I let myself mould against him, just for a moment, and then I lift my eyes and look at him. I shake my head as the tears fall. ‘I’m sorry,’ I say, and then I find I can’t stop. I say it over and over and over.
‘No,’ he replies and silences my litany with a kiss. ‘I got ahead of myself. It’s too soon.’
I shake my head, because I know in another version of our lives it wouldn’t be too soon. The problem is, I’m not sure I want that reality any more, even though the thought of losing him suddenly seems much bigger and more final than I ever realised.
It’ll be like him dying.
Because I won’t just grieve him the way I would if we’d split up when I was twenty-one. I’ll grieve for all the extra years we’ve had that he’ll never know about – the way he looked when Sophie was born, as if he could burst with pride and love for the both of us. How nervous he was on our wedding night. Even silly little things like that cup of tea he always brings me when he gets home from work.
That Dan won’t ever exist in this world, and I feel the loss of him like a physical pain in my chest.
He hasn’t got a hanky, so he uses the cuff of his shirt sleeve to dry my tears.
It’s not you, it’s me, I want to say, but I’m aware it sounds over-used, even in this decade, so I don’t. Or maybe it’s us. The us we will become. I’m setting us free from that, from the boredom and the simmering resentment. From the disappointment of knowing that even though we once thought we could be everything to each other, we clearly can’t.
By silent agreement we walk back towards the High Street, heading for the bus stop. When we reach my flat, I open the front door that leads into the communal hallway of our converted Victorian house, but Dan doesn’t cross the threshold with me.
‘Aren’t you coming in?’
He shakes his head.
‘This doesn’t mean I’m breaking up with you,’ I say. ‘Just that I need time to think. You’re right – we are both so young, we need to be sure this is the right thing. For both of us.’ I stop then, because I know that I’m lying, that as much as I’m pretending nothing’s changed, there’s been a seismic shift in our relationship.
He shrugs and looks at his shoes. ‘I know that. It’s just that … I need time alone. I need time to think too.’
I would have accepted that without a doubt once upon a time. After all, it’s a perfectly natural response for someone whose proposal of marriage has not been as enthusiastically received as it was delivered – especially for a man like Dan, who likes to lick his wounds in private.
‘Where are you going to go?’
Another pause. I can almost hear him thinking his response over.
‘I dunno. Just for a walk, I expect.’
Totally understandable. And I would have believed him, I really would, if when he looked at me he hadn’t worn that same expression he always used in our future life, the one that accompanies his oh-so-innocent declaration that he’s off down the pub with a long-lost mate who is actually having a second honeymoon in Prague.
The flat is empty and I sit down on the sofa in the dark. The ugly sunburst clock above the electric fire ticks.
I did it. But I don’t know whether to feel sorry or relieved.
I don’t know what to do now. This is the first time since I’ve been living this crazy … whatever it is … that I’ve veered completely off script. I was still friends with Becca, still doing my uni course, still with Dan. But now I haven’t just amended a bit of dialogue, skipped a scene or fudged a bit of stage direction; I’ve completely changed the ending.
I think about that night – the other night like this. The two realities couldn’t be more different. In that one I was laughing, happy, full of hope. In this one I’m just … numb. And wondering why my almost-fiancé is lying to me about where he’s going.
I shiver as I recall the look on Dan’s face.
I thought the fibs, the sneaking around, had been a new thing. What if it isn’t? What if he’s been doing this the whole time and it’s just taken me this long to catch on?
I screw up my face and squeeze my eyes shut, as if by doing so I can stop the spinning in my head. I can’t believe that’s true. It doesn’t fit with the steady, reliable, slightly boring Dan I know. But then I think of women who find out their husbands have had a secret family on the side for years, or whose husbands have committed rapes or awful sex offences and they truly have no idea.
Maybe I made the right call after all.
The numbness fades a little and just the tiniest smidge of peace seeps in. I breathe out. I haven’t burned my bridges yet, I suppose. I’ve just told Dan I need time, which is just as well, as I need at least a week to work out what I’m going to do.
A thought flashes through my head: Jude.
Dan’s proposal wasn’t the only surprise on this night. My heart skips into a higher gear.
I need to see him, I realise. I need to hear him say those words again. Not just because I’m keeping my options open, but I need to know I haven’t romanticised that scene after all those Facebook-prompted fantasies. If I’m really going to change my future, I need to be sure.
I stand up, grab my handbag from where I dumped it near the door and head out again. It only takes me ten minutes to make the usual fifteen minute stroll to the Queen’s Head. When I push through the heavy oak door with the etched glass panel, I stop in my tracks, confronted by two colliding realities. I look over at the corner where Dan and our friends had gathered that night, laughing and celebrating, and there seems to be an emptiness, even though all the tables are filled.
I order a lager and black, take a quick sip and then head out to the pub garden. It’s started to rain now. Hard, like it had been that night. A heavy shower after a sunny day had sent all the drinkers scurrying back inside. Not bothering to cover my head or put up the umbrella I have in my bag, I look around, and then I look again. My stomach goes cold.
He’s not here.
Of course he’s not.
He has no reason to be. I’m not thinking this through clearly.
Jude only came to the pub because he’d heard Dan and I were there. If I don’t say yes to Dan, word won’t have got round the college grapevine. The tiny flame of hope I’ve been carrying inside since I walked out my flat door falters and flickers. I sit down on the end of an empty picnic bench, deflated. It had all seemed so easy in my head.
I could look for him, I think, as rain splashes into my hair and runs down my scalp.
I could, but I go back into the pub, find a wall to prop myself against and drink my lager and black, ignoring the chattering people around me. But maybe that won’t be the same either. Jude doesn’t know he might lose me forever. Without that very specific kick up the backside, he probably won’t come looking for me at all.
I drain the last of my half pint and stand up. I have to try. I can’t just let this life drift by without fighting for it. I did that with the original one, and look how happy I was.
I plant my empty glass down firmly on the bar, then walk through the crowds and out back onto the main road. I turn and head in the direction of the college, the Student’s Union bar, to be more exact. Jude is a bit of a regular.
I shake my head as I walk, not only to clear the rain from it but to clear my mind. I was so stupid. Complacent. Letting so many chances slip by me. They say youth is wasted on the young, but not this twenty-one year old. Not this time.
I