‘It’s been a long time,’ he said, sipping his coffee too quickly and scalding his top lip. It seemed such a formal thing to say. Language was useless, a distraction.
‘Three months,’ she smiled. She considered adding ‘And eight days’ but thought that might sound creepy.
‘You know what I mean.’
A silence passed, but they were both happy to let it stand.
‘Are you hungry?’ he asked.
‘Actually, I ate already.’
He nodded.
Then she said impulsively, like a confession, ‘I had a burger.’
Robert laughed. She loved that she had made him laugh. ‘Did they offer you a job?’
It was too close. He knew it as soon as he’d said it. Her past waiting tables was too bound up in the pain and the guilt, in her walking out on him. Too near to her brother’s death.
‘Pleased you haven’t lost your appetite, anyway,’ he said, smoothing it over.
‘Thanks!’ She pretended to take offence, relieved he didn’t consider her to be on some Hollywood starvation campaign: she didn’t want to have changed.
There was another silence before he asked, ‘Where’d you go?’ It sounded loaded.
If she noticed, she didn’t let on. ‘I can’t remember. Theo’s Diner, maybe, I think.’
‘There’s better.’
‘There is?’
‘You should’ve asked me first.’ He grinned, wondering where the line was between friendly banter and flirtation. Why was he treading it anyway?
He sipped his coffee again. It was cooler.
‘Lana, tell me why you’re here.’ He said it gently.
She put down her drink. It was a long time before she spoke, trying to put into words the terrible mess she’d made without making him think ill of her.
‘I didn’t know who else to come to,’ she began, rubbing the back of one hand with the fingers of the other. ‘My life is …’ She cleared her head, started again. ‘Sometimes it’s hard to trust people. When something happens, something bad, you need a friend. Right?’
They looked at each other.
‘But these days, with my marriage and everything, it’s not always possible.’ Lana pushed back her hair and gave a nervous laugh. ‘I’m not explaining myself very well, am I?’
‘Go on,’ he said patiently.
She took a deep breath. ‘The thing is, Robbie—Sorry, I mean—’
‘Don’t,’ he said. ‘You don’t have to.’
‘The thing is that I’m … I’ve got myself into trouble.’ She breathed out and closed her eyes. ‘And it’s wildly inappropriate to come to you, don’t think I don’t know that. It’s just …’
Her voice dropped and he could tell she was holding back tears. With a sick feeling he knew what was coming next.
‘I’m pregnant,’ she said simply, finally looking at him. ‘Nearly nine weeks. And the baby’s not Cole’s.’
Words didn’t come. Robert was stunned. All he could think was, stupidly, selfishly, Lana’s having a baby and it’s not mine. He stared back at her, dumb.
‘I’m frightened,’ she went on. ‘I need to be able to trust somebody. It’s not your problem, you’re probably the worst person I could ask, and I’m sorry for that, I’m sorry for—’
Robert held up a hand. ‘Stop apologising,’ he said. ‘Don’t apologise again.’ It was all he could say. This was too much to take in.
‘I was foolish, I got carried away–it was my fault. You see, the marriage with Cole isn’t normal. He doesn’t have normal …’ She shook her hands out, uncomfortable with the explanation. ‘Desires.’ She picked up her coffee, thought about it then put it down again. ‘It’s going to sound crazy, because it is crazy, but the marriage is …’ Lana steadied herself. ‘Robert, it’s for business. Do you understand? We’re not in love.’ It felt necessary to clarify it. ‘I don’t love him and he doesn’t love me.’
Her words were like sunlight breaking through clouds. It was madness: she’d just told him she was pregnant by another man, but still his heart rejoiced.
‘I’m frightened,’ she said again. ‘For me and the baby. I’m frightened of Cole.’
Robert let out a long breath. It felt like he’d been holding it for years. Instinctively, like it was the most natural thing in the world, he moved closer and put an arm around her. Her hair smelled of lemons. ‘Don’t be frightened,’ he said quietly. ‘You’ve nothing to be frightened of.’
‘I’ve got myself into such an awful mess. I’m a disaster.’
‘You’re not. You’re never a disaster. Come here.’
She put her forehead against his. It was nothing sexual, just the right thing to do. After a moment he moved away, embarrassed.
‘Cole will find out,’ Lana said, searching his eyes. ‘And when he does, he’ll …’ She glanced away, naked with fear. ‘I don’t know what he’ll do.’
‘Do you know who the father is?’ Robert asked.
Lana was offended. ‘Of course. There’s only been one person.’
Robert nodded stiffly. ‘Do you care for him?’
‘I don’t love him.’
‘Have you told him about the pregnancy?’
She shook her head. ‘Not yet.’
‘You have to.’
‘I know.’
He reached for her hand, held it in his, like he had when they were young. ‘Do you want to keep this baby?’
She didn’t have to think about it at all. She nodded.
A long beat. ‘OK.’ He squeezed her hand. ‘You did the right thing coming to me. I’ll always help you, whatever it is, wherever I am. I’m glad you knew that.’
‘I didn’t know …’ She paused, her heart pounding. ‘After what happened—’
‘Don’t.’ He put a finger to her lips. ‘All that’s gone, it’s over.’
She shook her head. ‘How can it be? How can something like that ever be over?’
‘By letting it go.’ Robert’s voice was fierce. ‘We’ve paid our dues, Lana–we did what we had to and then we moved on.’ He couldn’t look at her. ‘There was no other choice. We both had to survive.’
‘It was my choice, though, wasn’t it? I forced us to do what we did—’
‘Stop.’ He stood up, paced to the window and looked out. ‘I put us in that position, remember? Don’t you ever dare forget it.’
‘I won’t assign blame.’
‘Then stop blaming yourself.’ He turned round, eyes blazing. ‘Your brother’s dead, Lana. Dead. It was ten years ago. He’s gone, he’s not coming back. We’ve served our punishment.’ He indicated the space between them. ‘Can’t you see that?’
She forced back tears. ‘I wish I couldn’t. I’m sorry, Robbie.’
He held up a hand.
‘No, let me finish. I’m sorry for everything you were pulled into, for my short-sighted,