He said, “Wot the bloody ‘ell did tha say?”
Honey tried again, “I thaid…HAVE you FINithed WEcording?”
“No, we haven’t finished WEcording. Bloody Cain nivver showed up.”
As they went through the front doors, pursued by girls, Ruben said, “I don’t know why we let him be in the band, he can’t sing and he’s an idle git.”
Seth said, “I tell you why we let ‘im be in the band, the lasses come to see ‘im, ‘e writes the lyrics, and ‘e’s our brother.”
On the way home Vaisey said, “Honey’s quite, you know…advanced for her age, isn’t she? She told me she’s a size 34 C.”
I looked at Vaisey sideways and said casually, “Yeah, yeah, she would be about that. What are you…about a 32 um…?”
Vaisey looked down at herself.
“Yeah, I’m 32 B. So far.”
I looked down at myself and she looked as well.
We walked on in silence for a bit.
Then I said, “Do you think my corkers are growing?”
Vaisey looked closer and said, “Yes, I think they are. Maybe you could do some excercises. Like press-ups.”
Hmmm.
I said, “Oh yes. I could do the massage and press-ups combined.”
Vaisey said, “Massage?”
I didn’t mention the corker-rubbing business because there is something about Vaisey that makes me think she would find it unhygienic. And also we were sharing a bed tonight. Sharing a bed with Vaisey, but sharing a pub with Alex.
When we got to Heckmondwhite I said I would see her in about an hour and scampered to the Dobbins’. I unlocked the door. Aaaah, the peace and tranquillity. No looming mad twins, no huge shorts. I walked around the kitchen just for the sheer pleasure of not having anyone staring at me from the floor.
In my squirrel room, I opened the window, it was still quite hot. I was putting together my little overnight bag when I thought, what if I unexpectedly bump into Alex on my way to the lala in the middle of the night? What should I say?
What about a quirky saying? To enhance my quirky nature.
What about, “Cor, love a duck, I didn’t see you there, young sir!”
No no no!!!
I didn’t want him to see me in my jim-jams.
And what about if he said, “Do you fancy a ride in my car?”
What is good car wear?
A hat?
For wind?
Or a headscarf?
I haven’t got a headscarf.
Well that’s it then, isn’t it? The whole thing is ruined. I haven’t even got a headscarf to go out in his car.
I can’t think about this.
I’m going to do deep breathing.
Looking out of my window across the fields. Towards Grimbottom.
Me and the girls are going to go to Skipley tomorrow. On the bus! Who would have thought I would be so excited about going on a bus. But there might be civilisation in Skipley. There might be a Topshop. I am soooo excited. I am over-excited. I’m hysterical, I may have to slap my own face in a minute at this rate.
I got my things and left the house quickly. As I crossed the village green, I saw that Alex was outside The Blind Pig sitting on the wall. I got the funny thumpy-heart thing. I must think of something sensible to say ahead of time.
What would be normal to talk about?
He smiled when he saw me.
Ooooohhh, he was smiling. He was doing the smiling thing. Ooooooh.
“Ay up, Tallulah, are you alright?”
I smiled back and kept my jacket done up to de-emphasise my lack of corkers.
Alex was sitting with his legs crossed and his hands in his pockets. The sun was still quite bright and he screwed his eyes up so that he could see me. He looked lovely with screwy-up eyes.
He said, “What are you up to tonight, then?”
I said in an offhand way, “I’m staying at yours actually, because Dibdobs has gone off making acorn pies with the Brownies.”
He laughed.
And then I couldn’t think of anything else to say.
He said, “What have you been up to at college?”
I said, “Well we did an improvised thingy about the Brontës. You know, howling winds…woooooooo. And then we did leaping and there’s going to be a performance lunchtime about, um…well I thought I might do the owl eggs.”
He looked puzzled.
“Eggs?”
Oh noooo. Now I had started an egg thing. Again. Because I had been thinking about the last time I saw him in the barn. I couldn’t back out of it, so I said, “Yeah, you know, the, well, I was thinking about the owl eggs and I thought I might do a performance about them.”
He still looked at me and didn’t say anything.
So I went on. “Yeah, because Ruby told me that when they are born, the owl twins will have double eyelids, which is, um…interesting.”
And I started doing an impression of double eyelids for him.
Not that he had asked me.
But as I had started I couldn’t stop. I raised my bottom eyelids really slowly upwards without moving my upper eyelids. Which is hard, actually.
Alex folded his arms and leant back and said, “How old are you?”
And I said, “Hahahahaha, old enough.”
Why? Old enough for what? To be friends with eggs?
Just then a car drew up with a boy driving and honked its horn. Alex slid off the wall and waved at the bloke. Then he said to me, “Have fun. Don’t lead my sister into bad ways.”
And he went off and got in the car.
Ruby came out with Matilda, her bulldog, and waved Matilda’s paw at him. And the car drove off.
I said, as casually as I could, “So where is, um…Alex off to?”
She looked at me and said, “Don’t even think about it.”
I daren’t ask Ruby anything about Alex. I felt a bit sad. And stupid at the same time.
But it was good fun with Vaisey and Ruby. We had our tea in the pub kitchen served by Mr Barraclough, Ruby’s dad. I’d never seen Ruby’s mum and I didn’t like to ask where she was. Especially as it might then lead to questions about my mum and dad who I haven’t even heard from.
Mr Barraclough said, “What will you artists be up to tonight, then? Will you be pretending to be stuck in an imaginary cupboard?”
Ruby said, “Dad, can we have crisps?”
He said, “Yes, just as long as you don’t let these two make them into anything unusual.”
And he went laughing off into the bar.
He’s big. He ate fifteen pies at the pie-eating contest.
So we just messed about upstairs in the pub. Vaisey and me worked out what we were going to wear to go to Skipley