But why didn’t he just break up with me instead of making me do it?
Dear Greg
I’ve been seeing this guy for about eight months. At first we were just hooking up, but then we started really dating, exclusively. We were practically living at each other’s houses, rarely spending even one night apart. He even gave me a drawer at his place and a toothbrush! So a few weeks ago he started acting weird, and I asked if something was wrong. He said that things had moved along faster than he’d anticipated, and that even though it freaked him out, he was really happy with the way things were going and cared about me more than he’d expected to. I thought, Great! Then he’s suddenly too tired to come over or has to get up early the next day so he doesn’t think I should spend the night. So we went back to only seeing each other a few nights a week. Not great. When he got really distant, I knew something was up, so I checked his e-mails on his Sidekick when he was in the bathroom. It was clear from all the e-mails between him and TamiLynn78 that he’d been seeing someone else. So I confronted him about it and he didn’t deny it, so I told him we were O.V.E.R. and stormed out of his apartment. Now, this is the part where he was supposed to come running after me—but he didn’t! He just let me go, and I haven’t heard from him since. What’s up with that? I really want him to want me back and feel remorse for hurting me. Is that too much to ask?
Linda
Dear Yes It Is Too Much to Ask,
First of all, I think it’s great you checked his e-mails instead of talking to him. Sounds like you had a great, open, trusting relationship in which you dug around in his personal business while he cheated on you. Why did it have to end? I’m going to say this and it’s going to suck (but understand where I’m coming from). He broke up with you months ago and let you do the dirty work. It’s a weird, passive-aggressive trick that men have perfected for centuries. Chances are he didn’t want to hurt your feelings, so he behaved in a way that would make you break up with him. I call this the “Backhanded Breakup.” Men (and women) have done it for years. Not only that, but he had an escape plan involving another bed to crash on. What a scumbag! I’m sure he’s getting right on that remorse you were hoping for. The only thing he has done right is not contact you. You should gladly accept this radio silence because your relationship has been broken for a while, and get on with your grieving because you are moving on to something better.
But how do you know we’re not going to get back together?
Dear Greg
My boyfriend of three years and I decided to move in together about a month ago. In fact, it was his idea. Since he had the bigger place, we agreed that I’d let go of my apartment and move in with him. Everything was perfect—we repainted in colors that we both liked and started figuring out what pieces of furniture we’d keep when we merged our stuff. Then, the day before I’m supposed to move, after I’ve already given notice at my apartment and it’s been rented, he tells me that he’s done some thinking and that I’m not “the one.” He thinks that living together is a mistake and a waste of time for the both of us because it only delays us “finding our destinies.” He’s an amazing person that I can’t imagine living without, and I know that if he’s given a little more time he’ll realize that we are each other’s destiny. Great guys aren’t a dime a dozen. And he obviously has really strong feelings for me if he wanted us to live together a few weeks ago! Don’t you think I should be patient with him if I really believe that we’re meant to be together?
Clarissa
Dear Destiny’s Child,
Maybe you huffed too many paint fumes, but he said the words you are “not the one.” That’s pretty conclusive as far as these things go, and despite the really awful timing, you’ve got to admire the guy’s honesty. He did it to save you both more time and pain down the line. You don’t have to like it, you don’t have to enjoy it, but you do need to hear it. I know this hurts like a motherf*#ker, but it’s going to keep hurting if you don’t accept that it’s over. Plus he used the word “destiny.” What kind of New Age bullshit is that? People like to think they can control their destiny, but I think destiny is listening and seeing what’s really happening and then making the smart, albeit sometimes painful, decision to move forward without another person. If you guys are meant to be together, I’m sure his third eye will let him know and then he’ll surely move mountains to win you back. But I know for a fact that waiting for someone who may not be coming and being in pain are not your destiny. So realize that it’s called a breakup because it’s broken—and move on.
But what if our relationship really was great?
Dear Greg
Here’s one for you. I went out with a great guy for two years. He didn’t cheat, never lied, always made me feel special, and basically treated me like a queen. Then, two months ago, he tells me that he doesn’t have feelings for me anymore and doesn’t see the relationship going any further and hopes that we can be friends. I know for a fact that there’s not another woman, so I can only take him at his word because he’s never been anything but up front with me. So what happened?
Jennifer
Dear Great Gatsby,
Some guys (and ladies too) are great. In fact, many of them are. That’s why we like them so much, fall in love with them, and are disappointed when it doesn’t work out in the end. Sadly, that’s how it is sometimes. Two people in a relationship either grow together or apart over time. Sometimes they do both, and that’s the most puzzling. Regardless, it’s a very real occurrence that one’s feelings can stop growing for no identifiable reason. What you can be grateful for is his honesty, the untarnished memory of a healthy relationship, and the realization that great guys do exist, and hopefully you’ll find the right one for you that you’ll go the distance with. You found one once, you’ll find one again. Promise.
But why does it still hurt?
Dear Greg
My boyfriend and I broke up almost a year ago and it still hurts! We were only together for a year and a half, so shouldn’t I be over this? They say it takes half the time of the total length of the relationship to get over it, but that equation hasn’t worked for me. I swear it hurts as much today as it did a year ago. I still think about him every day and think of all the great memories we had together, and it makes me so mad that he just threw that all away. How long is it going to hurt and how do I get over this?
Lauren
Dear Time Stands Still,
I do believe that someone did say that it takes half the time of a relationship to get over it. There’s another formula, though, that may be more accurate; if your pet hamster dies, you count the number of years it was alive, divide that by its number of paws, and find the square root. OR maybe mathematical equations do not apply to the heart. I think the time it takes to feel better about a breakup,