The phone rang three times before I heard, “You’ve reached the voicemail of Michael Rathbourne. Leave a message at the—”
I didn’t even let the pre-recorded version of him finish before throwing my phone down onto Cassandra’s bed and starting to tear up. I sat on the bed for a few minutes longer and wondering if anyone would notice I was gone, and would come looking for me. No one did. Five minutes later, still sitting on Cassandra’s bed, I felt my phone vibrating. A text message from Michael. Finally, I thought, he’s probably on his way.
I opened the message. “Sorry I couldn’t make it, have a drink for me!”
I read the message again, sure that I was mistaken. That’s it? He didn’t even wish me Happy Birthday. The tears were starting to fall harder and I decided it was time to go home. I crept out of Cassandra’s bedroom, grabbed an unopened bottle of wine from the kitchen, and when no one was looking in my direction, slipped through the front door.
It’s too late honey, and it’s too bad
For the three days, Nicholas barely spoke to me. After our fight at my surprise-party-gone-awry, I hadn’t been getting much sleep. I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was really wrong. The fact was, Nicholas and I never fought, and I didn’t know how to handle it. I hadn’t seen him since he stormed out of Cassandra’s apartment, and our last few phone conversations had been brief and monotonous. His usual “good night” phone call, in which we recapped our entire days to each other, had been replaced with a quick text message, or nothing at all. Although he wasn’t blatantly ignoring me, the usual amount of effort he put into grooming our relationship had fallen short. Very short. It wasn’t until this afternoon when I was in anatomy class that I finally received a text message from Nick, asking me if I could come over to his apartment afterwards.
When I had gotten to class earlier that day, I had made a concerted effort to ignore Michael, positioning myself on the other side of the auditorium-sized classroom. Sure, I was being juvenile, but I was still hurt from his absence at my party. I used to feel so safe and comfortable with my life.
Thoughts of Nicholas flooded my head, making concentration on the lecture extremely difficult. I glanced at my watch and realized class was almost over. I couldn’t wait to see him.
When the professor said, “Until next week, class,” I knew I was in the clear to dart out of the classroom.
I quickly headed outside and hailed a cab to Nicholas’s apartment. Much to my happiness, a cab pulled up immediately.
“Where to, missy?” the driver said, through a thick accent.
“10th Street and Avenue A!” I spat out.
Since I was in the Washington Square area, I probably could have walked to the Lower East Side, but I was too anxious to see Nicholas and to put this whole fight behind us. A short cab ride later, I was outside Nick’s apartment. I feverishly hit the buzzer three times until the door unlocked. I threw open the heavy front door, ran up the four flights of stairs, and burst through his door. Ready to be greeted by a hug and an apology, I was disappointed to see Nicholas sitting on his bed, making no effort to even stand up and give me a proper greeting. Warm beads of sweat rolled down my back as my paranoia accelerated.
Feeling defeated, I slowly closed the door behind me and cautiously made my way over to him, careful not to make any sudden movement.
“Hey,” I said, tiptoeing toward him. “Baby, are you okay?”
Upon closer inspection, Nicholas looked upset, as if he had been crying. He was dressed down even more than usual, wearing nothing but a plain white undershirt and baggy gray sweatpants, which he usually reserved for times when he was too sick to dress himself. A wave of horror flooded over me. Something was really wrong.
“Listen,” he started.
I braced myself for the bad news.
My mind flooded with a thousand possibilities. Had he gotten fired? Had someone in his family taken ill? Was he being evicted? I sat next to him on the floor and placed my hands on his knees.
“What is it, Nick?” I asked. I folded my hands behind my back, after realizing I had been anxiously peeking at my cuticles for a few minutes.
He still wouldn’t look at me. His brown hair hung over his gorgeous eyes, making it impossible for me to feel connected. I cautiously lifted up my right hand and pushed a few strands of hair out of his face.
Without even looking up to meet my gaze he said, “I can’t be with you.”
The air went out of the room, as though a huge force had hit me in the chest. My head started to spin and I felt more fear than I had ever felt before.
Can’t be with me?
I shook my head and squinted. “What do you mean?” I asked, unable to speak louder than a whisper.
Still not looking at me, he unleashed his well-prepared speech.
“I don’t know what happened, Amalia, but I just don’t feel it anymore.”
His words sounded so cold and formal, he couldn’t have been talking about us like that, not with such emptiness and detachment. He finally lifted his head up, but still refused to look me in the eyes. Anger momentarily replaced my sadness, and with it came a warm pressure behind my eyes that made its way down to my chest. My head was suddenly killing me and I was having a hard time concentrating. I couldn’t recall a time I had ever felt this angry with him. I wanted to tell him what a coward he was being, but I couldn’t form the words.
“You were all I ever wanted, for so long. I even remember what you were wearing the first day I met you,” he said in a breathy voice. “But I don’t feel like that person anymore. I don’t feel like that guy you met back in college. And I think, no I know, I need time alone to figure out what I want out of life.”
Heavy flows of tears streamed down my face. How could this be happening?
“Whatever this is, we can work through it,” I muttered, through sobs.
Finally looking right at me, Nicholas took a deep breath and said, “No. Honey, it’s too late.”
There was no way I could just give up and accept this.
“Just give it some time, please! I know you’re angry with me for going on my trip but we can talk about it. It’s not like I am moving to Brazil, this can’t just be about me not being there when you start your internship,” I pleaded.
“Why are you even going?” he said, this time looking right at me.
“Because I have always wanted to go,” I said. “I’ve always been honest about how much I want to travel. Obviously I can’t get up and leave the country whenever I want, but that’s why I booked this so far in advance. And honestly, it’s something I am doing, for me.”
“Well I think that sounds really selfish.” he said.
“Please just tell me why you think that’s selfish, and we can figure this out together,” I pleaded. As I listened to myself speak, I knew I was in the right. I didn’t believe what I was doing was selfish at all, but I was willing to put my pride on the back-burner to salvage my relationship.
But it was no use. Nicholas stood up and walked over to the kitchen. He came back to the bed and handed me a box.
“Here, I packed all of your things,” he said coldly.
It suddenly dawned on me that this wasn’t an impulsive decision. Nicholas must have been planning to break up with me for a