– being affected by the feeling which most other people are expressing in an underground, train carriage or lift when there is a breakdown.
People who have been held hostage for long periods of time often talk about their struggle to stay positive in the face of other peoples’ despair. Those who survive the experience well, such as John McCarthy, have usually made a conscious effort to take control of their feelings and re-direct their minds onto positive thoughts and memories.
Instant Exercise
Think of an occasion when you had your mood quite radically changed by being in the presence of people in a contrasting emotional state.
DO WE ALL HAVE THE SAME EXPERIENCE OF A PARTICULAR EMOTION?
‘Definitely not’ is the concise answer to this one. Although the difficulties which people encounter may be similar, the way they respond varies enormously. So every solution to personal problems has to be worked out individually. In a world where so many other things have become standardized and predictable, I find such a challenge inspiring. I hope you do as well, because in order to build your emotional confidence you will most certainly have to adapt all the advice and tips in the rest of this book to suit your own unique emotional experiences!
Skills for Taking Control
Now that you have a reasonable idea of the workings behind your emotional engine, it’s time for a driving test!
We cannot begin to develop emotional confidence unless we know that we have, at the very least, the minimum level of skills to ensure that we can stay in control of our feelings in action. If you are keen to drive in the emotional fast lane of life and open up your throttle to deep passion and thrilling excitement, you’d be well advised to aim for advanced standards. But for the moment, why not see if you are fit enough to cruise competently with more everyday feelings?
I have prepared the following checklists so that you can review your competence in the three areas where you need to have good control: your body, mind, and behaviour. Have a notebook and pen handy – I suggest you pause between doing each checklist (and perhaps reward yourself!).
CHECKLIST 1: HOW GOOD IS YOUR CONTROL OVER YOUR PHYSICAL RESPONSES?
Breathing
| On feeling fear, anger or excitement, should you find yourself beginning to hyperventilate (breathing shallowly and quickly from your upper chest), can you quickly return your breathing back to its normal pattern? |
If not, it’s time to practise some deep breathing exercises. These can be learned from most stress-management books and courses, any Yoga practitioner or a physiotherapist.
Muscle Tension
| Do you have a technique (other than taking a painkiller) which you use on a regular basis to release built-up tension (e.g. headache or backache) which has been caused by having to hold in feelings? |
If not, learn one quickly and practise it daily. Simple techniques such as tensing and relaxing each muscle individually can be learned from cassettes. If they fail, you could try consulting a specialist such as an Autogenic Relaxation trainer. Here’s one of my favourite Quick Relaxers.
| Instant Relaxation Close your eyes. Uncross any crossed limbs and check that your body feels firmly supported. As you breathe in deeply, imagine that through every pore of your body you are taking in relaxing energy in the form of white light; pause for a brief moment, and then, as you breathe out, imagine that you are releasing a warm orange glow through every pore. Do this several times until you feel your limbs are free of tension, and then allow your imagination to take you to one of your favourite relaxing places. Absorb the scene for a moment, and then focus your mind’s eye on one specific object while breathing naturally and easily for about five minutes, letting your body feel lighter and lighter. I always focus on the fountain in our garden in Spain, but you could equally well use the face of someone you love, a treasured object or a favourite flower. If you do this relaxation technique regularly over a period of time, you will eventually find that you can get an instant sense of peace just by closing your eyes and bringing your object into your mind, because your brain has formed a neural connection between this image in your memory and its relaxation response. |
| Can you name one aromatherapy oil which is known to induce physical calm, and one which has the opposite effect? |
If not, take yourself to the aromatherapy stall in your chemist, or sign up for an evening class and treat yourself to a burner or some appropriately scented candles.
| Do you do some physical exercise at least three times a week which gives you an opportunity to discharge pent-up energy and tension? |
If not, make a date with your sports centre, buy an exercise video, borrow a dog to walk or (if you’re like our family and you need a push) get yourself a personal trainer!
Diet
| Can you name six kinds of foods and three drinks which create unrest in the body and heightened activity in the mind? Can you name 10 foods and three drinks which you always include in your diet when you know you are likely to become emotionally fraught? |
If not, consult a dietitian, read a book on the subject or visit your local health food shop.
Catharsis
| Can you name three ways which you regularly use to give expression to your positive feelings? |
If not, book a seat for a comedy show once a month; take a trip to the Fun Fair; take dancing lessons and get yourself a hug!
| Can you name your favourite safe (and socially acceptable) way of giving physical release to the following feelings: fear/mild frustration/anger/disappointment/sadness? |
If not, buy a squeezy stress ball; find a cushion which can stand a thump; get some voice training; buy a CD of ‘weepy’ music (I have one of weepy extracts from the classics) and stock up on tissues.
Professional Help
| Can you name three kinds of professional helpers you could turn to should you need an extra dose of stress-relieving therapy? |
If not, consult a directory of complementary medicine practitioners or the appropriate listing in your Yellow Pages.
CHECKLIST 2: HOW GOOD IS YOUR CONTROL OVER YOUR MIND’S RESPONSES?
| Can you name three common irrational thinking habits which people tend to use when they feel depressed or under stress? |
If not, learn my GEE Strategy immediately! (Photocopy and pin up in a prominent place.)