Brennan nodded, strolling back along the hard shoulder to where the DI’s car was parked. Just a few yards from the spot where the victims’ car had been parked. ‘Well, I assume that’s why I’m here,’ he said, smiling now. ‘But frankly, at the moment, your guess is almost as good as mine.’
‘Shit. Shit!’
She could hear the voice from the rear of the house, and for a moment she was tempted to turn around, step silently back outside, and head for the pub. There was nothing wrong here that a good evening’s drinking couldn’t cure. Except, of course, that there was. She’d tried drinking it away once or twice. It brought a temporary respite, but everything was still there the next morning. And you had to face it with a hangover.
She closed the front door noisily, making sure she’d unmistakably announced her entrance. ‘Liam?’
‘In the back.’ The fury of his previous utterance had drained away. There was another tone in his voice now. Something not too far removed from despair. Christ, she thought. Another fun-filled night in the Donovan household. Almost immediately she regretted the thought. This wasn’t about her. Whatever this was like for her, it was a thousand times worse for Liam. Of course, she knew that. And of course it didn’t help in the slightest.
She trudged her way slowly through the house and stood in the doorway of the former dining room that Liam had adopted as a studio. He was sitting slumped in his wheelchair in front of his easel. There was paint smeared across the canvas in a way that looked anything but artistic, unless Liam was attempting a radical shift in his painting style.
‘I can’t do it,’ he said.
She didn’t know how to respond. She could offer platitudes, try to tell him it wasn’t true. But they both knew that it was true, at least up to a point. She was no judge of art, though she liked Liam’s paintings. But even she could see that he’d lost something – a sureness of touch that characterised his best work. It wasn’t that his recent work was bad. At least, Marie didn’t think so. She could tell that the same vision was there, the same sense of imagery and perspective. But she recognised that he could no longer render his ideas with his old precision.
She’d tried to reassure him that it didn’t matter. It would just mark a change in style. After all, weren’t there theories that some of the old masters had developed their unique techniques as a result of various medical conditions – poor eyesight, colour-blindness, that sort of thing? Perhaps Liam could work within the confines of his condition to create something new.
It was bullshit, of course, and Liam’s response had been so scathing that she’d never tried the same argument again. But that left her with not much else to say. Even so, Liam stared back over his shoulder at her, challenging her to disagree.
‘What happened?’ she said, finally.
‘Christ knows. I thought I’d have a go at something new. At least try to make a start. I’ve been feeling knackered all week. But I just wanted–’ He stopped, his mouth moving slightly, as if he didn’t have the words to express what was in his mind. ‘I can’t just stop. I’ve got to keep trying.’
She moved forward and put a hand on his shoulder. ‘Tell me what happened.’
‘I’ve not done anything for weeks. Not really. I’ve played around putting a dab or here or there, pretending I was improving things–’ He stopped again. It was as if his mouth ran ahead of his brain, so that he had to stop every minute or two for his thoughts to catch up. ‘But I was just fooling myself. Most of it’s not worth trying to improve, anyway.’ He paused again, watching as she dragged a chair from the corner of the room and sat down beside him. ‘So this afternoon I just thought – well, let’s have a go.’ He waved his hand towards the canvas. ‘I’d been doing some sketches. They weren’t very good, but I thought they’d at least be the basis of something. Shit–’
She looked up at the smears of red and brown paint across the blank sheet. ‘I take it that wasn’t what you intended?’
He stopped and smiled for the first time, recognising that she was trying to engage with him. ‘No, not exactly. Christ, I wasn’t even trying to do anything very complicated. Just a few initial brushstrokes. And I couldn’t even do that properly. The lines were all over the place. In the end, I just scrubbed it out.’ He looked back at her, the smile faded, the eyes despairing. ‘Shit, Marie. It’s the only thing I could do, and now I can’t do it any more.’
There was nothing she could say. There was no point in denying it or in trying to offer any attempt at consolation. She knew from experience that he wouldn’t be in any mood to listen to that. She grasped his hand in hers, squeezing slightly, trying to express physically the emotions she couldn’t articulate in words. It wasn’t worth, now, even trying to pretend that his condition might improve. The consultant had made that clear. Liam had gone well beyond the point where they might expect any remission. The best they could hope for – and even this seemed increasingly forlorn as week followed week – was that his condition might stabilise, that he might remain as he now was. Looking at him this evening, that hardly seemed a consoling thought.
‘Come on,’ she said. ‘I’ll get some supper on. Open a bottle of wine. You’re exhausted now. You can try again tomorrow–’ Even as she said the last words, she regretted them, knowing how Liam was likely to react.
‘Jesus, Marie, haven’t you worked it out yet? I’m always bloody exhausted. I sit around on my arse all day in this bloody contraption, watching fucking makeover shows on TV. And I’m still bloody knackered. It’s not something a good night’s sleep’s going to sort out. Assuming I could even get a good night’s sleep.’
Not even trying to respond to any of this, she climbed to her feet and pushed the wheelchair back through into the sitting room. Depression, she thought. On top of everything else, like some bad joke. Apparently, it wasn’t uncommon for sufferers from multiple sclerosis also to suffer from clinical depression. Liam had had bouts of that before, long before he’d been diagnosed with MS. Just my artistic temperament, he’d half-joked, when they’d first talked about it. But now it looked as though it might have been just one more indicator of this bloody illness. Christ knew, he had enough to be depressed about.
She positioned him in front of the television, searching through the channels to find something that wasn’t entirely mind numbing. That was another thing, she thought. Perhaps the most worrying of all.
She’d expected the physical disability. Maybe not the extent of it or the speed of its progression – but she’d known it was going to happen. She’d steeled herself for it, as best she could.
What she hadn’t expected was the condition would affect him in other ways. His cognitive abilities, to use the jargon that had become so painfully familiar. It wasn’t unusual for MS to have some impact of that kind, but usually the effects were relatively minor – the odd difficulty in remembering a word or in formulating a sentence, some increased forgetfulness. Not that different from the fate that awaits most of us as we grow older, she thought.
But in Liam’s case it already seemed worse than that. He forgot things that had happened only minutes before. He struggled with words. There were activities, familiar day-to-day tasks that he seemed to have abandoned entirely – using their PC, operating the microwave, even using his mobile phone. Some of that resulted from the physical effects, of course. It was increasingly hard for him to get about the house, get into the kitchen, so he was less inclined to do things that previously would have seemed routine. And, as he’d snappily pointed out, if he hardly ever left the house, why would be need to use his mobile phone?
But it was more than that. She’d watched him, on a few occasions when he hadn’t realised she’d been observing, and seen how he’d struggled with what should have been straightforward tasks. Sometimes trying over and over again to complete an action like making a phone call. She’d heard him getting into tangles trying to explain something