I set my coffee down and looked at her out of narrowed eyes. “You let a guy get all up in your head after one brief encounter? That doesn’t sound like you at all.”
“There was something about this guy, Shaw. I don’t know what it was.”
“Ayden, you’re amazing. I don’t care what your life was like before, because now you’re loyal and kind, you make me laugh, you’re smarter than practically anyone I know, you’re ridiculously beautiful, and we both know that there have been times in the last couple of years when the only thing holding me together was you. I’ve met Jet a few times and he is nice and definitely a babe, but he’s also a rock-and-roll guy who comes with legions of rock-and-roll groupies fawning all over him, so whatever moment you had with him is not worth this mopey self-doubt he seems to have spawned in you.”
“This from the girl who pined over her guy in silence for half a decade?” Her sarcasm was biting, but well deserved.
“Yes, and look how miserable and lonely it made me. All I’m saying is that if a guy can’t appreciate you for how wonderful you are, then he isn’t worth it, and if he doesn’t want to sully your good image, whether it is real or not, then I hate to say it but that just sounds like maybe he wasn’t interested. You are pretty country and he is pretty rock. I mean, I know I’ve been drowning in opposites attract and all that nonsense for my whole life with Rule, but maybe they really don’t and you just weren’t his type. I’ve seen the girls who gravitate to these guys when they go out. Heck, I’ve walked in on Rule with them over and over again, and trust me, big brains, self-confidence, and ambition are not things these women bring to the table.”
She exhaled loudly. “Maybe. It just made me wonder about what I’m doing. I date, I have a pretty good time, I love living with you, and I’m awesome at school, but I feel like something is missing. And when I see your superhot, half-dressed boyfriend covered in tattoos looking all sleepy and satisfied I get a little burn near my heart that hurts. I think I’m lonely and not for something casual and simple. Trust me, I had plenty of that when I was younger.”
I laughed a little and scraped some of the foam off my drink with my finger and popped it in my mouth. I think the table of geeks gasped but I wasn’t sure, because when I looked back up at them they were all frantically typing away on their laptops.
“So you pick a heavy-metal singer to get all mushy and sentimental over? Man, we’ve got marvelous taste in men.”
She laughed with me and leaned back to cross her long legs at the ankle. “I think it’ll probably fade away, but in the meantime I need to figure out how to move forward without totally forgetting who I am. I mean, look at you, you’re not suddenly covered head to toe in ink and sporting a face full of extreme piercings. You took Rule’s make-your-own-rules philosophy and used it to mellow out and take control of your destiny, not turn into a different person.”
She was partly right. I figured it was probably too much information to tell her I had been seriously considering getting my nipples pierced. Rule was always telling me how sensitive they were, how easy it was to get me turned on and all worked up and ready to blow by just playing with them. After having intimate contact on a repeated basis with someone who had piercings through strategic parts of his anatomy, I knew exactly how the little pieces of jewelry could enhance the experience. It had always been Rule for me, so I didn’t know what it was like to be with anyone who didn’t have barbells in his cock and through his tongue, but as good as it was with him, I had no desire to find out how it was with someone unadorned. I didn’t want them for him; I wanted them for me, but I wasn’t sure I was ready to commit to something that big yet.
“He influences me, he always has, but I don’t want to be with someone who wants to be with me just to change me.”
“I know, and neither would I. I think when I left home I had the idea that if I didn’t change, I was just going to be stuck in that endless rut forever, and somehow I lost everything, even the good stuff, about the pre-Denver Ayden.”
I reached out and squeezed the hand she had resting on the table. “Maybe you’re just entering a new phase; maybe this isn’t new Ayden or old Ayden but an excellent new incarnation of both. You’re fine; whoever and whatever you want to be is just fine.”
“I sure hope so. So, have you seen or heard anything from Gabe?”
I shook my head and kicked back in the seat. “No. I’ve seen him on campus coming and going but he keeps his distance. Rule’s retired cop friend says he heard that Judge Davenport wasn’t happy to have his son’s name come up in open court, so maybe he put a leash on him. The guys have been really good about keeping me close, so I don’t think he has the nerve to go up against Rule or Rome. I’m purposely avoiding all contact with my parents, so if he’s trying to enlist them it isn’t doing him any good.”
“So, what’s your long-term plan? Rome has to go back to playing soldier soon, and as much as I’m sure Rule likes keeping you close, eventually it’s gonna get old. The honeymoon phase won’t last forever.”
I was worried about that myself. Right now he seemed to like hanging out at the bar and didn’t seem to mind juggling our hectic schedules back and forth to see each other and to keep his eye on me, but I agreed with her that it couldn’t last much longer.
“I don’t know what to do. If the legal system can’t help and my own parents are working against me, I just don’t know. I wish he would find another girl who is socially acceptable and forget about me.”
“I don’t know, either, but I’m glad you aren’t trying to handle this all on your own.”
“Rule is good for me. I feel like my life is finally my own with him in it.”
“Have you told him that you’re in love with him and have been for eternity?”
I gulped down some of my drink and it went down the wrong tube. I hacked for a second until tears filled my eyes. “No! Are you nuts? Why would I do that? He already knows that I’ve had a crush on him since forever and I think that just weirds him out. I don’t want to put all kinds of pressure on him to feel the same about me. He wants to be together and he’s making a true and honest effort to be in this relationship with me, and for now that’s good enough.”
She clicked her tongue at me and waved a finger back and forth. “If you think you hide the way you feel about him at all, you’re so wrong. The feelings you have for that boy radiate out of you like a bright light. He has to see it every time he looks at you.”
I fiddled nervously with the ends of my hair. “Well, he’s never said anything about it and that’s just fine by me.”
“You are so silly. You’ve been in love with this guy since you were a teenager and now you have him and you’re still worried about being open and honest with him? It just seems to me like you wouldn’t want to waste any more time.”
“This is Rule we’re talking about. He’s unpredictable and doesn’t deal with emotions in a typical way. I don’t want to scare him off by getting too intense, too quickly. I’ve seen what he does to people who push him and it isn’t pretty.”
“For what it’s worth, I think he’s just as sprung on you as you are on him. That glow you have, well he has it, too, just in a darker, slightly more confused way.”
“Well, that’s nice to hear. I don’t know that I believe it, but still, it’s a nice thought.”
We spent another hour and one more coffee each catching up. We talked about school and I told her a little about Margot’s breakdown when Rule went to get my car. We talked about work and how ridiculous Loren seemed to be every