‘So, Ginny, what’s the plan for the week?’ I asked, attempting a different angle at getting her to talk, thinking I’d posed an open question.
‘Skiing,’ she answered bluntly.
Oh dear, this wasn’t going well. The elephant in the car was enormous. Whilst our foremothers were interesting and commendable, we were simply so backwards in coming forward. I sighed. So much babble when what we really wished to know was how Ginny was feeling, what she was thinking. It had been the hardest thing to prise Ginny open. I wasn’t one to pussyfoot around usually but in all honesty, apart from my parents, I’d never dealt the death of someone so close to me. Mike was so young. Only sixty-one. Anthony and I still couldn’t believe he has gone. A dear, dear friend who was such a mammoth part of our lives. Like a brother to us both. And Ginny. All we wanted was our friend back, but we didn’t know how to unwrap her from her cocoon. And, as far as I knew, she’d refused bereavement counselling or any help after losing her job.
I popped another almond into my mouth to stave off hunger.
In our own ways, we’ve tried to get Ginny to share her thoughts, and maybe Kim was the only one who’d managed it, having had some success in Australia earlier in the year, but Ginny’s been a closed book since. I was never sure how to broach the subject. In fact, not one of us has yet managed to tap into her heart since. Naturally, we’ve asked but all we got back from Ginny was ‘Stop worrying. I’m fine,’ when we knew she wasn’t.
I was hoping to sit in the back with her on the journey from Geneva, try and have a chat to find out more about what her plans were for the trip, particularly as it was twelve months on and the perfect opportunity now that we were all together. Even if we could discover what she wanted to get out of this week and whether she wanted to have a memorial on the twenty-eighth. It had all been guesswork so far. Communication with her had been sparse these last few months and she shut herself away at home, refusing to socialise even one-to-one. I understood that she might feel it’s difficult with couples, but apart from our preparation sessions at the gym, and a weekend at a spa, she hadn’t been anywhere but her new workplace. And, frustratingly, any time I rang to say I’d pop in with a bottle of wine, she told me she had things to do or work to finish. It wasn’t right.
Hearing her today, she sounded perfectly normal, joining in the conversation, but I wanted nothing more than to hear her open up and talk about everything she’d gone through this year. We all did. Saying she’s fine told us nothing. Even her daughter, Rachel, who I rang with my concerns, said I shouldn’t worry; her mum would talk about it when she was ready. Anthony thought along those lines too. Don’t press her, Cathy, he told me. But Ginny was like a sister, and it broke my heart that she wouldn’t confide in me.
I dug my finger into my little pot again and fished out a crispy chickpea. Then another. ‘Do you want some, Ang?’ I asked.
‘No, I’ve got my beans and an apple here, thank you.’
I had always confided in Ginny. She was always there for me through the early years when Anthony and I were trying for a family. She probably knew my menstrual cycle better than me at times, despite her busy life with her children. Every month she would turn up with a book or a bottle of wine, or if Mike was at the Rotary Club or pub, she’d insist I go to her instead so that she could put Ross and Rachel – then babies – to bed before we settled down for a chat. We’d sit with our legs curled under us, at either end of her settee. Sometimes Lou, Angie or Kim would join us.
My mobile rang, and I knew it could only be one person.
‘Hello, darling.’ As expected, it was Anthony.
‘I checked and saw that you had landed. Why didn’t you ring?’
I sighed. ‘Because we haven’t arrived yet.’
‘I did ask you to call,’ Anthony slurred down the phone. It wasn’t even lunchtime.
‘Darling, you said, and I’ll paraphrase, ring me when you get there. We are about twenty minutes, half an hour away yet. It’s stunning, lots of mountains and snow. Look, I’ll send you a text when we get to the ski resort. Is that OK?’
‘OK. Is it snowing?’
‘No. No snow and the roads are fine. I’ll text you. Bye, darling.’
‘I love you.’
‘Love you too, darling; bye.’
I fumbled to switch it off.
So, where was I?
Kim and Will had still been in England and they too had been trying, like Anthony and me. It was Kim who suggested I try the new test-tube method, now what we refer to as IVF, as they were considering it. The whole idea horrified me of course. Being a Catholic I could never have conceived that way. It wasn’t at all natural, or moral. Anthony respected my faith despite his willingness to provide the cash for the ground-breaking treatment. He was also willing to adopt, seeking out lots of pamphlets about it, but I was convinced I would fall pregnant eventually.
Ginny supported my decisions no matter what, even when Kim argued – a few years after Avril and Mai were born – that her twins had provided her far more joy than any faith could have brought her. Ginny was comforting, despite the joy she had for Kim and Will. ‘We all have to do what’s right for us, follow our own heart,’ she had said. And, I couldn’t be bitter with Kim. Her twins were little angels and Anthony and I loved to shower them with kisses and gifts when we saw them, just as we had with Ginny’s, Lou’s and Angie’s children when they were small. Kim so deserved them after having such a difficult family life as a child herself. I was really looking forward to seeing Kim again – much more than I was looking forward to the skiing. Sport had never been my forte.
My phone rang again.
‘Is that Anthony again?’ Angie asked.
I puffed and picked the damn thing up and switched it off.
‘He’s probably sat on it again or slid it in his pocket and hit the button. I’ll text him when we get there.’ I groaned.
Ginny
I jumped suddenly as a head of caramel blonde hair flashed in front of my face.
‘Aren’t they stunning?’ Lou said, leaning across to my side of the car and peering up.
‘They look beautiful from here,’ I agreed, following her gaze to the halos of light gleaming from the mountaintops against the cobalt sky; but my gut remained apprehensive.
Lou laid a relaxed hand on my wrist. ‘I’m sure it’ll be great. We’ll make sure it is. Maybe our grans are watching over us, making sure we damn well enjoy ourselves. I can’t wait to get on that snow.’
Lou was fearless to the point of recklessness and I loved that about her. She was the person you’d want around if a bullet or missile was heading your way. She would try to catch it. Throw herself on top of you, at worst. Unlike me, ever cautious and full of self-doubt. Lou would take to skiing like a bird took to the sky.
I heard the indicator clicking. My heart rate soared as Angie, whose wonderful idea this was, the only skier among us, took the slip road and crossed the motorway towards towering rocks. The road narrowed and inclined steeply. Angie struggled for a low gear to make a sharp turn. Already, we must have been a hundred feet up. My breathing became short as the car climbed, and Angie’s expression was one of deep concentration. I closed my eyes. One mistake and we could drop off the edge. Cathy, in the front passenger seat, squealed as we rounded another hairpin and as I opened my eyes, her anxiety glared into mine.
‘I feel sick,’ she said, shielding her eyes.
‘It’s always daunting, the last bit, but it’s not far now,’ Angie tried to assure us while brushing a thicket of black curls from