podiatrist and the psychologist. There are fitness tests, eye tests, blood tests, skin tests, jockstrap fitting, underarm hair tests to ensure that your armpits aren’t too bushy. (One or more of the above may be fictional.)

      Then, if there’s any time left, you’ll have a chat with Mr Nutritionist, my favourite appointment of the day. My conversation with Mr Nutritionist would usually go something like this:

Mr N:	Hello, Matthew, how are you today?
Me	(if it’s the afternoon): Oh, not so bad, thanks.

       Or

Me	(if it’s the morning): Grunt.
Mr N:	How have you been feeling recently?
Me:	Generally pretty good, thanks.
Mr N:	Have you been feeling tired or lethargic at all?
Me:	Yes, I often feel tired at night, so I go to bed for a few hours. That usually does the trick.
Mr N:	And have you been eating healthily?
Me:	Most of the time, yes, but I have had fish and chips a few times. Sorry about that.
Mr N:	Oh, don’t worry, we’ll let you off a couple of transgressions. And what about breakfast?
Me:	No, I usually have fish and chips for lunch or dinner.
Mr N:	I mean, have you been eating breakfast?
Me:	Ermmm, ummm, not every day, no.
Mr N:	Have you tried any of the suggestions that I made last time, such as a yoghurt?
Me:	Yes, it made me feel sick.
Mr N:	Cereals?†
Me:	Yes, it made me feel sick.
Mr N:	Fruit salad?
Me:	Yes, it made me feel sick.
Mr N:	Milkshake?
Me:	Yes, it made me feel sick.
Mr N:	Banana?
Me	(lying, just to give him something to tick on his chart): Yes, I’ve tried that a few times, and it wasn’t too bad. I’ll try to do it every day from now on.