Break-Up Club: A smart, funny novel about love and friendship. Lorelei Mathias

ever be enough for you. You know, they’ll never say about me that, “Oh, that Lawrence Hill, he had it so tough, he grew up on a council estate and triumphed against all adversity,”’ he said, as though he was quoting from an imaginary Sunday Times Culture section. ‘“He got himself through university before he became a Bafta-winning success.” No, Holly, I’ll never be able to say that, because yes – I had help – I had a privileged upbringing – I went to a fee-paying school! I’m sorry! But for the love of shit, it’s not my fault!’

      Oh. She’d never actually thought about it like that before.

      ‘Lawrence, are you honestly expecting me to sympathise with you that you’ve not had it tough?’

      ‘In a way. I think a lot of people trade off their poverty, and make themselves sound all holier-than-thou that they lived in a council estate, had to do ten jobs at once just to live, and wore nothing but ill-fitting hand-me-downs. It’s annoying.’

      ‘Jesus, who are you? I wore nothing but ill-fitting hand-me-downs! I don’t understand why we are together!’

      ‘Shit, sorry Holly. That came out all wrong. I love you baby. Please don’t shout.’

      She stared at him as her arms folded themselves.

      ‘I’m sorry. Listen, I’m so proud of you, you know I am. You’re an amazing editor, and you’ve done so well to get where you are…’

      ‘Yeah. Because Prowl is really about reaching the absolute zenith of my creativity, isn’t it!’ Holly said, gathering her bags and stomping out of the room, stubbing her toe on one of the distended cupboard drawers. ‘AAARRRRGH!’ she exclaimed; the final chip in her resolve against hissy fits. She walked down the hallway and slammed the door behind her for maximum impact, before feeling her eyes fill up with warm saltwater.

      As she stepped out into sunny Streatham, thought number one was, bollocks, why had she inherited her dad’s temper? Thought number two, holy crap, she was about to lend Lawrence even more money! And thought number three, how many rows had they had this year? Which was closely connected to thought four: when was their sell-by date?

      *

       Holly.Braithwaite@Totesamaze‌Productions.com to

       Jeremy.Philpott@Totesamaze‌Productions.com

       Subject: Possible series idea

       Hey Jeremy

       Sorry to email on the weekend but I just had an idea for a series that I wanted to run past you: THE HELIUM DEPOT.

       This is a story about a celestial lost property bureau. A control centre where all the helium balloons that children have ever lost go to. See, when you’re a kid, losing a helium balloon is one of the saddest things that can ever happen to you. Wouldn’t it be great if they all ended up somewhere safe though?

       In this story, they go to a great big balloon depot in the sky – think TFL’s lost property bureau, only more magical. Maybe at the centre of it all is this one character, Engelbert, who’s been running it for years. He’s got big red cheeks from re-inflating all the balloons and then gradually returning them to their original owners, who are all grown up now as it takes him so long to find them. After a while, he gets a little bit disillusioned, because, while some of the kids are delighted and moved to tears, others are strangely aloof as they’re so disconnected from their childhood self.

       That’s as far as I’ve got with it, Jez – possibly a bit bonkers but I wanted to run it past you. Look forward to hearing what you think either way,

       Holly.

       Jeremy.Philpott@Totesamaze‌Productions.com to

       Holly.Braithwaite@Totesamaze‌Productions.com

       Subject: Re: Possible series idea

       Braithwaite,

       Were you on helium when you wrote this?

       I’ve got two words for you… ASDA MUMS.

       Our current audience have a simple goal in life – either to be famous, or to be able to afford a timeshare apartment in Benidorm.

       In other words, you’re aiming too high with this. Go LOWBROW. Think of the lowest common denominator you can, then go EVEN LOWER. What was it that Oscar Wilde said? Shoot for the gutter, and you might just end up in the drain.

       Also – and this is fairly key – try and move away from fiction and into factual.

       Better still, Reality.

       Hope that helps.

       Keep ’em comin. I’m having a meeting with the channel next week, so I need you and Pascal firing on all cylinders and all hands on deck!

       Jx

       P.S. I’ve mentioned this already but just a small reminder for your next episode of Prowl: there are a few more ad breaks to take into account than in terrestrial. (Yesterday’s ep. was exported over length AGAIN.) Let’s get this confusion ironed out for next time? Happiness?

       P.P.S. NEVER apologise for emailing over the weekend.

       Holly.Braithwaite@Totesamaze‌Productions.com to

       [email protected]

       Subject: Apple Z! APPLE Z!

       Dear Mark,

       Sorry, what I’m about to say is probably professional suicide. But… please can I have my old job back? I’ve made a gargantuan error and things are really not working out.

       Love and big slices of humble pie,

       Holly x

       5. Unexpected Item in the Bagging Area

      ‘Hol, have you got the glass-effect champagne flutes?’

      Holly was staring down at her mobile phone while leaning against an overflowing trolley. They were in their local supermarket, doing a last minute dash for party supplies.

      ‘Sweetie, the flutes.’

      Holly, as Head of Disposable Catering Equipment, nodded. ‘Yep. I’m on it.’

      Bella looked Holly in the eye. ‘What’s wrong?’

      ‘I’ve just had an email from my old boss. It seems any chance I had of escaping my job at TotesAwful has now gone.’

      ‘Oh no! What did he say?’

      ‘I’m actually quite hurt! All he said was, “Sorry, the position’s been filled. I’m sure you’ll work it out one way or another. Good luck, M x”.’

      ‘That’s a bit cryptic! Oh well. Looks like you’ll have to style it out with weird old Jez. Poor Hollychops!’

      ‘Thanks hon,’ Holly said as she clocked a flash of Bella’s stomach, which was now looking considerably concave. ‘But never mind me, how are you feeling?’

      ‘Mmm, I think today is a good day. I managed to eat a whole apple.’

      ‘Good!’