SOMETHING WAY MORE IMPORTANT THAN JUST A WHEEL
Imagine the scene for a moment. A prehistoric man is strolling through the forest and he sees a load of ripened apples that have fallen off a tree. It’s summer and they’ve begun to rot. Most of the men walking by are thinking, Urgh, look at that manky rotten fruit, better steer well clear of that, but one guy stops and makes a scientific link that happens perhaps once in any generation.
What if we can use that rotten fruit to get off our faces and shout really loudly and repeat the same story and joke over and over again and then fall over and vomit? Wouldn’t that be great?
Soon he’s invented rudimentary alcohol and he’s churning out the precursor to Stella Artois.
STAGGER LIKE AN EGYPTIAN
Egyptians may have been the first real beer monsters. In Egyptian society they invented beer before they invented bread. That’s right, beer came before bread.
Egyptians believed beer was invented by one of their most powerful gods: Osiris. Of course they did. Who knows how strong that stuff must have been. Imagine a deity who says, ‘Forget continents, seas and mountains, the first thing on my list to create is beer. Let’s get the party started!’ This explains why the Egyptians built so much weird stuff for no good reason. They were pissed most of the time.
‘Oh wise Tutankhamun, we have finished your grand Pyramids, what would you like us to do next?’
‘Build me a massive statue with a… dog’s head… Yeah, a dog’s head. And then build me a sphinx.’
‘What is a sphinx, oh lord?’
‘It’s a lion with a woman’s head… Urggh, I think I’m going to be sick.’
The Egyptians, in their drunken haze, were soon overtaken by the new boys on the civilisation block, the Greeks. Mathematics, astronomy, medicine, and a nice salad. They also invented one of the most important things in man history. Organised sport. The Olympics.
Legend has it that the games were instituted after Hercules won a foot race at the Greek city of Olympia and then decreed that the race should be re-run every four years. But in reality, you put enough men together in one place and sooner or later they’ll decide to challenge each other to some contest or other. The Olympic Games of yesteryear bore no resemblance to the games of today, though. Mainly because the ancient Greeks hadn’t invented anabolic steroids.
MAN’S GREATEST FEAR
By the first century BC it was the Romans’ turn to take centre stage. Julius Caesar was the first dictator of the Roman Empire and the conqueror of Britain. One thing not everybody knows is that he was also one of the first men to tackle one of the largest problems known to men. Hair loss.
Back then, there wasn’t much you could do about it. Even though wigs did exist, they were no way as near to the quality of those atop Sir Elton John’s head. Even the scourge of the Roman Empire Hannibal was reputed to have worn a wig into battle against the Romans. History records that he lost the confidence of his men.
It must have been hard to inspire men to following you into a dangerous battle if they were constantly shouting ‘OY WIGGY’ at you behind your back. Caesar, however, came up with a novel solution. He invented the comb-over. One of the greatest historians of the era, Plutarch, recorded this at the time, but he never said whether or not it flapped about in the wind. As the most powerful man in the world, his courtiers and lackeys would have been unable to mention it. Which maybe explains why today a lot of men truly believe comb-overs are completely invisible to the naked eye.
IT’S ROUND HERE SOMEWHERE
They say all roads lead to Rome and it’s true because they were the first civilisation to realise that men get lost very easily. They built miles of nice long, straight, even roads. It would seriously affect their reputation as the most fearsome army in the world if on their way to fight the Celts they had to stop and ask for directions from the Gauls.
THE TUDOR SMACKDOWN
Let’s race forward to 1509 when one of the most memorable kings of England came to the throne. Henry VIII. During his reign he achieved almost next to nothing, yet he is the king that everybody remembers the most. Countless books and films have been made about him. For what reason? It’s because men love Henry VIII. He had it all. The power, the money, the women (six of them to be exact). Who in their right mind can cope with six wives? That’s six birthdays to remember. Six Valentines. Six sets of in-laws. Six doghouses. The man’s a hero.
One story that clearly illustrates why he should be the hero king of man history is the time he travelled to France to meet his keenest rival of the day, King Francis I. The great meeting was designed to strengthen the friendship of the two kings and cement an earlier peace treaty. However, it soon became clear that the French king was gaining the upper hand in negotiations. Now, most normal kings would try and manoeuvre themselves into pole position with diplomacy or other tactical means. Henry said, ‘Fuck this. Let’s wrestle.’ Wrestlemania was born. He lost but the point was made. If only our modern leaders would settle things with a wrestling match, maybe we wouldn’t have so many wars.
Just think, the whole Iraq debacle could have been avoided if George W. Bush had challenged Saddam to a smackdown on the front lawn of the White House. The message Henry VIII taught us is clear. Men love to wrestle with each other. With mates or rival kings.
SMOKES AND SPUDS
Now you’d think Henry’s daughter Elizabeth I wouldn’t have a place in a chapter about man history but you’d be wrong. She was England’s ruler for 45 years and again subject of many period dramas, all of them dull. However, her reign is a minefield for man history. England was in a unique position. It now had a hot 25-year-old as queen. We all know men are prepared to do almost anything to impress a woman, but the Elizabethan age was punctuated with constant attempts from the leading men of the realm to outdo each other.
The two most famous men vying for her attention were a pair of sirs. Sir Francis Drake and Sir Walter Raleigh. These days men try and impress girls by popping down to H. Samuel’s and buying them a diamanté necklace. Sir Walter really set the bar high when he travelled to the Americas. He named a whole colony after Elizabeth and then brought her back not one but two brand new items. Tobacco and potatoes. The old smoothie. What woman wouldn’t fall for a man who brings her smokes and spuds?
HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DONE?
Elizabeth’s successor was the first Stuart monarch of England, James I, who doesn’t really have much to add to the history of men apart from the curious story that he might have invented one of our favourite pieces of meat ever. He was a strange man who spoke with a lisp and dribbled quite a bit. These days he would have worked in IT.
James I was such a fan of good meat that when he was once presented with a really high-quality loin of beef for his dinner, he pulled out his sword and uttered the words, ‘I dub thee Sir-loin.’ It’s interesting to think that without James I, Aberdeen Angus steakhouses may never have existed.
He also reigned during the Gunpowder Plot of 1605 where ex-soldier and Catholic Guy Fawkes attempted to blow up Parliament while the Protestant king was inside it. Although the barrels had been placed many months before in a cellar under the House of Lords, and were ready for igniting, Fawkes was caught when he made the cardinal sin of going back to the unlit fuses. Ironically, this fact is of course celebrated each year by men across the country on Bonfire Night. It’s every man’s divine right to ignore the shouts of ‘NO, DAD, YOU’LL BE BLINDED’ and stride over to the firework that’s failed to go off, as if we can make it work by igniting it with sheer testosterone. Guy Fawkes was tortured and hung, drawn and quartered but I’d like to think he died for our right to perform this very act.