‘I’ll help you,’ Joss said. She remained at the table while Adrian, Paula and Lucy made their way upstairs. ‘That was fun,’ she said, as we began sorting the money and cards into piles. ‘We used to play Monopoly at home with Dad.’
‘That’s a lovely memory,’ I said, smiling.
She nodded. ‘I just wish they weren’t memories and he was still alive.’
I paused and looked at her. ‘I know you do, love. You’ve had a lot to cope with.’
We continued sorting the money and then Joss suddenly said, ‘I’m not lying, Cathy. About what happened with Zach. I wouldn’t lie about that.’
‘I’m sure you wouldn’t,’ I said, meeting her gaze. ‘Not something as serious as that.’
‘So you believe me?’
‘Yes.’
‘Mum doesn’t. She always takes his side.’
‘I suppose it must be difficult for your mother,’ I said. ‘She’s trying to make her marriage work and probably feels caught in the middle. Did you and your stepfather argue a lot?’
‘Yes, but Mum never believed what I said and always took his side.’
‘What caused all the problems?’ I asked, feeling that Joss wanted to talk.
‘Oh, you know what he’s like – the usual.’ She shrugged and continued sorting the money.
‘I don’t know him, really,’ I said. ‘I’ve only met him once. Is he very difficult to live with?’
‘Mum says I never gave him a chance, but that’s not true. I thought he was all right to begin with. He was kind to Kevin and me. He used to buy us presents, but that was just so he could win us over.’
‘To gain your affection?’
‘Sort of.’
We placed the money, cards and playing pieces into the Monopoly box and secured the lid with a large elastic band. The box was a bit ragged from years of use, but it had protected the game. I was about to stand to put the game away before going to bed when Joss said, ‘I know why it was easy for him to persuade Mum I was lying.’
I remained in my chair and looked at her. Her gaze was down and she concentrated on the table.
‘Why?’
‘Because she never believed me about all the other stuff either.’
‘What other stuff?’ I asked, expecting Joss to start telling me about all the other arguments they’d had.
‘The other stuff he did,’ she said with a shrug.
‘Like what?’ I asked, naïve and hoping I could go to bed soon.
‘You know. Things he shouldn’t have done.’
Perhaps it was because I was very tired that I didn’t understand straight away what Joss was trying to tell me, or maybe I didn’t want to understand.
‘Joss, love, you’ll have to explain to me. I’m sorry, I don’t understand. Your mum doesn’t believe you about Zach because she didn’t believe you in the past about Eric?’
‘Yes. He persuaded her that I was lying when I told her he used to walk around naked and stuff. So now she doesn’t believe me about anything.’
I turned in my chair so I was facing her. She continued staring at the table. ‘Some people do walk around naked at home,’ I said. ‘They see it as natural. But it made you feel uncomfortable and I can understand why. We don’t do that here.’
There was a small pause before Joss said, ‘It wasn’t just that.’
‘No? What else?’
She took a breath and kept her eyes down. ‘He used to come into my bedroom when I was dressing or when I was in the bath. We didn’t have locks on the doors, but you are supposed to knock and wait, like you do here. But he didn’t. He used to come straight in and stand and stare at me. I told Mum, but she didn’t believe me. They both said I was lying.’
I was now starting to feel very uneasy, not just about the implications of what Joss was telling me, but about whether she was telling the truth. The problem when someone has a history of lying is that it’s very difficult to know when they are telling the truth. I believed Joss when she’d said Zach had attacked her – I’d seen her distress just after it had happened, and I’d met Zach and Carl and those they associated with and could believe they were capable of what Joss had claimed. Eric was another matter entirely, though. He was a middle-aged, respectable man, with a responsible job – although that didn’t mean he couldn’t be an abuser. He’d seemed pleasant enough the one time I’d met him, and from what Linda had said he appeared to be doing all he could to be a successful stepfather. Was it possible Joss so greatly resented him trying to replace her father that she was making this up? I didn’t know, but as I’d told Linda, in my experience children rarely lied about sexual abuse. I needed more details.
‘Joss, what you are accusing Eric of is very serious indeed.’
She nodded. ‘I know,’ she said quietly.
I looked at her. ‘When did it start? Can you remember?’
‘A few weeks after they got married and he moved in. The first time it happened I thought it was an accident and he’d come into my room by mistake. I liked him then. He seemed nice and he made Mum happy. Kevin was already calling him Dad. Then one evening Mum went out to a fundraising event. She does charity work to help families where someone has committed suicide. Kevin was in bed and I was in my room. I didn’t have my top on and I was standing in front of the mirror. I know it sounds silly, but I’d just started developing and I used to stand in front of my mirror every evening to see if my breasts had grown. Without knocking, Eric suddenly came in. I grabbed my top and held it against me. I thought he’d apologize and quickly go out, but he stood there leering and going red in the face. He was sweating and breathing heavily – it was disgusting. And then he said, “You naughty girl. Look what you’ve done to me.” He undid his trousers and his pants were wet at the front. I thought he’d peed himself, but later I realized what it was. I felt sick, and I was frightened too. I told him to go. He grinned, a horrible smile, and said, “I’ll be seeing you again, young lady,” and he left.’ Joss shivered, and I felt icy cold too.
‘He went to the bathroom,’ Joss continued, nervously rubbing her finger along the edge of the table. ‘I heard the shower turn on. I was shaking. I stayed in my room until Mum came home. She came up to say goodnight. She always did. She knew something was wrong, but I couldn’t tell her what, so she just thought I was ill. I didn’t sleep. I lay there all night thinking about what had happened. Then the next day I sort of convinced myself it had been an accident, him coming into my room, but deep down I knew it wasn’t. I kept thinking about what he’d said and the way he’d undone his trousers.’
Joss took a breath before continuing and I sat very still and quiet. ‘He tried it again the next time Mum went out. I was in my bedroom with all my clothes on. I wasn’t going to change for bed until Mum came home. He came in without knocking and asked me to show him my breasts so he could see how much they’d grown. I don’t know how he knew that’s what I’d been doing. I told him to go and leave me alone and that I’d tell Mum. He grinned, all pervy, and said I could tell her because she wouldn’t believe me. He’d make sure of it. I didn’t tell her straight away – I didn’t know how to tell her. That’s when the arguments started. I ignored him, or if he tried to talk to me I was rude to him. So Mum would tell me off and try to make me apologize, but I wouldn’t. Then, when other stuff started to happen, I finally found the courage to tell Mum. She didn’t believe me, but she must have said something to him because later, when she wasn’t around, he told me to keep my mouth shut if I knew what was good for me.
‘After