I was actively making an effort to behave in a way I thought good boyfriends were supposed to act. I was being considerate, attentive, deferring to her wishes and not pushing for anything—so generally being a giant pussy—and letting her call all the shots. It wasn’t getting me a damn thing, even in bed. I wanted to be a guy who wouldn’t give her a reason to walk away, who would make her happy so that she didn’t have to battle my mood swings and outbursts of crazy. I was trying, with limited success, to be a guy she wanted to keep around—especially since Davenport was still floating around unhinged, but my new and improved attitude seemed to be achieving the opposite result. I had spent the last two nights tossing and turning because I was used to her soft form curled up next to mine. I was too irritated to just call her and tell her I was over it and coming over anyway because I knew it was what we both wanted.
I tossed my pencil at Rome’s head and indicated he could come in if he wanted. “What’s up?”
He threw the pencil back at me and dropped heavily on the bed. He stuck his long legs out in front of him and crossed his ankles while reclining back on his elbows, making himself right at home.
“Still no word from Shaw?”
I bit back a growl because just thinking about it made me want to hurt things. “She says she has too much homework due tomorrow, so she’s just going to head home after work and do it.”
“Huh.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Nothing just … huh.”
“Shut up, Rome. Your ‘huh’ never means nothing.”
“Well, it’s just odd that she hasn’t been around much the last couple days. Did you have a fight you didn’t tell me about?”
“No.”
“Are you sure?”
I scowled at him. “Yes, I’m sure we didn’t have a fight. Did you just come in here to harass me or did you actually want something?”
“Trying to change the subject?” I called him a nasty name and spun back around in my chair.
“If you’re just going to be annoying I have to finish this back piece I’m working on for a client.”
“I got my medical release today. The doc from Carson called a little while ago. That means I’m going wheels-up at the beginning of next week.”
I spun back around. He was trying to look relaxed but I could see the tension around his mouth and eyes.
“Your shoulder is going to be up to it?”
“That’s what they tell me.”
“How about you? Are you up to going back?”
“I guess I don’t really have a choice. I would feel better leaving if I knew things with you and Shaw were straight and she didn’t have some lunatic stalking her, and that Mom had agreed to get some help, but I guess miracles only happen in the movies.”
I grunted and rubbed my hands over my hair, which seemed to be getting longer by the minute. I was tempted to shave the Mohawk back, but in my head I knew Shaw shouldn’t be with a guy rocking hair like that, so I was keeping it normal and natural, though she told me on a regular basis how much she missed the hawk.
“Shaw and I are fine, so don’t worry about it. As for Mom, well, there’s nothing I can really do to help you with that. Promise me that you’re going to be safe. No more driving over bombs.”
“That wasn’t in the plan the first time. Look, I’m going to tell Mom and Dad. You know they’re going to want to do something since no one knows when I’ll be back or what condition I’m going to be in.”
“Rome, I can’t go through that with Mom again.”
“I’ll tell Dad to set something up at a restaurant or something. I’ll make sure he knows it has to be a family event, which means you will be there and so will Shaw. I’m not asking, little brother, I’m telling you. I’m about to go back to the desert for who knows how long, and I deserve a good family memory to take with me. Everyone can just suck it up for one night. I deserve that.”
“You saw how well it went last time and I wasn’t even provoking her.”
He sighed and pushed to his feet. “Do this for me, Rule, please.”
I didn’t want to, not when things with Shaw were weird and not after my mom had made her feelings about me so clear, but there wasn’t much I would deny my brother, and there was nothing I wouldn’t do for him when he said please. I growled a lot of really dirty words and let my head fall backward.
“Let me know when and where. I’ll tell Shaw, but you can’t get pissed and go back to the war all mad if Mom does what she tends to do and makes it ugly.”
“I don’t understand why we can’t all just be a goddamn family for once. I really don’t feel like that’s too much to ask.”
“You’re right, it’s not and I will do my part. Okay?”
“Thanks, bro, you’re only half as bad as everyone thinks.”
“Shut up.” I laughed and went back to my drawing. “Just so you know, I’m going to miss having your bossy ass around.”
He walked over to me and put me in a headlock. I struggled in vain trying to get loose but he was just too big and easily manhandled me.
“I’m going to miss your smart mouth and shitty attitude as well. Though this hair you have going on is stupid and not at all you, so I won’t miss that one bit.” He finally released me when I got a solid fist into his ribs. He let me go with a grunt and I pushed the nondescript locks off my forehead.
“You’re just worried that when I have normal-looking hair that people will start to realize that I’m much better looking than you.”
He lunged for me again and we wrestled around for a little bit like we used to do when we were kids, only now Rome was a giant with a solid fifty pounds on me, so it wasn’t much of a fight. He left with a promise to call and order something for dinner and it gave me a small measure of satisfaction to notice he was rubbing his ribs on his way out.
I pulled my phone out and stared at the screen. I hated that I was struggling with what I wanted to say to Shaw, that I was worrying over what words to use. I was so used to just saying and doing whatever I wanted, that this controlled and locked-down version of myself was getting old before it even started. I wrote out a quick message:
Rome just got his medical release. He’s going back to the desert on Monday.
I figured since she was working that she wouldn’t respond right away. It wasn’t like we had been engaging in any kind of deep philosophical conversations as of late.
Oh no! Are you okay?
I’d already lost one brother, so the idea that my remaining one had a job that constantly placed him in jeopardy most definitely meant I was not okay, but there wasn’t anything I could do about it. Rome’s sense of duty was part of what made him who he was, and I respected it and him far too much to let my feelings taint any of the fleeting time we spent together.
I’ve been better but he seems okay with it so what else is there to do?
Do you need me to come over after work?
I thought you had homework.
I do, but if you need me it can wait.
I did need her. I wanted to hold her and love all up on her, but not because she was feeling sorry for me, but because she wanted to be with me, too. I glared at the phone and at how complicated things seemed to have turned overnight.