In the realm of Wit and Humour, Lord Aberdeen is a name to conjure with. All the kindly geniality of the North comes out in his rich repertoire of stories, and here the Publishers have pleasure in introducing to a wider public a few Gems from his collection.
JOKES CRACKED BY LORD ABERDEEN
ANIMAL FOOD
A certain Scot was not very well, and the doctor was called in. On making enquiries the doctor found that the man was mainly depending on farinaceous food, living, as his wife admitted, on “porridge and milk and whiles brose and tatties,” so he said: “I think your husband should take some animal food; it will brace him up.”
The wife seemed rather dubious, but replied, “Well, I suppose he micht try.”
“All right” said the doctor, “I had better call again in a few days to see how he does.”
And sure enough, in due course, the doctor arrived and on asking the wife how the new diet was suiting her husband, received the following reply:
“Weel, he manages middlin’ well wi’ the neeps; and whiles the linseed cake, but oh! doctor, he canna thole the strae!” (he cannot stand the straw).
LONGING FOR HIS LIVING
In the Scottish Presbyterian Churches there is a plan whereby a minister who, through advancing years, finds the burden of his charge too heavy, can be partly relieved by the appointment of what is known as an “assistant and successor.”
In this way an element of permanence is secured for the assistant or colleague, since, humanly speaking, it is only a matter of time when he will have full charge, and the full stipend, such as it may be.
I remember that the late Dr. Marshall Lang, who was a Moderator of the Church of Scotland, and latterly Principal of the University of Aberdeen, when speaking on a subject which included the above arrangement, said that he had heard of an elderly minister who once said to his “assistant and successor:” “I suppose, my young friend, you are ‘thinking long’ for my dying?”
“Ah, no, sir,” replied the younger man, “you must not put it so; for it is your living that I desire.”
BLIND ON SUNDAY
Dauvid: “I didna see ye, Sandy, at the Kirk on Sabbath.”
Sandy: “I noticed that, when I was takin’ up the collection.”
NO COWARD
A young man arrived unexpectedly at the house of some friends in the country. Could they put him up for the night? Well, they were about full—but, yes, there was one room still vacant, so he could use that. In due course the visitor was conducted to his room, the hostess remarking — “After we had taken the lease of this house we found that one of the rooms was supposed to be haunted; but I daresay you are not superstitious about that sort of thing.” “Oh, well, no,” said the visitor, “I don’t trouble about such tales.” When alone, he surveyed the room. It seemed to him to be rather a gaunt sort of place and somewhat chilly. He began to ruminate as to why such a rumour as he heard should have existed, and he decided that in case there should be any humbug of any sort he would place a small pistol, which he always carried in his dressing-case, by the bedside. Soon he fell asleep; but in the dim, grey light of early morning he awoke, feeling far from comfortable, and soon espied at the foot of the bed the appearance of a hand, in upright position. This seemed uncanny, and after a few moments he reached for his pistol, and then said very deliberately, “Now, I am no coward; but if that hand is not removed when I have counted three, I shall fire-One, two, three—Bang!—Oh!!” And ever since that morning one of the toes of that man’s right foot has been missing.
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