“This will be the last load,” my mom said and handed James a box to put in the van. Then she enveloped me in a hug. “How’s that new job going?”
“So far so good,” I said. “I didn’t think I’d like it as much as I do.”
“That’s great,” James said, emerging from the back of the moving van. “I did construction for ten years. It’s better than fast food or sitting behind a desk.” He was a few inches shorter than my mom, with graying salt-and-pepper hair sprinkled above his temples. Physically, James wasn’t my mom’s usual type, but I think his personality made up for that.
I nodded.
“OK, I need you two to be very careful with my china cabinet,” my mom said. “It was my mother’s, and—”
“We’ve got this,” James said, smiling over at me. “Don’t you worry.”
We followed my mom inside. She stayed close behind us every step of the way as we carried the massive china cabinet out the front door. Her face was as white as a sheet; she was worried we were going to drop it and shatter the glass doors along the top. We got it into the van and covered it with two thick blankets for extra cushioning. I stepped down from the ramp to see my mom staring out at the road. Her face was still white, but this time it seemed like she had seen a ghost. It took me a second longer than it should to turn around to see what she was looking at.
Bray stood at the end of the driveway, looking back at me.
Elias
My heart thumped so violently I felt light-headed for a moment. I think I gasped, but I couldn’t be sure. I was too paralyzed to move or breathe, much less get my brain in working order again.
For the longest time Bray and I just stared across the driveway at each other. My first instinct was to walk straight over to her, lift her into my arms, and kiss her like I had never kissed anyone before, but I stopped a half a second before I acted upon it.
I had to play this cool. I had no idea what she was doing here after four years. Four fucking years! She could’ve been there just to see how I was doing after so long and to update me on her life, tell me that she was married and had a kid. I almost broke down. Right there in front of her and my mom and James. But I held my own, swallowed hard as emotion thickened my throat, and let out the breath I had been holding for the past few minutes.
“Bray?” I took a few steps forward.
Her smile was faint and shaky at first, but when I walked toward her those few steps her smile started to brighten.
“Hey,” she said softly.
Her hands were folded loosely down in front of her like a delicate little basket near her belly. Her long, dark hair, soft as it always was, draped both shoulders and was tucked behind her ears. She looked exactly the way I had always remembered her: soft and fragile and beautiful, with the biggest blue eyes and the prettiest smile I had ever seen. I swear her eyes twinkled like they do in the cartoons whenever she’d smile. And I always found it funny that she looked so damn innocent, but whenever she opened that mouth of hers she would blow that innocent façade right out of the water.
But not on this day. She definitely wasn’t herself. It was like she wasn’t sure yet if she could be. Or if she wanted to be.
I looked back at the moving van and then at my mom.
“Honey, you go ahead,” my mom said, waving me on. “James and I can move the rest.”
Other than Mitchell and, even less so, Aline, my mom was the only other person who knew my history with Brayelle Bates. She knew how much I loved her, and over the past four years, she’d tried on several occasions to convince me to reach out to Bray, tell her how I felt.
Having an idea about the situation, James added, “No worries, Elias. I can move this stuff. You go do what you’ve gotta do.” His smile was kind of goofy.
Bray stepped up then. “How about we all help?” she said to James and smiled at me.
Take it slow. Feel each other out first. See what our boundaries are, if there are any. It was the method Bray and I both used that day, without actually coming out and saying it.
We spent the next couple of hours helping my mom and James unload the van. After all of the heavy stuff was moved into the house, Bray and I left together in my gray Dodge Charger. We didn’t talk much while moving boxes or even when we were finally alone in the car. We were both nervous, both worried about the same things: Is she single? Does she have a family? Is this our last and final good-bye?
I drove her to my apartment. Mitchell was as shocked as I was when he saw her. “Holy shit,” he said when we walked through the front door. “Brayelle Bates. What are you doing here?”
“Hi, Mitch,” she said and strolled over to give him a hug. “It’s good to see you.”
“You too, girl.” He took a step back and looked her over, bringing one hand up to push his bangs away from his face. “Still smokin’ hot, I see. You haven’t answered my question.”
“Mitch,” I said dropping my keys on the coffee table, “do you mind going out for a while and—”
“Say no more.” Mitchell put up both hands. “Privacy. I understand. I’m outta here in five seconds.”
When he finally left, the silence that fell over the room between Bray and me was like the calm before the storm.
“Sit down,” I encouraged her, taking her by the elbow and leading her to the oversized chair. She wore a pair of tight jean shorts and a white cotton top. A thin silver chain with a pink pendant hung from her neck. A mess of tan, black, and green hemp bracelets, some with beads, and others with intricate braided designs, were wrapped around both wrists.
I sat down on the ottoman, facing her, my hands folded together and hanging between my knees.
She broke my heart when she started to cry.
I could tell she was trying really hard to contain the tears in those final few seconds as I looked at her. But she couldn’t. She buried her face in the palms of her hands and cried so hard, all I could do was reach out and grab her, try to pull her onto my lap. But she pushed my arms away gently.
“No, Elias, listen to me first before you give in to my shit this time. Please!” Tears choked her voice.
I was crying on the inside, my chest a twisted knot holding down a full-blown tear-fest with all the strength I could muster. I placed my hands on her bare knees instead.
“Why are you crying?” I reached up with one hand and tucked her hair back behind her ear. This was fucking killing me, to see her like this.
Sobs shuddered through her body, as if hearing my voice just made her cry worse. And for a moment I saw sitting in front of me that little girl I had met in the pasture that night.
“Bray, I’m here. You know that. I’ll always be here for you.”
I was beginning to lose hope, thinking maybe she just needed me for a shoulder to cry on. Maybe she’d just had a bad breakup with some guy and needed me to talk to about it. I hoped I was wrong.
Finally her sobs eased enough that she could look me in the eyes and she said, “I-I just wanted to say that… I’ve loved you all my life. I know I screwed up, Elias. I made the worst mistake of my life