‘I’ll be fine,’ she continued. ‘I’m annoyed by my own carelessness, that’s all.’
‘Why won’t you talk about this, Lucy?’ he asked. ‘Is it too scary to admit that what happened with your dad might have left its mark?’
Adam scrutinized her features but before he could find what he was looking for, she dropped her head back down on his shoulder. Squeezing her eyes shut, Lucy let her mind fill with memories of her dad reading to her, playing with her, laughing and joking. There were darker memories too, sounds of raised voices, doors slamming, and silence. It was the silence that had scared her most, but she had been too young to understand why.
‘I’m not denying it left its mark. I was eight years old and I was confused, especially when no one would give me proper answers. I was scared that what happened to Dad would happen to Mum.’
‘Or to you?’
‘Maybe,’ she confessed, holding herself so taut that her body trembled.
With his chin resting on her head, Adam’s voice was muffled by her curls. ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you, but I’m not sure this is something we should ignore. You’re about to give birth and it’s natural for you to worry about what one generation might have passed on to the next.’
‘I know, but worrying won’t make it go away and talking about it isn’t helping,’ Lucy said as she forced herself up and reached for the glass of cordial. Taking a generous sip, she swallowed her fear.
Adam tugged at her jumper to bring her back to him. ‘How about we start this again?’ he said. ‘Let’s forget about lost keys and gas hobs.’
‘Tell me about your day,’ she said as brightly as she could manage. ‘Did you sort out that interface thing, or will you have to go to Manchester tomorrow?’
‘It couldn’t be fixed,’ he said, ‘and I’m going to be on site for the rest of the week, so expect some early starts and late nights.’
‘I’ll try not to fidget so much in bed,’ said Lucy, recalling his earlier complaint. ‘I don’t want you driving all that way with no sleep.’
‘Don’t worry, it’s not like I haven’t got used to all your thrashing about.’
She dug her elbow into his side. ‘I do not thrash about.’
‘It’s worse when you stop. Then you snore.’
When Lucy giggled, she was surprised how quickly she could switch from tears to laughter. Her husband had a special gift. ‘Now I know you’re lying.’
They were quiet for a moment, comfortable in each other’s arms. She felt safe enough to picture a scene four months from now when there would be chaos all about them. She imagined their panic as they threaded tiny limbs into complicated baby clothes, tripped over boxes of nappies or waged silent arguments over who had lost the TV remote as their baby slept. It was going to be amazing.
‘So what do you think?’ asked Adam.
‘Hmm?’ she said, coming back from her daydream.
‘The Sandstone Trail.’
‘What about the Sandstone Trail?’ she asked, confused by his non sequitur.
She knew the trail well because it was where Adam had taken her on one of their first dates. His firm had organized the gruelling two-day trek and one of their first stopping points had been a craggy outcrop on the sandstone ridge that ran from Frodsham to Whitchurch. Adam had lured her to the edge to take in the stunning view across the Cheshire plains and towards Liverpool, not realizing how she had trembled in fear. It was there, on the spot they now referred to as Heart’s Leap, that she had told him about her father and, if she wasn’t mistaken, it pinpointed the exact moment they had fallen in love.
‘Did you hear a word I was saying?’
Lucy straightened up, certain that her husband was teasing her and she would catch a sneaky smile on his face; instead his expression was one of concern. ‘But you didn’t say anything.’
Adam took a breath but whatever he was about to say was released with a sigh. ‘Never mind. I was saying that Ranjit’s organizing another charity walk this year.’
Lucy’s heart rattled against her ribcage. ‘You never spoke a word, Adam. Are you sure you weren’t simply thinking it in your head?’
Adam’s raised eyebrow spoke volumes, and while she didn’t understand how she could have remained oblivious to what was going on around her, she couldn’t face another debate that would only serve to highlight her shortcomings.
‘I must have been miles away,’ she said with a casual shrug that sent a cold shiver skittering down her spine. ‘I was thinking about the baby and how manic it’s going to be when she arrives.’ Draining her glass, she returned it to the tray with shaking hands. ‘So go on, tell me about the walk.’
‘Lucy …’ Adam began, less eager to gloss over what had just happened.
‘When is it?’
‘At the beginning of August,’ he said with a note of resignation. ‘I told Ranjit you probably wouldn’t want to do it.’
‘Too right. The baby will be less than two months old and I’d rather not risk it,’ she said. Although her lips were moving and words came out, her mind was elsewhere. She forced the panic to the corners of her mind where she wished it would stay. She needed to concentrate if she were to avoid another mistake. ‘Do you still want to do it?’
‘It depends on how you and the baby are doing. I wouldn’t leave you to cope on your own for the weekend if there were any problems.’
‘There won’t be,’ she said. ‘And I could always come and meet you at the refreshment stops.’
‘OK, I’ll put my name down,’ Adam said with no enthusiasm whatsoever.
Lifting her head slightly, Lucy said, ‘I can’t smell garlic. Are you sure you switched the oven on?’
Peeling himself away from his wife, Adam stood up. ‘Of course I switched it on,’ he said with an air of confidence that wasn’t meant to annoy, but it did. ‘I need to put the dough balls in for the last ten minutes though, and I might give the kitchen a quick wipe down while I’m waiting. There’s some interesting marks on the dining room table I think I should clean.’
Lucy winced. ‘That wasn’t a message for you.’
‘No?’
Adam remained looming over her until she gave in. ‘I told you I was an evil cow,’ she said.
Lucy’s sweet smile faded after Adam left the room. She swung her legs up and slumped back on the sofa so she could stare at the ceiling, but despite her brain’s apparent ability to disengage without notice, unwelcome thoughts turned inside her head. Like the orange reflector on the wheel of her pink bicycle, her mind spun faster and faster. She was ready for that horrible lurch of her stomach, but what she felt was a different kind of quickening.
‘Adam!’ she cried.
Having pulled up her jumper, Lucy’s hand was pressed over a spot a few inches above her groin when Adam burst into the room with a knife in his hand and his eyes open wide. It looked like a scene from a horror movie but Lucy was laughing.
‘I can feel her,’ she said.
Placing the knife on the coffee table, Adam dropped to his knees. ‘Are you sure?’
Leaving him to assume that this was the first time, Lucy took Adam’s hand and placed it where hers had been. ‘Can you feel anything?’
Since that first