Smell. Light a candle for a few minutes or make some fresh coffee before they come, or open some windows and doors to let some fresh air in—you don’t notice how stuffy a house becomes when you’re in it, but an incomer will.
Fresh flowers. You don’t need to spend money buying a gorgeous bouquet: just some pretty branches or blooms from your garden will do to make the place look fresh and loved. Try to do this regularly even when you don’t have visitors—you deserve it too!
Meter Beaters: Reducing the household bills
Running a family is an expensive business. So expensive, in fact, that many people decide not to have a family at all, because they don’t think they can afford it. This is extremely sad—unless, of course, they are mean, ugly, child-hating bastards who would rather spend their pennies on spa-breaks and a wine cellar, thus making the rest of us jealous.
There are two facts about the average amount of money families in the developed world spend every month of which I am certain: one, it is colossal; and two, it doesn’t need to be.
If you need confirmation of either of these facts and have nothing better to do on a Saturday morning then pop down to your local Big Supermarket and take a look at the trolleys being pushed by puffing, panting, frowning parents towards the extra-large parking spaces reserved for those unsexy, environmentally catastrophic family cars. You will notice that these trolleys are piled far higher than can be deemed even remotely safe or elegant, with plastic bags literally bursting at the seams with stuff. Food, drink, clothing, electrical goods, garden tools, hoover bags, hair accessories, cleaning products, DVDs and nappies all fight for space before being loaded into the aforementioned Family Transportation Vehicles and ultimately consumed by starving and needy family members back at home.
And that’s just the supermarket. It’s a similar story in toyshops, clothing shops, DIY stores and—my personal favourite—interiors shops. Just look at all the stuff people are buying to keep every member of the family happy! It’s shocking, fairly sickening and it makes one wonder just how people survived before they were able to buy themselves into £30,000 worth of credit-card debt. Poor them.
No: poor, stupid us. We have somehow convinced ourselves that not having everything we desire is tantamount to failure and that a family without a newly fitted kitchen, a fridge full of fresh pasta and organic prawns, three holidays a year, enough clothes and toys to fill several large warehouses, a designer sofa, two flat-screen televisions and hot water on demand is a family that is letting things slip.
There are, of course, two schools of thought on running your finances. The first is to say ‘I am going to spend less than I earn, and save the rest for a rainy day, or for a time when I am buying something frivolous and pretty that will make up for the fact that my boobs are getting so saggy.’ This is the school I attend, and it is rather dull and safe, but it means I know there’s something in the bank should I need it. When I get paid less, I spend less. If I hit a particularly cash-rich phase, I spend a little more. Usually on shoes.
The second way of looking after your money is to say ‘You only live once, and what I want I shall have. When I die, somebody else can pay off the debt.’ Credit was invented for people who think this way, and the almost £1 trillion worth of debt in this country seems to indicate that there are quite a lot of them. On the face of it, it’s a wonderful way to live: ‘What the lady wants, the lady shall have’ has always been a dream of mine.
But there are obvious drawbacks. Being in debt is very expensive. Credit-card companies don’t just lend you the money, after all—they want it back with a little sweetener, in the form of interest. That holiday didn’t cost you £1,000, more like £1,200 and a lot of worry. Living beyond your means is risky, and any kind of risk brings with it the biggest wrinkle-producer after a week in Majorca: stress. However much fun people may seem to be having, spending all that non-existent money on designer kids’ clothes and new sofas, they are living under quite a lot of stress, and this can become so bad that families crack under the strain and no amount of Botox can fix the furrows.
Of course families are expensive, but they needn’t be cripplingly so. There are simple ways of reducing the monthly bills that don’t require you to move into a yurt and wear shirts made of old bits of sacking cloth. Try some of these and you should have some pennies left over for treats for all the family. Just not too many, mind…
Go Green. There is a full list of all the Green things your household could, and probably should, be doing on page 403, and most of them not only help to save the planet but can also save your wallet from being permanently empty as well.
Spend cash. Few people carry much, if any, cash any more, but if you want to cut down on family spending then try only paying in cash for a month. You’ll be amazed at the number of things you don’t buy because you haven’t got the dosh to hand, or because handing over all those notes hurts too much, and which you never miss at all.
Compare prices. This applies everywhere, of course (why pay £4.99 for a T-shirt which is only £1.99 down the road if it’s going to get wrecked within a month anyway?), but especially to your utility bills. Oh, it’s so boring and dreary, but if you can be bothered to do a little research you might find you’re spending much more than you need be. And that extra cash means treats for you all, Mrs Economical. Try www.moneysupermarket.com or www.pricerunner.co.uk.
Use leftovers. Leftovers have an element of suspense and surprise that eludes the boring ‘Here’s something I have prepared from start to finish’ dishes: you never know what you will find hiding in there, and with a little imagination you can rustle up something truly unique—and free! Leftovers are also essential for late-night hunger pangs: cold curry, straight out of the box, is to die for at midnight. Put larger quantities of leftovers straight in the freezer, so it doesn’t go off if you forget about it—as you invariably will.
Shop late. Supermarkets are always desperate to get rid of stock that is about to go off, and you can pick up some real bargains in the evenings. As most manufacturers err on the side of super-caution when it comes to best-before dates, even something that is best before today is still pretty damned good most of the time. I sometimes go at this time if I’ve been stuck in the house with kids all day, and just fancy getting out for half an hour. Be warned, though: doing this regularly is bound to lead to some kind of late-night-shopping crush on that gorgeous student who comes in every Thursday to buy more coffee and cheese. Go home, fast.
Check the label. Compare prices per unit as well as actual packet prices: often you are paying more per unit for, say, nappies, than another make, because it’s not clearly marked. They like to catch us out.
Tantric shopping. I do this with most of my purchases over a tenner. If I see something I desperately want (usually because Kate Moss has worn something similar or because InStyle says it’s this season’s ‘must buy’), I’ll look, yearn, and walk away. If it’s still there when I look a second time, maybe a few