– even though they perform with excellence at whatever they do and have the potential to achieve more. They may choose to stay at the lower end of society’s ladders. They may even decide to ‘downshift’ and back-pedal in their careers. This is because they may not want to take, or continue along, the road to high achievement. They do not need to ‘prove themselves’ through work or positions of power and fame.
Are We Born Confident?
Well, until someone shows me a baby who is not confident, I will remain convinced that we are! Babies show no signs of doubting their rights to get what they want and they will stretch to their limits to get what they want and need. Freud, the great father of psychology, used the phrase ‘His majesty, the baby’. Any of us who has experienced looking after babies knows just what he means!
But, of course, our genes do play some part in how our confidence subsequently develops. Because they affect the ‘architecture’ and biochemical make-up of our brains and bodies, they do play a role in determining our
• dominant personality style whether we are basically an extrovert or introvert for example
• temperament as in whether we are inclined towards being ‘fiery’ or ‘placid’
• predisposition for certain mental health problems whether we are likely to respond to stress with depressive or hypo-manic style illnesses or develop some addictive or compulsive behaviour.
The important point to remember is that none of these pre-determining factors is intrinsically bad for our confidence. It is just the way that they are handled, especially in our early formative years, that can (and very commonly does) cause a problem. I have met many introverted people, as I am sure you must have, who have a happy and successful life being ‘quietly confident’. They have learned to manage their shyness, perhaps by having a career which gives them plenty of opportunity to work successfully on their own and having a satisfying social life with just a few close friends.
| It is how our genetic inheritance is nurtured and managed that will determine our level of confidence. |
Equally, in my years working in psychiatric hospitals I have met many people with psychiatric illnesses, but not a hint of a problem with their confidence.
Even if such people are exceptions rather than the rule, it is important to remember their example.
In contrast, holding on to the belief that lack of confidence is caused by our inheritance is depowering, and also lets all those responsible for knocking our confidence get away with impunity.
People who use lack of confidence as an excuse may say:
| I can’t help it – it’s just the way I am. |
Irresponsible or ‘ignorant’ parents can look at their children with a kind of detached interest and say, for example:
| She must have inherited a stray gene from somewhere because she is so unlike me. She’s always been quiet. I can see she’s got more of her father’s blood than her sister has. He’s a born worrier, so I know exactly how she’s going to turn out. She’s a carbon copy of her mother – her mother always hated making a fuss. |
And at work, bullying bosses can look at their quaking staff and say:
| There’s no point in sending you off for Assertiveness Training. Once a doormat, always a doormat. Get yourselves new jobs. |
YOUR PERSONAL HISTORY
Use this questionnaire to help you identify some of the factors that may have influenced your self-confidence.
Your Mother and Father
Your Position in the Family
Brothers and Sisters
Your Teachers at School