Her sisters are on their way. She is still amazed that Rebecca changed her mind. Amazed and frightened and relieved in equal measure. She rang her sisters seeking closure but how that closure is to be achieved is impossible to tell. Cathy tries not to panic. Has she made the worst mistake of her life–or is this the beginning of healing, the closing of a wound that has festered for far too long? She sinks to a cast-off settee and begins to read.
Chapter Seven
Letters to Nirvana
Meadow Lark
Wicklow 19 August 1985
Dear Mammy,
How are you and Daddy today? We are having a nice holiday in Meadow Lark with the Morans. We call them Auntie Olive and Uncle Steve. They have lots of rooms and no kids, only horses. Uncle Steve taut us to ride a pony called Zorbo. Lauren is afrayd to go on him. When Uncle Steve lift her up she cry and cry. But she wont fall and brake her legs again. A pony is not a car. Auntie Olive brothe her and me to the shops for froks and socks and nickers and jeans and tops and shoes. She wont let Nero sleep on the bed with Becks. No hairs on the dubay or dog pee smell in her posh house. Becks is cross as a bare because Nero has to sleep in a shed and he barks all night. Julie hates it here. She hates living in the sticks and she hates the staybell smells and not being with Paul. Auntie Olive is a teecher. She has big glasses like a owl eyes. She makes me rite lesons and spell proper. I love Zorbo. I will rite more tomorrow.
XXXXXXXXX to you and Daddy
Cathy
Heron Cove
21 August 1985
Dear Mammy,
We are home again and Becks is cross as a bare. The row was bad. Uncle Steve gave out lots to her about Lauren. No one knew I was outside the door. Auntie Olive said its right he worry. She want to mind Lauren in Meadow Lark and help her kope with being a orpan. Becks said no way ho-say. She told Uncle Steve to shove his opinins up his bum and called Auntie Olive a inturfearing old cow. Auntie Olive keep hugging Lauren at the train station and saying poor pet poor pet and Lauren was like a swan with a hangy neck. She wants to live in Meadow Lark and ware nice froks. Becks said we have to call them Mr and Mrs Moran because they are not real family. Mrs Moran was Mammy’s pal when they were little girls but Becks says she is a spy like the woman with the black case. Julie is glad to be home as well. She wants to start the band again but Becks said no way ho-say neybours will talk.
I miss you so much it makes me sick. Tell Daddy I miss him as well as you. I will rite more tomorrow. I love Zorbo.
XXXXXXXXX to you and Daddy
Cathy
26 December 1985
Dear Mammy,
Xmas Day is over. The only thing that made me cry was the Xmas songs at mass and Lauren hating the ballet book I gave her for her present. Kevin gave me sope on a rope and I gave him a Star Wars annual. The Morans called with lots of presents. We have to furgive and furget and they will not take Lauren away only for holidays. I got a pair of jeans. Becks got a really posh food mixer. Julie got a tiket for a rock concert and Lauren got a golden frock with a frill. Gramps gave us money and was drunk. The best the very best present was from Becks. Remember when I told you about finding your hair brush in the dressing table with your hair still in it and how she took it from me because I was doing her head in with crying? She gave me a love heart locket with your hair inside it and photos of you and Daddy. She is the best, the very very best. After dinner we went for a walk. All the waves were white. The wind made my skin sore. We saw the heron. Then we saw Jeremy with Rose More. Rebecca said don’t look don’t look see if I give a hoot and stuck her nose up in the air when we walk past. Julie called him a bad word. I wont write it down. It begins with W. We fed the swans. The heron flew away. Becks cried when we came home. I thought she was mad about Jeremy not hanging around greef but it was about the food mixer. She kept pointing at it and saying my life has come to this, a f…ing food mixer.
My jeans a perfect fit.
Love to you and Daddy
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Cathy
Heron Cove
15 Jan 1986
Dear Mammy,
A year has gone. I keep thinking if I open your coffins I’ll see you laughing like it is a big joke. We had a mass for your annaversorry. Fr Morris said your names out loud and made it reel again. Lauren made a big fuss and ran out of the church. She said she can not run but she can and Mr Moran brote her back in his arms. She is still a zombi but not so much now. Last night she said F…off and mind your bisness when I ask her if you and Daddy said goodbye. She is spoiled rotton and she made you dead. We all went to the balley concert and saw her dancing like a sugar plum fairy. So why did she make you and Daddy go 2 times? Why why why? She is a show off thats why. Becks said I must never never never say that to Lauren or she will cut out my tung. Me and Julie sleep in your room now. Lauren sleep on her own. So do Becks with Nero. It’s nice being in your bed, like I can touch you. Daddy’s gitar is still against the wall. Julie tuned it and we put it back there again. His jacket is in the wardrobe. I can’t smell him, only mothballs and lether, but I rub my hands really hard on the lether and that feels nice. All your books are in the shelfs. There’s so many. The Colour Purple has a book mark in it. My favoritt authors are Judy Blume and Enid Blyton. Julie said a year is gone and Maxeemum Volum must be a band again. She is a brill singer. Paul is brill on drums. They sit on the wall and kiss and kiss. Becks said its not on. Neybours will talk. We all had a birthday since you die. Julie is 15 and Lauren 13 and Becks is 18 and I am 9. Gramps comes for our birthdays. He smells bad like the farm is on his skin and he gives Becks money for bread on the table.
Make him stop crying. It makes me cry to and Beck said we have to move on. I don’t want to move. I like our house. The red dots are gone. I will rite more tomorrow.
XXXXXXXXX to you and Daddy
Cathy
Chapter Eight
Rebecca’s Journal–1986
Thank goodness for spring. There’s green shoots in the ground and the forsythia will soon bud. I thought we’d never get through the year but we did…we did. The mass was nice, the church packed and it’s good to know people remember them. I felt a hypocrite having the mass when I don’t believe in God or any religion that forces us to accept there is a divine plan to anything. But I can’t let on. What’s the sense in saying there’s nothing left except bone and memory when Cathy believes she’s writing to an angel and Julie’s convinced she’ll meet them in heaven?
To lose so much in a year…it’s too much…too much…but it’s nice to stand in the garden and look at the green shoots. They promise so much. Unlike Jeremy, they’ll deliver.
He’s still with Rose Moore. Do I care? No way, José. Julie calls him a ‘wanker’ and Cathy sneaks her hand into mine and squeezes it when his name is mentioned. Their pity unhinges me. Even Lauren came out of her shell for a while after he broke off with me.
Jeremy is not a wanker. He just doesn’t know how to deal with it all. I can’t blame him. I don’t want to sit in every night either, but I’m too tired to go out and, when I do, I’m worried about Julie being in charge, knowing she’s alone with Paul, and Lauren’s locked somewhere deep inside herself and Cathy’s probably crying or writing those letters, and if I get plastered, like my friends, I won’t be able to get up in the morning, and that’ll be the very time Mary Green calls and writes her notes and makes me so nervous I want to sit on my hands to keep them from shaking.
On the positive side, my driving is improving. Lydia’s a good teacher and doesn’t get worried when I can’t engage the clutch and the traffic builds up behind us. She’s going to help me paint the rooms. But not yet…not just yet. Little steps, she says. Everything can be done in little steps. She started art classes after her husband died. She said it started as therapy and