14. Alien
Somewhere around the fourth month you will be convinced you have turned into Sigourney Weaver. Not because you suddenly grow six inches taller, develop dramatic cheekbones and achieve a perfect smile, but because a creature will start moving around inside you.
This is one of the weirdest, best and worst things about pregnancy: weirdest because—well, how weird can it get? There’s a human being moving inside you! The best because it connects you so strongly with your baby, and worst because it can get very uncomfortable and sore if there’s a mini David Beckham in there.
The first time you feel your baby move seems more like trapped air bubbles jiggling about in your tummy than a foot or hand doing anything interesting, and you may not notice anything for quite a while. As these sensations grow into more noticeable jiggles, you might wonder what you’ve been eating recently, until finally, one day when you’re least expecting it, you will feel a kick!
This is a fantastic moment, and the only shame is that your partner can’t share what you feel. This is the moment you finally believe you are pregnant.
As the weeks go by, these movements will get very strong, and towards the end there can be all kinds of bones, limbs, digits and other unidentifiable body parts jutting out under your ribcage, out of your tummy button or near your pelvis. I used to love all of this, but I know lots of mums who found it far too peculiar. I would spend hours in the bath talking to my internal gymnast, massaging a protruding bottom, or tickling a cheeky foot. It sounds crazy, but it sure beats depressing yourself about how big your legs are getting near the top!
TOP TIP: If you think your baby has suddenly stopped moving about as much as normal, keep an eye on it, and if you are worried then call your midwife. Hospitals are usually happy to monitor your bump for a while, just to check everything is normal. Don’t panic immediately though: babies do sleep occasionally, you know, and you will feel like a real clot when you rush in, only to monitor a baby having a well-earned nap.
15. Stretch marks
Ready? These are a complete misnomer, because stretch marks are not caused by stretching at all. You can get them without being pregnant, whether you are fat or thin, as a teenager or even if you are a man. Ha! Some think they can even be caused by stress. Stretch marks can look like thin red lines or patches. They sometimes turn white with time, and in bad cases they can actually be raised from the surrounding skin.
The bad news: There is almost nothing you can do to prevent them from appearing. It’s in your genes, so start praying you’ve got some good ones. Oh, and they are permanent.
The good news: Lots of pregnant women never get any, and they do fade with time, so ‘permanent’ doesn’t mean permanently very visible.
Can I do anything to prevent these ugly marks?
Oils and Lotions. Whether these have any significant effect is still up for debate, but there are lots of lovely lotions, oils and creams which are definitely worth a try—and feel wonderful too.
Exercise. If you keep the exercise up, your skin should stay more toned and the risk of stretch marks might be reduced. Might, but even a ‘might’ is worth a few extra visits to the gym.
Looking Good: Gorgeous Clothes for the Suddenly Large of Girth
18 December. 5 p.m. Seven months pregnant.
I’ve been trying on outfits for an hour, and I am now so depressed and disgusted that I don’t think I’ll manage to drag myself out at all. I look like a dairy cow—I have to stop looking in this mirror.
And my shoes don’t bloody fit because my feet are swollen! Why can Sarah Jessica Parker look so fabulous with a great big belly? Oh yes, Oscar de la Renta. Well, Zara will have to work the same magic for me.
Once upon a very unfashionable time, all pregnant women dressed badly. This was partly because there were no gorgeous maternity ranges available, and partly because Yummy Mummies hadn’t been invented yet. Happily, times have changed, and we all know that pregnant ladies can look fabulous: just look at Anna Friel and Victoria Beckham.
Of course everyone has a different opinion of what constitutes an attractive woman: some like their ladies curvy, others prefer the androgynous nymph; curls do it for some, poker-straight for others. Tall, short, blonde, brunette, muscular, willowy, bold, reclusive, pale, tanned, made-up or natural, we come in a glittering array of shapes and forms, and manage to look sexy and feminine in all of them. We are clever, aren’t we?
But whatever your personal ideal, one thing makes a woman look like a woman, and feel like a woman. It’s such an important biological characteristic that even babies can tell the difference between a man and a woman by it. No, it’s not the presence of breasts: it’s the hourglass figure created by having a defined waist.
Ah! A waist! A flat, trim, nipped-in waist. Hips are fairly crucial to the female form too, but unless your waist is smaller than your hips, it’s very hard to look feminine, and it’s harder still to feel beautiful. Social anthropologists reckon a ‘magic ratio’ of waist to hips of 7:10 is evolutionarily significant: it signals sexual appeal at a primal level, as it indicates good child-bearing potential. You mean men think that hard?
Those geniuses among you will already have guessed where I’m going here: when you are pregnant, your waist disappears