Not that I could make claims to be the norm from which Ralph was deviating. Ralph had no way of knowing that I was emotionally rather catlike in needing frequent small meals of love. He had unwittingly stepped into a game in which he wasn’t really aware of the rules. I texted him after date number six, asking if we were still on for Friday. ‘Yes! Looking forward to catching up with you!’ the reply said. He’d signed it with his full name, including his surname. Who writes their surname on a text? Did he think I’d need to distinguish him from all the other Ralphs I was seeing?
So, date number seven came, and we had our romantic dinner, in candlelight, and talked about work. It was a dull evening – to be honest they had all been dull – but I was determined not to give up. There was the kissing to consider. There was the whole ‘having a boyfriend at last’ thing to consider, too. I’m not by nature a quitter. ‘Look,’ I said, ‘do you think … could we talk a bit more, between dates, so that we’re a bit more in touch with the day-to-day, what’s happening and what we’re thinking? I’d enjoy that.’
‘Sure,’ he said, scrutinising the wine list.
We had weird unsexy sex, and later on, back at home, having soaked in the bath, naked in fresh crisp sheets, I texted him saying that I was warm and naked in bed, just bathed, feeling restless and thinking of him. He didn’t reply. The following night, having turned out my light, I texted that I was thinking of him. That was all I said: ‘Thinking of you.’ The response was: ‘You take care!’ (Seriously. Really.)
It occurred to me that I frightened Ralph. Ralph was scared. It began to look, at the very least, like an unusually short attention span. Whatever the actual diagnosis, I knew it wasn’t going to last even a week longer. I needed romance, of some sort, some sense of a progression, some inkling of a relationship. I needed more than a fuck-buddy who didn’t want a friend. And that’s why I went quiet. I stopped texting and emailing, leaving a vacuum, to see what Ralph would fill it with. Ralph didn’t fill it with anything. It was easy come easy go, and it came and it went. Nothing was put to an end because essentially nothing had begun. He wasn’t in touch again, and that was that. It was as if the whole thing had been a hallucination.
I did start to wonder, at that early point, if a middle-aged woman on a dating site might be considered as really only useful as a fuck-buddy. I did wonder if men assumed I would know that, and that I’d take what I could get. I didn’t get a lot of messages unless I’d written first, and those I did receive tended to be only a notch beyond grunting. ‘How About It Darlin, You and Me? Xxxxxxxx’ There are plenty of men online who think a woman over 45 will react to the offer of a shag in an alley with tears of gratitude.
Men online use kisses, all the time; perhaps they picked up the habit on social media, where women who don’t know each other and will never meet have developed intricate hierarchies of kissing. This is a cultural shift. I’m sure men never used to scatter kisses so freely. Plus, a new function enabling people to send mass mail-outs had been introduced on one of the sites, which some men took to eagerly. It meant that they could write one message and press EMAIL ALL and have it sent to every woman they’d ticked. One such that I received acknowledged that it was a mass communication, as if that wouldn’t put us all off him, at all. ‘Hello ladies, this is Pete, I’m an average guy, like a laugh, like sofa and the telly, like my footie, like to make a lady happy, so let me know if any of you would like to take a chance on a 45 year old man: one careful owner, reasonable bodywork for age, full service history.’ Another had used the mail-out facility to get a lively competitive vibe going. He’d set us all an essay question. He wanted submissions in reply to the following: ‘Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law.’ It wasn’t clear what the prize was.
Other messages were misdelivered. An email arrived from a man in South Wales. ‘Jessica,’ it said, ‘I knew the minute I saw your face that it was meant to be. Do you believe in love at first sight? I’m visited by intuition that I am the man for you. Send me a long message telling me all about yourself, and I’ll reply by tonight, and we can get this thing started.’
‘You’ve sent this to the wrong person,’ I replied. ‘I’m not Jessica. I’m afraid this is the hazard of using cut-and-paste.’
‘You’re the right person,’ he insisted, styling it out. ‘I’m just not very good with names.’
After this I had daily on-screen dating site conversations with a man called Alexander. He was Dutch in origin, six foot four and the kind of blond that takes grey well, and looked good in his photograph, in dark jeans and jacket and a white shirt, with a big brown satchel hooked across his body, and a floral scarf. He was unmistakably not from around here. We met first on a Sunday. Well, we didn’t really meet. All we had to go on were photographs and the usual clues: carefully veiled descriptions of who we are and where we work; our likes and dislikes; our favourite films, books, music, food, places in the world; what we’re looking for and our ideas about the future. We didn’t reveal our real identities or email addresses. We didn’t speak on the phone, or see each other talking on Skype. It was a connection built – and then dismantled – entirely by typing.
After a few days, Alexander wrote a very long message in the middle of the night, listing all the women he’d ever loved and how they’d let him down. Dates were supplied and first names, and vivid descriptions. He was 55, and his second marriage had come to an end in the spring. It failed, he said, because the children were too much; he’d realised he couldn’t handle living with young children. He’d moved out and left his wife to handle them alone, other than for a weekend a month, when he took them to the zoo, like an uncle. He wrote that he was looking for someone who would make him feel more rewarded by life than his wife had. As time went on, that sentence bothered me more and more.
There are men who will take on the role of therapist and draw you out, who’ll draw it all out of you like knotted silk handkerchiefs from a magician’s pocket. This feels wonderful at the time. It’s only afterwards that you might look back and shudder. There are people who get a kick out of owning other people; some people own others by knowing their secrets. Some men want to engage in the dance, and some men only want you to dance, while they watch you. ‘Tell me all about your past relationships and what went wrong,’ he wrote, at the end of his own exhaustive list, and, feeling pent up, feeling the thrill of letting loose and being listened to, I did. Alexander, a man I had known for less than a week, disagreed with my analysis. ‘It’s obvious to me that your ex never loved you,’ he wrote. ‘I’m beginning to see that lots of people end up married to people they don’t love, though it can take them a long time to admit to it. Adultery is often the beginning of a search for something more real, and the sex is just a smokescreen. I realise that’s been my own pattern.’
When I tried to bring the conversation to an end, Alexander became even more assertive. He said he’d taken the red pill. Dating sites are awash with men talking about the blue pill and the red pill. It’s a frame of reference taken from The Matrix: if you’ve ‘taken the blue pill’ you’re someone who doesn’t want to face reality, happy to live in your illusions, while if you’ve ‘taken the red pill’ you see the world as it really is. (You think.) Among those who claim to have ‘taken the red pill’ are men who’ve gone through a bad divorce and know all about women, how we think and why, how men behave and why: it’s all become clear to them. I told Alexander that he didn’t really know me. He disagreed. He’d come across my situation a hundred times. It was the way of things, he said. I had my first serious case of dating site revulsion. Why had I said any of what I’d said to him, and told him my history, this arrogant stranger? Though I didn’t write that. I wrote that it had been nice talking to him, and that I wished