So as he parted my legs and nudged his way inside me, as we moved together as one, I felt that connection again. All was well in that moment. Everything was perfect.
NATALIE
I nearly didn’t go to choir. Ed had promised to babysit again but had phoned earlier that day full of sheepish apology. Some guy he’d been lusting after for months had asked him on a date. Could I get another babysitter and he promised that he’d do the next one? I brushed it off.
I wasn’t that bothered about going. I’m not sure why I’d agreed. Actually, I am. I’d knocked back one too many glasses of Caroline’s delicious wine. I saw the label and knew it had come from Waitrose. Anyway, I’d got a warm feeling from the wine and the assembled company. I like Jim. He’s been the local postman forever and he is a kind man. Dan used to joke that he fancied me but he’s fifty if he’s a day and I’ve never seen him look at me in that way. He’s like the street’s uncle. I also remember Pamela from toddler group. She’s got a good heart and I’ve always liked Doly from the shop. Woody and her daughter Sadia are good friends too and we sometimes help each other out with school pick-ups. The whole group had a lovely feel and when Guy turned up and Caroline proposed a toast, I got carried along by it. Plus, I thought it would be a new hobby, something to make me more interesting in my bid to save my marriage. Singing was sexy – people love singers. Look at Taylor Swift and Rihanna – they had more men interested in them than I’d had jaffa cakes and I’ve eaten a lot of jaffa cakes.
However, one week later, in the sober light of day and with a viable ‘get-out’ clause, I felt complete relief. To be honest, I hadn’t felt like going anywhere much since Dan left. I felt vulnerable, as if everyone could see through my skin to the raw pain just below the surface. I knew that Caroline already had me down as a complete fruit-loop and I wasn’t ready for another dose of ‘my life’s so much better than yours’. Plus, I’d really gone off brushing my hair and making an effort. I figured I could get away with it. Writers are supposed to be pasty-faced weirdos with an aversion to socialising. They’re too busy creating to bother with other people or deodorant.
So it was something of a shock when I opened the door just after seven to find Dan standing on the doorstep, a lop-sided smile on his lips. I glanced down at my bobbled bunny pyjama-bottoms, tracing my gaze up to my oh-sobaggy but oh-so-comfortable hot-pink hoodie. No-one could pull this look off and call it style, not even Kate Moss.
‘This is a surprise,’ I ventured, offering the understatement of the year. I realised at that moment that a fortnight had passed since Dan’s departure. This time two weeks ago, we had been happily married. Everything had been fine. What a difference a bombshell makes.
I felt a sudden surge of panic that he was coming round ‘to talk’. I didn’t want to be dressed like this when we talked. I wanted to be wearing something smart and sexy – those jeans he’d always liked with that top he said made my breasts look magnificent. I wanted to look magnificent as he told me why he wanted our marriage to end. I wanted him to be sure because I felt certain that if I reminded him of what he would be missing, he would change his mind. It would be like cooking bacon for a conflicted vegetarian and watching them drool. I definitely didn’t want to have this conversation with unwashed hair whilst dressed like a sloven.
‘Ed called me,’ he explained. ‘Said you needed a babysitter?’
This made me cross, firstly because Ed had called Dan without asking me and secondly because Dan had described himself as a ‘babysitter’. I’m pretty sure it’s impossible to babysit your own son. I think it’s just called ‘being a parent’.
We were still standing on the doorstep and Dan was peering past me, inching forwards. I was on the brink of telling him that he was mistaken and shutting the door when I heard Woody say, ‘Hey, Dad.’
I stood back, defeated, and allowed Dan to pass. I looked down at the floor as he did so. I didn’t want the awkwardness of that moment when we were supposed to look each other in the eye and kiss. I couldn’t bear it.
‘Hey, fella,’ said Dan, approaching his son and drawing him into a hug.
‘What are you doing here?’ The question was simple but heart-breaking at the same time. It had only been a fortnight and yet Woody seemed used to the fact that Dan was now a visitor to our house.
Dan glanced at me. He heard it too. ‘Well,’ he replied. ‘Your mum is going out so I thought I would come by and hang out with you for a bit, if that’s okay?’
Woody shrugged. ‘Okay. Do you want to see my new Match Attax cards? I swapped Diego Costa Hundred Club for Daniel Sturridge Star Player.’
‘Cool,’ said Dan, ruffling his son’s hair. He transferred his gaze to me. It was a look that said, You’re good to go.
I was thinking, Don’t make me go. I don’t want to go. Let me stay. Please. I’ll be no bother. I want to sit with you both, to just hang out and be. I want to keep hold of my family, to keep us together somehow.
But they had disappeared into the living room, already lost in their chat about over-paid footballers, and I was left in the hall doing my best not to cry.
No-one was more surprised than me when I found myself standing in the draughty community hall, forty minutes later, with twenty or so mostly female would-be singers. It had been the call from Ed which had finally persuaded me to come. I snatched up my phone as soon as I saw his ID.
‘I hate you,’ I answered.
‘Well, I love you,’ he replied. ‘And I’m not sorry. You need to get out of that house, and you can always talk to Dan when you get home. You can have a calm chat, instead of a hysterical, please don’t die, oh you’ve only got a hernia, type conversation.’
‘Ha bloody ha. You basically made me do that.’
‘How so?’
‘You told me to go get my man.’
‘Yeah, “Go get your man.” Not, “Blatantly misunderstand the situation.”’
‘Whevs. Did I mention that I hate you?’
‘Except you don’t. Now I’m off to flirt outrageously with the beautiful Mark. Go, sing your heart out and I’ll call you tomorrow for a de-brief, ’kay?’
‘O-kay.’ I hung up feeling a little cheered. He was right. Annoying, but right.
There was an air of anticipation but also excitement, matching my own, as I walked into the hall. The chairs had been arranged in rows and people stood with their friends, eyeing Guy with interest and chatting nervously. I already knew a few faces. Caroline gave me a nod of acknowledgement with a smile that didn’t reach her eyes. She was there with her school playground clique. Pamela gave me a cheery wave and Doly looked up and smiled too. Jim the postman wandered over to greet me.
‘Hello, Jim, I didn’t have you down as a choir man,’ I said, grateful to see a friendly face.
‘Actually, I used to be in a band in the nineties,’ he replied with pride.
‘Oh, wow, anyone I’ve heard of?’
‘So you know Take That?’
‘Yes, of course,’ I replied, ready to be impressed.
‘Well, I was Robbie Williams in a tribute band called A Million Love Songs.’
‘Oh. Wow. That’s pretty impressive.’
Jim