Holiday Jokes. Edward Phillips

the crossing only half open?’

      ‘Well, sir,’ the signalman shouted back, ‘we’re half expectin’ a train!’

      A man on holiday in Spain sent a postcard to his psychiatrist. It read: ‘Having a wonderful time. Why?’

      The scene: a holiday charter plane bound for the Mediterranean.

      Nervous passenger: ‘Stewardess, why is this plane jumping and twisting all over the place?’

      Stewardess: ‘Nothing to worry about, sir. The pilot just took his medicine and he forgot to shake the bottle.’

      A holidaymaker was dining in a country inn when he noticed a sign on the wall which read: Ici on parle Français.’ He said to the manager, ‘It’s unusual to find an inn in the middle of Cumbria where the staff all speak French.’

      ‘What gave you that idea?’ asked the manager.

      ‘Your sign,’ said the holidaymaker. ‘The one that says “French spoken here”.’

      ‘Is that what it says?’ exclaimed the manager in surprise. ‘I bought it from a young chap who said it meant ‘God Bless This House’.

      A Scotsman returned home from a holiday in London. That night in the pub he complained bitterly to his friends that his hotel room had cost him £15 a night. ‘I’ll bet it was worth it, though,’ said one of his pals. ‘I expect you had a wonderful time sightseeing.’

      ‘I did not!’ said the Scotsman. ‘I wasn’t going to pay that much for a room and not get the proper use of it!’

      A young lady on vacation in the country took a walk in the woods one afternoon and came across a large reservoir. It was a lovely sunny day and the water looked so inviting that she stripped off all her clothes and plunged in. At that moment, a policeman appeared on the bank and shouted, ‘I’ve been watching you, miss – there’s a law against swimming in this reservoir!’

      ‘Well, why on earth didn’t you tell me before I undressed!’ shouted the girl indignantly.

      ‘Oh, there’s no law against undressing,’ said the policeman.

      A holiday has been defined as the two weeks when a man stops doing what his boss tells him and starts doing what his wife tells him.

      A man went to Italy on holiday and died of wine, women and song. He was serenading a married lady under her balcony and her husband came out and hit him over the head with a bottle of Valpolicella.

      An elderly couple arrived in a holiday resort for a week’s holiday without having made any hotel reservations. They called in at the resort’s top hotel and asked for a room. ‘I’m sorry,’ said the receptionist, ‘but it’s the height of the season. We’re almost completely booked up – the only thing I could offer you is the Bridal Suite.’

      ‘The Bridal Suite!’ exclaimed the old gentleman. ‘But we’ve been married for forty-five years!’

      ‘So what?’ said the receptionist. ‘If I offered you the ballroom, would you have to dance?’

      Tour guides in Europe are certainly keen on tips. They are the only people who can clear their throats in seventeen different languages.

      A man was taking his very first holiday cruise and was spending most of the time draped over the ship’s rails – probably the first man to cross the Atlantic by rail.

      A sympathetic steward who happened to be passing said, ‘Cheer up, sir – nobody ever died of seasickness!’

      ‘For God’s sake don’t say that!’ groaned the man. ‘It’s only the hope of dying that’s keeping me alive!’

      A Texas millionaire took his wife on vacation to Miami Beach. The wife went down to the beach alone one morning and when her husband strolled down to join her about an hour later he noticed a large crowd at the water’s edge. ‘Say, what’s going on here?’ he asked.

      ‘They just pulled some woman out of the water,’ said a bystander.

      Pushing his way through the crowd, the Texan saw that the woman was his wife. She was lying stretched out on the beach with a lifeguard crouched over her. ‘What are you doing to my wife?’ the Texan yelled.

      ‘I’m giving her artificial respiration,’ said the lifeguard.