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First published in paperback by HarperCollinsPublishers in 1993
Copyright © Ernest Forbes 1993
Illustrations copyright © Graham Morris 1993
Ernest Forbes asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work
A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library
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Source ISBN: 9780006382461
Ebook Edition © JUNE 2016 ISBN: 9780008192037
Version: 2016-06-20
Had it been intended that man should ski – when I say man I use it collectively to embrace all members of the human race and politicians – we would have been born with feet which grew lengthways to equal our height.
Skiing is definitely for the birds.
I’m glad I haven’t to ski until tomorrow.
It is alleged that tall persons make better skiers and this book is guaranteed to increase your height …
… if you stand on it!
Contents
‘Why the hell did you write that insurance policy for a 96-year-old man going on a skiing holiday?’ shouted the manager at the travel clerk.
‘Well,’ said the clerk, ‘I checked the records and no one of that age has ever had a skiing accident.’
The skier came to a stop at the end of the run and threw his poles, hat and gloves to the ground as he snorted in disgust, ‘I’ve never skied so badly before!’
‘Oh,’ probed an interested instructor, ‘you mean to say you’ve skied before?’
‘What the hell happened to Graham this afternoon when he was jumping?’ asked Ken. ‘He left the jump in a perfect position then all of a sudden he went to pieces. Arms and legs all over the place, then down with a thump.’
‘Well,’ answered Tim, shaking his head in disbelief, ‘in the middle of the jump his mobile phone rang and the silly bugger tried to answer it!’
The sports shop had a large sign: ‘50 PER CENT OFF ALL SPORTING EQUIPMENT.’
A man walked into the shop and, indicating the sign, asked the assistant, ‘Does that apply to skis?’
‘It does,’ replied the assistant.
‘Good,’ acknowledged the man and took out his chequebook, whereupon the assistant handed him one ski.
‘My instructor says I would be a great skier except for two things,’ announced a woman to her companion.
‘Oh,’ said the other woman, ‘what are they?’
‘My feet,’ came the reply.
The ski instructress was talking to a class of beginners and explaining to them the various signs they would encounter in the sport.
‘Signs at present are not universal,’ pointed out the instructress. ‘The colours and shapes of the signs are different in America, Europe and Australia. Some places have square signs, some diamond-shaped, some circles and some use balls. The only common factor is the colour black and that indicates the most difficult runs. Now, from what I have said, could anyone tell me where I would find black circles?’
‘In Europe,’ replied one man.
‘Very good,’ nodded the instructress. ‘Now, where would I find black diamonds?’
‘America and Australia,’ came a quick answer.
‘Excellent,’ approved the instructress. ‘And where would I find black balls?’
‘The West Indies Cricket Team?’ chirped a little blonde at the front of the class.
Her legs ached, her arms ached, her back ached, her head ached, in fact she ached all over. She spent most of her time on the slopes picking herself up. Her skis were constantly entangled, one pointing east the other pointing west. She even took a tumble when she tried to get on a chair lift and almost impaled her husband.
As she slowly dragged herself into the hotel bedroom, she croaked to her husband, ‘Tell me again, darling, what a wonderful time we’re having. I keep forgetting!’
‘I would ski only I don’t want to break a promise,’ boasted the big-headed one.
‘I would ski only I don’t want to break a leg,’ stated the honest one.
‘I gave up fishing for skiing,’ said Richard, ‘and I must say, I would rather ski than fish.’
‘Ah, you would rather battle against the elements than a fish,’ said Larry.
‘No, not really. But when you talk about skiing you don’t have to produce evidence of your expertise,’ replied Richard.
A man told his wife he was going on a business trip for a week but he had actually booked a week at a ski resort. He flew out of the country and was soon signing the register at the hotel, eager to hire the ski equipment and get on the slopes.
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