Lucas kissed her, soft lips meeting hers and she could taste his smile. She sighed in relief against him, pulling him closer, still holding her drink aloft as his stubble softly grazed her cheeks. It was so familiar and yet so different. She could have said she was mad about Lucas all those years ago, completely in love and attracted. But this was different, some desperate hunger was rising up within her, and she couldn’t help but let out little sighs as he pulled her closer, warm, holding her solidly, as if afraid she might run.
‘Wait,’ she breathed, and watched his nervous face as he looked at her.
‘Was that not…? Sorry –’ He started to move away and she grabbed his arm.
‘No! No, just –’ She took his drink and put both of them down on the table, then reached for him again. ‘Come back!’
‘So demanding all of a sudden, very familiar,’ he laughed against her lips, more insistent as he pulled her against him, taking their time, feeling their way into everything. Megan pulled back and kissed his neck, that spot just under his ear that had always driven him crazy. He hissed a little. ‘You remember that?’
She remembered all of it. He dropped his head, licking along her collarbone, and she shuddered. He hadn’t forgotten either. It was the strangest sensation, following the same moves as adults, as if they had even touched the surface of the things it was possible to do in bed when they were together before. It had always been simple, and whilst Megan had always been satisfied, it had been more about being as close to him as she possibly could be, stealing his warmth, feeling his weight on her, feeling safe and loved.
Now she knew that this volcano building up inside her was true desire, and she didn’t know quite what to do with it. His hands on her, even through her clothes, felt hot and overwhelming, and as she curled her legs over his on the sofa, arms around his neck, his hand tracing up her thigh, she felt like it was hard to breathe. She locked her arms tighter, opening her eyes to find him looking back at her, bright blues only inches from her face.
‘Hey beautiful,’ he smiled, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear.
‘Hey you.’ She felt like her face was going to crack from smiling, and yet, bizarrely, wanted to burst into tears at the same time.
‘As much as I love this, and believe me,’ he pecked her lips, ‘I love this,’ he kissed her again, ‘I kind of need to make sure I don’t burn my house down.’
Megan breathed a sigh of relief, pulling her legs up beneath her. ‘Good idea. Fire safety first.’
Stop yammering, idiot. She breathed deeply, clutching her glass of wine like a lifeline.
***
August 2003
‘Are you sure?’ Lucas asked for the fifth time, and she was starting to get irritated. It wasn’t meant to be like this. Weren’t they just meant to fall into bed in a passion, desperate for each other? Instead, they’d had the house to themselves whilst his mum was away in Wales for the weekend with her latest fella, Nigel the security guard. They’d cooked together (sure, it was only pizza, but putting it in the oven was a team effort. Plus they’d avoided garlic bread) and broken into Linda’s drinks cabinet to have a couple of vodka and lemonades to loosen them up. But it still didn’t seem special.
They lay on Lucas’ bed kissing, as they had a hundred times before, with that desire welling up, until she just wanted to be as close as she could, wrapping her legs around him as he rocked against her. But as soon as they’d taken all their clothes off, and lay naked under his blankets, she suddenly felt very foolish. It didn’t help that he kept asking if it was okay every five minutes.
She stared at the ceiling, Alice Cooper staring back at her, along with every other rock star that her boyfriend had blue-tacked to the ceiling. That probably wasn’t helping.
‘I just…I want it to be special for you,’ Lucas kept saying, softly stroking her arm as she rested her head on his chest.
‘I don’t mind,’ Megan said, yet again, wondering if everything was always so awkward, and why they had to talk about things all the time. ‘You know what you’re doing, why don’t you just take the lead, and I’ll tell you if I’m uncomfortable?’
Lucas exhaled. ‘I don’t know what I’m doing!’
‘You’ve had sex before!’
‘Yeah, but never with you!’ he said, like it was obvious.
She rested on her side so she could look at him. ‘What the hell does that mean? I’m so grotesque you’ve got to try harder?’
Lucas closed his eyes, visibly asking for patience, growling a little. ‘No, I love you, you idiot! That makes it different! I’ve never done this with someone I’ve loved before!’
Megan blinked. ‘Oh. I didn’t think that made a difference.’
‘Yeah, well it does,’ he mumbled, grumpy.
She didn’t know why that made her feel better, but she stroked a finger along his chest, slowly moving down beneath the covers. ‘Well, I guess we’ll have to just make it up as we go along then,’ she winked. After that everything seemed a lot easier.
***
‘So…that was a blast from the past,’ Lucas said as they sat at the counter on bar stools, eating their dinner, barely looking at each other.
‘Why do you always have to do that? You can never just not mention something,’ Megan sighed.
‘Well, I thought it was pretty obvious it happened, as we’re both here. You wanna sit here, pretend that didn’t happen, and then go home and be awkward?’
No, I want you to throw the plates on the floor and do me here and now, her mind betrayed her, and she twitched her mouth in irritation.
She stabbed at her salad. ‘I don’t know what happened. And I don’t know what you want me to say. One minute we’re all “I miss you” and the next we’re sticking our tongues down each other’s throats like a couple of –’
‘Teenagers,’ Lucas said pointedly, ‘that’s all we’ve ever known, Angel.’
Megan took a deep breath, and exhaled. ‘I haven’t slept with anyone else. I mean, I haven’t had a relationship, or anything, since having Skye.’
‘You haven’t had sex in eleven years?’ Lucas’ jaw dropped. ‘How? Why?’
‘Because I’m a mother! You think I’m just going to let someone into my life like that? Have my kid see me keep trying to find someone, because our family isn’t enough for me? I won’t do that.’
Lucas paused. ‘Never stopped my mum.’
‘And I knew how much that upset you. And Clare. And I didn’t want that for Skye. I don’t…I don’t do this.’
Lucas reached for her hand, gently stroking the back of it as she put down her fork. ‘It’s just me. ’
‘So we’re meant to just pick up where we left off, is that it?’ She shook her head, exasperated.
‘No, but maybe we could admit that there’s something still here. That whatever issues we had, love wasn’t really the problem.’
She nodded. ‘That’s true.’
‘The problem was your inability to trust anyone else with your shit, lean on