‘Don’t speak to your mother in that tone of voice … ’
Now, Sam’s mother is a twenty-first-century woman, and is quite capable of dealing with Sam. The difference is she is not in it alone. Sam realises that there are two adults here who respect and support each other and who are going to bring him up well. The key feeling is ‘gentle but firm’. It’s as if they are saying to Sam, ‘You are a good kid, but you are not raised yet. We will work on that together to help you become a fine young man.’
Most importantly, Sam’s mother knows that she does not need to ever feel intimidated in her own home. It’s not a physical thing between the father and son, but a kind of moral force. If the father is for real, if he respects his partner and has credibility, then it will work every time, even if some more discussion is needed. The discussion should not be about the dishes, but about how to converse respectfully and safely. (If a mother is raising a boy on her own, things have to take a slightly different tack – this is discussed in the chapter on mothering, ‘Mothers and sons’.)
IS IT ADD OR DDD (DAD DEFICIENCY DISORDER)?
Several years ago, a man called Don came up to me after a lecture, and told me this story. Don was a truck driver and, a year earlier, his son, aged eight, had been diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder. Don read the diagnosis and, for want of better information, decided it meant his son Troy wasn’t getting enough attention. That, surely, was what ‘attention deficit’ meant!
Don set himself the goal of getting more involved with Troy. He had always taken the view that raising children was best left to ‘the missus’ while he worked to pay the bills. Now all of that changed. In the holidays, and after school when possible, Troy rode in the truck with his dad. On weekends, whereas Don had often spent the time away with mates who collected and rode classic motorcycles, Troy now came along too.
‘We had to tone down the language and clean up our act a bit, but the blokes all understood, and some started bringing their kids, too,’ Don told me with a smile.
The good news: Troy calmed down so much in a couple of months that he came off his Ritalin medication – he wasn’t ‘ADD’ any longer. But father and son continue to hang out together – because they enjoy it.
Note: We are not saying here that all instances of Attention Deficit Disorder are really Dad-deficit disorders – but quite a lot are. (For more about ADD, ADHD and boys, see Chapter 10.)
Sadly, many dads don’t get this aspect of their role. I’ve seen dads come in to this conversation and say, ‘Why are you picking on the kid?’ or ‘Why are you making such an issue of it darling?’ or ‘Hey you guys, I can’t hear the TV!’ These dads are undermining their wives. This is a disaster, when a mother is doing the hard stuff, and the father cuts her legs out from under her. These men are in for a terrible time. The gods, and the women, smile on those men who stand alongside them without getting too heavy, and just add their support to the situation.
LETTER FROM A FATHER
Dear Steve,
We have had many challenges with our son, and he with us! I’m pleased to say that things are going well for him. Other parents of boys might like to share some things we have learnt.
The biggest difference between Matt and his sister Sophie was that Matt was very impulsive and had explosive energy. When he was eight, he ran straight out in front of a car without even pausing to look. Luckily the driver had seen Matt’s ball roll onto the road and was already braking hard! The car just missed him. Boys don’t seem to always think before they act.
We really got it wrong with Matt in his early teens. Because his sister had been so easy to negotiate with, we assumed he would be the same. But he just didn’t do his housework, his homework, or keep to agreements about when he would be in. Reasoning wasn’t enough with him – until we realised he was crying out for firm boundaries and enforced consequences. We had been threatening him, sure, but just not carrying out consequences. When we finally did this consistently (feeling pretty mean sometimes), then he improved out of sight. The thing was, he was happier, too. I think some boys just need this.
Something that really helped Matt was the peer support scheme. In Year 6 at primary school he had a nursery child to take care of and protect. This gave him a sense of being important and he came home full of stories about his younger charge – how the little boy learnt, what he got up to. We saw a whole different side to him. Then in Year 7 at high school, he had a Year 11 peer support boy who watched out for him in a bullying situation, so he benefited both ways.
Around this time we learnt that although he was ratty at home, the teachers thought he was great at school! So it was just that he was letting off steam with us. Lots of parents I’ve talked to recognise this ‘school angel-home devil’ situation!
At around fourteen and fifteen we felt Matt was drifting into his own world – rarely talking to us, just eating and disappearing, and giving us no insight into his world of school, his friends and so on. Our only communication seemed to be in telling him off. Luckily we always eat dinner together at the table, and this was the one time we got to talk. We resolved to have more time together – father and son weekends away. My wife decided to get out of the negative cycle and to give compliments to Matt, not just criticisms. He responded quite warmly. I think we had just got caught in a negative pattern. Boys do want to be friends; they don’t want to live in their own world, which is often quite lonely.
We both benefited from a parenting course. The best things we learnt were: use ‘I messages’ (like ‘I was scared when you didn’t come home at the agreed time. I need you to make agreements you can keep.’) instead of ‘You are unreliable and useless! You had better come home or else!’; also, how to listen to kids’ problems, so they can talk them over, instead of jumping in with advice.
We are a lot happier now, and Matt is a sociable and pleasant young man, instead of a surly boy. It’s important never to give up with your kids. Keep learning and getting help if you are stuck. You can always improve things if you try. Kids really need you to keep communicating with them.
You don’t have to have all the answers
When I was a young man, I studied martial arts in my spare time. I was pretty bad at it, but I liked the idea of being able to defend myself and others. Perhaps I would get a chance to rescue a beautiful maiden. The one time I got mugged though, the mugger didn’t use any of the attacks I had learnt to defend. I remember thinking, ‘Damn, I wish he would attack me the way I was taught! (Luckily the mugger had terrible timing, and some police actually came round the corner and arrested him in the act.)
Being a father is rather like this. We men think we have to be completely prepared; or worse, we think that if we don’t know what to do, there’s something wrong with us. But parenthood is all about stuffing up. That’s how you learn. Kids keep changing, each kid is different, and it’s only by stuffing up that you get it right. The trick is to keep wide awake and see what works, and change if it doesn’t.
As our kids reach new ages and create new challenges, we inevitably lose the plot at times. Can they stay at their new friend’s place overnight?, Is that film suitable for them to watch?, What is a fair consequence for this misbehaviour? … Sometimes it’s a difficult call.
What to do? If you don’t