She gazed at me knowingly for a long minute. Shaw knew all about my disastrous attempt at seduction with Jet and she always told me that something seemed off about it. Sure, he thought I was all virginal white-gloves and untouched purity, but she was convinced there was more at work than Jet just trying to be chivalrous. She was always encouraging me to let a little bit more of the old me out, so he could see that I wasn’t above whatever lofty pedestal he had decided to place me on.
The last time I did that, he hurt me and made me run away, so I wasn’t too keen on letting the old Ayden out again for him to reject all over again. Frankly, I was terrified of the way he made we want to throw all caution to the wind.
“Well, we both know you can’t maintain a relationship of any kind with a guy you aren’t physically attracted to, and as for Jet, maybe you just need to get him out of your system. Maybe once he’s not the one that got away, you won’t want him so bad. That thing that happened last year between the two of you has always lingered. Maybe you just need to take a full dose of whatever he’s packing, and it will go away. Then you can focus on finding a guy more like Adam to work on building a serious relationship with.”
“I tried that already. He said it was a bad idea, remember?” I couldn’t help the bitterness that colored my tone.
Shaw laced her fingers together and leaned across the table, so that I couldn’t look away from her super-green eyes.
“So make him think it’s a great idea. You really think if you set out to seduce him, he’s going to say no? I heard what you told me happened last time, Ayd. He put up a little tiny protest and you ran away as fast as you could because it reminded you too much of something you might have done in another life. We don’t talk about Kentucky much, but I get the distinct impression that the girl from Woodward wouldn’t have let Jet go that night, the way the girl from Denver did.”
I groaned and dropped my head into my hands to cover my face. “The girl from Woodward wouldn’t have ever given him the impression that she was some good little girl, just trying to play with fire. Who I was before wasn’t pretty, Shaw. I tell you that, but I don’t think you really get the enormity of it.”
She waved a dismissive hand and got to her feet, hefting her heavy book as she went. The thing looked like it weighed more than she did.
“None of that matters. It’s this Ayden that I’m worried about. This Ayden deserves to be happy, regardless of what the future holds, and this Ayden is the one who has to decide why she is settling for milk and cookies when what she really wants is edible body paint and furry handcuffs.”
That startled a laugh out of me and I got to my feet to follow her. “What do you know about edible body paints?” She flicked her long hair over her shoulder, and the black underneath shimmered under the pale blond.
“Tattoo artist boyfriend, remember? He likes to draw.”
We shared a knowing look and parted to go our separate ways to class. I hated that she was right. I could drag things out with Adam forever and still end up nowhere. He was too nice for that, and I was too good of a person now to make him suffer and wait around needlessly for things that I just wasn’t willing to give him. I knew that being with someone like Adam helped me keep all the bad traits from my past at bay. Dating a guy like him didn’t allow for the spontaneity or the reckless decision-making that so often ended up making me suffer harsh consequences. Adam was steady and didn’t offer up much in the way of excitement or passion, and my logical side knew that was what I should want. However, the bigger part of me that operated on instinct and emotion knew he just wasn’t ever going to cut it on the more basic, physical fronts.
I spent my entire next class worrying about it and getting nowhere. Unfortunately, Adam was the teacher’s aide for the I-chem class that was directly across the hall from mine so when I exited the classroom he was waiting for me. I had to try not to flinch when he leaned down to press a light kiss to my unyielding mouth. It shouldn’t be this hard. He was nice enough looking, with brown hair and clear blue eyes. Regrettably, he dressed like he was about to burst into a lecture about cell division or the effects of global warming at any minute. There was just nothing there; no spark, no tingle, no nothing.
He offered to take my books from me but I shook my head no.
I was getting ready to tell him that we needed to cancel Valentine’s Day and that I didn’t think it was a good idea to see each other anymore, when he grabbed my hand and placed a kiss on the back of it.
“I know you were on the fence about spending Valentine’s Day together tomorrow, so I went ahead and made us a reservation for dinner at that Brazilian restaurant you like so much. I really want us to spend the evening together, Ayd. This relationship is very special to me. You are very special to me.”
I gulped down a mixture of bile and guilt, and tried to give him a smile that I knew ended up more like a grimace.
“That’s really sweet, Adam, but like I said, I just don’t know about dinner and the night together. I don’t think I’m in the same place with this relationship that you are.”
I could see that my words hurt him and it made me feel awful, but I knew it was the truth. I couldn’t use him to keep myself from acting in a certain way. Maybe I had really changed or I was just pretending, but either way, he didn’t need to be jerked around while I figured it out. He didn’t need to be mentally rejected while I was busy getting Jet’s pants off in my mind every five minutes.
“I’m sorry, I know that’s not what you wanted to hear.”
He squeezed the hand he was holding and gave me a grin that was sad and sweet. “Well, how about this, we go to dinner and you let me try to charm you? After, you can decide what you want to do. We have to eat, and the reservation was tricky to get on such short notice. I think you’ll be missing out on something really great if you don’t give this thing between us a shot.”
I wanted to groan, but just tugged my hand free and used it to twist the straps on my book bag around. I knew the right thing to do was to walk away, but he looked so bummed out. He had given it his all for the last four months and I was having a hard time just pulling the Band-Aid off clean.
“Look, I have plans to go see a friend’s band tomorrow night. I’ll go to dinner with you but you have to understand that all it’s going to be is dinner. I don’t think my mind is going to be changed. You’re a really nice guy, Adam, but there’s just something missing here, and after four months I know when to pull the plug.”
He laughed and I heard a chord of bitterness. “I know what it means when a girl says I’m a nice guy, Ayd. You don’t have to try to spare my feelings. You’re bored with me. I’ve seen the guys you hang out with when you aren’t working or at school. No one in their right mind would ever call any of them nice guys, especially that one you live with, the guy with the band.”
We had reached the parking lot and my car, so I popped the lock and tossed my stuff inside. I shifted on my feet and tried not to look guilty.
“It doesn’t have anything to do with that. I just know that something isn’t working and I’m not going to draw it out for either one of us. Trust me, Adam, there was a time when I would have just kept dating you until I had wrung you dry, and then walked away without an apology or bothering to look back. I know we both deserve better than that now, so if you want to cancel dinner I totally understand.”
I was secretly hopeful that he would do just that. I didn’t want to sit through an awkward dinner with a guy whom I had just told, in no uncertain terms, that I didn’t find him attractive. But Adam was a gentleman and his good manners just wouldn’t allow it.
“No. I already made the reservation and I would still like to take you. I don’t want to be alone on Valentine’s Day, especially not when I thought things were moving in a much more favorable direction with you.”
Man, he was even being nice