‘Oh, it’s not that I’m afraid of you,’ replied the skier scrambling to his feet. ‘But for a moment I thought you were my wife!’
The husband and wife were enjoying the skiing until the man suddenly lost control and went waist deep into the snow.
As he struggled to free himself his wife said, ‘Hurry up, my feet are freezing.’
‘You should be so lucky,’ shuddered the husband.
The weather had suddenly turned bad and a snowstorm swirled up, restricting visibility. Members of the ski patrol were trying to check that there were no skiers out when a man almost skied into their office.
‘You’ll have to go and rescue my wife, she’s trapped on the slope,’ gasped the man as he started to remove his skis.
‘Don’t take off your skis,’ said a member of the ski patrol. ‘You can lead us to where you last saw her.’
‘Are you mad?’ yelled the skier. ‘You don’t really expect me to go out in weather like this?’
An Irishman and his wife arrived in Aspen, Colorado, for a skiing holiday and as they sat in the restaurant for their first meal the husband scanned the menu and asked his wife, ‘What do you call that American dish I’m so wild about?’
‘Goldie Hawn,’ replied his wife without looking up from the menu.
The skier was making his way to the chair lift when he was stopped by a young woman.
‘Good morning, sir,’ greeted the young woman. ‘My name is Barbara and I am carrying out a survey on behalf of the ski association as to the reason you chose this particular resort. I won’t take up much of your time if you would be good enough to answer a few questions.’
‘Certainly,’ said the skier, resting on his poles.
‘Thank you,’ replied Barbara, holding her pen at the ready over her clipboard. ‘Did you choose this resort because of the excellent skiing facilities?’
‘No,’ answered the young man.
‘Because of the great training programme?’
‘No.’
‘Because you’re sure to have good quality snow here?’
‘No.’
‘Because you are encouraged to take part in so many events?’
‘No.’
‘Because you can see so many world-class skiers here?’
‘No.’
‘Because of the wonderful hotel accommodation?’
‘No.’
‘Because of the world-famous food?’
‘No.’
‘Because some of the streets are heated and you can walk to the shops in comfort?’
‘No.’
‘Because of the shows in the evening?’
‘No.’
‘Well,’ challenged the girl, ‘why did you come here?’
‘I won it in a holiday competition,’ grinned the young man as he side-slipped away.
The ambulance men rushed the stretcher into the hospital. The injured man was lying face down on the stretcher with a ski pole sticking in his backside.
‘What happened?’ asked the doctor.
‘Two skiers crashed into each other and in the tangle this man was impaled on the ski pole. We thought it would be better to leave it there until you saw it,’ answered the ambulance man.
‘Right,’ said the doctor. ‘Who is the man holding his hand?’
‘That’s the man who caused the injury.’
‘He’s showing a lot of concern,’ commented the doctor.
‘Not really,’ replied the ambulance man. ‘He wants his ski pole back!’
At the recent Winter Olympics the Irish downhill champion broke his leg in two places: once at the top of the run and once at the bottom.
Very early one morning at a ski resort a beginner went out to practise a few moves on his own without any onlookers. He was making slow and shaky progress when suddenly he was struck by a piste basher.
As he lay in hospital, legs in plaster, arms and head bandaged, one of his friends called to see him.
‘You know,’ advised his friend, ‘you should sue for damages.’
‘I don’t want damages,’ replied the injured skier. ‘I want repairs!’
The ski instructor was talking to a class of beginners and was giving them a history of skiing.
‘The “Hoting Ski”, which was found in Sweden, is believed to be over four thousand years old,’ explained the instructor. ‘It is generally accepted that this ski was mainly used for hunting but sport has not been ruled out. I imagine any sport in which they would have taken part would have been very different from what we know today. Tell me, can anyone suggest two other ancient sports?’
‘Certainly,’ answered one would-be skier. ‘Antony and Cleopatra?’
A doctor was explaining his surgery methods to his new assistant.
‘When a young person comes to the surgery and is suffering from stress, I ask if he or she skis. If the answer is “yes”, I advise them to stop at once. If the answer is “no”, I advise them to start as soon as possible.’
‘I believe you had a terrible fall,’ observed a concerned skier when he met his friend.
‘Indeed I did. Someone stole my skis,’ came the sad reply.
‘Stole your skis? Then how did you fall?’ queried the puzzled man.
‘They stole them while I was in the middle of a jump!’
‘Is it true you had glass skis made for your wife?’ asked Alan.
‘Quite true,’ answered Tony.
‘Glass skis? But why glass?’ questioned Alan.
‘So when she knocks someone down and skis over them, she’ll see who it is!’
The two girls arrived at the resort for their first skiing holiday. They had a lot of luggage and immediately started to unpack when they reached their hotel room.
New ski suits, gloves, hats, boots, goggles, underclothes, soft boots, dresses, blouses, skirts, sweaters, shoes, coats, sun cream, lip salve, cameras, a video on skiing and make-up soon covered the bed.
As they stood looking at the collection of clothing and various other items one girl suddenly exclaimed, ‘Oh, bother! We’ve forgotten to bring our skis!’
Desmond was enjoying his cross-country run when he heard the shouts and screams of a girl. He immediately headed in the direction of the cries. When he reached the scene he saw a girl lying on the ground and a man trying to stick her skis in the snow in the shape of a cross.
‘What’s happening?’ shouted Desmond.
‘This girl has had an accident and I’m marking the spot with her skis,’ replied the man.
‘You stupid bugger,’ cried Desmond. ‘You’re supposed to take them off first!’
‘Oh, I’m so thrilled,’ cried the girl. ‘My husband has just broken the record for the Irish ski jump. Has your husband broken