‘Argh, stop there! God, the thought of Simon banging the headboard shouting “Bravo! I have reached my conclusion! Preparing to disengage member in three, two, one …”’ Ben shudders. ‘Find another confidante for this stuff.’
‘Kidding!’ I say, through the considerable yet slightly tense laughter. ‘It was dinner á deux, home un une.’
Ben makes a forehead-wiping gesture with his napkin.
‘Simon was more enigmatic on the point, of course. Oh she’s rilly something, Ben.’ He pulls a Roger-Moore-eyebrow Simon face that turns into a yuck Ben face.
We laugh.
‘I don’t know if we’re a good fit, I guess,’ I say. ‘He’s very clever and witty and scathing and so on. I think we’re very different. I’m sure he’d be a challenge. He scares me a bit to be honest with you.’
‘Hmm, I’m not entirely sorry you say this.’
I think of Caroline’s observation from my flat warming. This frank admission from Ben makes it more likely that his motives are above board. I feel relief, and the smallest tinge of what might be disappointment.
‘No?’
Ben shakes his head while chewing and swallowing. ‘I get on with him, I don’t really trust him. I couldn’t in all conscience advise a friend to date him.’
A friend. I am a friend again.
‘Liv thinks I’m being ridiculous and you two would be great, though, so what do I know.’
Hopefully a lot more than her when it comes to me, but I don’t say so.
‘I was slightly surprised you agreed to a date at all, if I’m honest,’ Ben continues.
I extract another piece of ham. ‘When’s the right time to start seeing people again after thirteen years? How do you know for sure who the right person to see is? Caroline said I had to give it a go and I thought she was right.’
‘You ought to trust your own instincts more. Caroline’s great but Caroline’s choices are Caroline’s choices, not yours.’
I’m touched by this, so touched I blurt: ‘That’s very thoughtful. You’re what they call “just gay enough”.’
Ben shakes his head and says through a mouthful of bread: ‘And I was being supportive. Anyone ever tell you you’re a heartless witch?’
‘Yeah, some bloke at uni once.’ I wave my hand, dismissively.
Too far. Ben swallows with a hard gulp, a thin smile settling afterwards. Despite the rehabilitation, a twinge from the old injury, reminding us not to overdo it, not to put too much weight on it yet.
What are Ben and I to each other? There’s no word for it. Not exes and, despite what he said and what I want to believe, not exactly friends either. No wonder other people have asked for a description. I yearn to broach the topic. But it would ruin everything.
‘Second date with Simon unlikely then?’ Ben asks, as much for anything to say, I think.
‘Unlikely. Not impossible.’
‘I’ll tell Liv it’s a “definite maybe”. That’ll keep her off your back and won’t insult Simon if he asks her.’
‘Good idea,’ I say, gratefully. ‘He’s got some interesting opinions, I’ll give him that.’
‘Hah. Such as the dinner party thing about how we’d all married the wrong people? Yeah, he doesn’t have much respect for other people’s relationships in general, from what I can glean,’ Ben says.
‘I think I know what you’re referring to. If you mean his past that is. He mentioned it.’
‘Oh. What did he say?’
‘That he’d had a thing for a married woman and she’d gone back to her husband.’
Ben nods. ‘He told me that too. He knows my views. Even if he had a grand passion for her, he shouldn’t have had a go.’
See, Caroline, I think. This is Ben. He might’ve enjoyed success in the arena, but he does not condone, or emulate, skirt stoats.
‘But he’s your mate?’
Ben shrugs. ‘He’s known Liv since uni and he’s been good to me at work. I don’t want to date him.’ He frowns. ‘I feel bad if I’ve put you off. Keep your wits about you, and you never know. You could be the making of him. I don’t quite see what’s in it for you, that’s all.’
‘Not dying old and alone?’
Ben laughs. ‘As if. Can I ask your opinion about something in return?’
‘Sure.’
‘Liv wants to move back to London in a year’s time.’
‘Oh.’ I’m not going to offer unbiased advice. This is a horse kick to the heart.
‘If I agree to it, our money won’t stretch to a house like the one we have here, down there. She wants me to let her parents buy us a giant place, near them. They’ve offered to get their little girl back down south, I think. I’ve refused. Am I being unreasonable?’
‘Your reasons are …?’
‘Aside from the fact they’re set on God-awful-ming in Surrey, it’s too much. I don’t want to be in hock to my in-laws for a fortune. Don’t get me wrong, they’re nice people. But I don’t want to be owned. I knew they were pretty formidable before we got married. This piece of incredibly well-timed generosity makes me think I underestimated them.’
‘The money isn’t available to you to buy up here?’
‘Oh no,’ Ben smiles, grimly. ‘Not that I’d take it, but no. That’s not the deal.’
‘And Olivia’s thoughts?’
‘She thinks I’m selfish. I’m endangering the happiness of my wife and security of our future children on an abstract whim. She says it’s money she’ll inherit eventually anyway. She’d be off tomorrow. She says she’s tried the north for me and doesn’t like it, experiment over, obligation fulfilled. Whereas this is the best I’ve felt in ages.’
Pathetic, given I am irrelevant, but: this last remark makes me want to hug him.
‘Difficult.’
I’m conscious that whatever I say may be repeated to Olivia, and this is none of my business. Only a few minutes ago, I was hearing how my judgement is better than Caroline’s, and yet this feels uncannily like the very thing Caroline warned me about. Ben has no one else to talk to up here, I reassure myself. This is fine. This is two old friends, chatting. Despite ‘friends’ not quite covering it.
‘I can see why you feel the way you do. There could be a compromise, where you pay them back in a certain number of years?’
‘We’re talking the kind of sum I could never fully pay back, Rachel. Repayment’s not the plan. Once we’re in there, it’ll be about filling the rooms …’
He breaks off. The kids issue. I’m definitely not asking about that.
‘I think you’re right to want to keep your autonomy,’ I say. ‘As for security, it’s not as if Didsbury’s a Soweto shanty town, is it?’
Ben shakes his head. ‘No.’
‘Olivia will come round, once Manchester improves on her,’ I add.
Ben raises his eyebrows and looks off into the middle distance, makes an equivocal ‘Hmm’ noise.
I sense there’s much more he could say but that