Many times she had promised herself she could do it, but seventeen years had come and gone, and now she felt more lonely than she could ever have imagined.
Yet in a strange kind of way, she felt safe in her solitude, because if she kept herself to herself, she could never be hurt again. Not like before.
‘Who’s that?’ Curious at the sound of laughter from the street outside, she went across the room and peered out, hiding herself behind the curtain. A group of young people came jostling down the pavement, laughing and joking, full of life. She counted six of them; three boys and three girls. They were the students who lived next door. She had seen some of them come and go before.
Her attention was drawn to one particular young woman dressed in skin-tight jeans and a Levi’s denim jacket. Elfin-like, with a cap of fair hair, she had an appealing smile, and when she laughed, it seemed to come from the heart.
Shifting the curtain to get a clearer look at this happy young thing, Maddy was shocked when suddenly, one of the boys said something and they all looked up. The fair-haired girl smiled right at her.
In the blink of an eye, something passed between the two of them; and Maddy felt a strong sense of kinship with her.
Maddy immediately dropped the curtain and backed away as the friends ran up the steps to the shabby student house next door.
The fair-haired girl was the last to go in. Lingering on the step she turned her head to glance back up at Maddy again, but seeing how the timid woman had disappeared, she went skipping up the step to join her pals, unaware of the trauma she had caused.
That was me once upon a time, Maddy mused. Young and pretty, full of confidence – with loyal friends and a song in my heart. She paused to remember. Oh, but we had such good times then, sharing our hopes for the future, our impossible dreams. She gave a half-smile, which lit up her sad face. Not a day went by when we didn’t laugh out loud.
But those days and those people were long gone now. Her heart thickened with nostalgia as she thought, I don’t suppose I will ever see any of them again.’
When she had started performing at the Soho cabaret club, all those years ago, she had fallen deeply in love with its owner, and her friends had drifted away, but not Alice. Alice was special –always there, always watching over her, like the mother Maddy had lost in her teens. How terrible, then, that on that fateful night, darling Alice had paid the ultimate price for befriending her.
‘May God forgive me,’ Maddy murmured aloud, the tears threatening to fall. ‘Why couldn’t I see his badness? How could I have been so blind!’
But it was poor Alice who haunted her waking hours and tortured her sleep. Alice … ‘Dear Alice.’ Her heart hardened. ‘So many times you tried to warn me,’ Maddy told the empty room, ‘and I never listened.’ A deep shivering sigh marbled her words. ‘I know you forgave me, but as long as I live, I can never forgive myself.’
Closing her eyes, she thought of the lovers she had known before she met Steve – good and honest young men who had cherished her and wanted the best for her. And then she had become infatuated with that cruel, merciless man, who had used her and abused her for his own ends.
If it hadn’t been for him, she might have found fame and fortune, travelled the world and made a decent life for herself. And through it all, Alice would have been right beside her.
That man had taken her confidence and her hopes, and left her in a dark place where there was no laughter, no love. She had fought him – and lost. Now, there was no fight left in her.
Like a wounded animal, she hid away, licking her wounds, afraid of the future and what it might bring.
Weary to her soul, Maddy went to the dresser and picked up the tiny mirror there, shocked by the image that looked back at her. Her long dark hair was carelessly scraped back with a rubber band. Her face was pale and dog-tired, and void of make-up: no lipstick to shape and warm the generous lips; no shadow to accentuate her once-sparkling dark eyes. ‘I look like an old woman,’ she sighed. ‘I never realised there was so much grey in my hair.’
Desolate, she returned to sit in the chair. Through the bedroom wall, she could hear the low murmurings of conversation from next door. Maddy didn’t mind the noise, or the occasional bursts of loud music. It was comforting to know that outside these walls, life still went on – for others if not for her.
She wondered about that pretty young girl and her friendly smile. Did she have a devoted family – a lover? A plan of sorts for the future? Maddy hoped so.
Most of all, she hoped that the young woman would be wise enough to avoid making the same mistakes that she herself had made …
CHAPTER TWO
UNAWARE THAT THEIR next-door neighbour had been so affected by their arrival, the students settled down to enjoy their supper, bought from the chippie on the corner. Dave Wright, who was studying Physics, called their attention to the new member of staff at the college. ‘Hey, that new Maths lecturer is a bit of all right! Do you agree, lads?’ With an appreciative eye for the women, Dave was a real Jack the Lad. ‘Wouldn’t mind a bit of private tuition from her.’ He gave a long, exaggerated sigh.
‘Behave yourself!’ Betsy was the elfin-like creature with a soft heart and big smile. Thrusting his bag of saveloy, chips and two pickled onions into his hands, she asked, ‘What on earth would Poppy say if she heard you talking like that?’ Poppy was a Geography student at the college; she was also Dave’s current girlfriend.
Taking a large bite out of his saveloy, Dave threw himself into the nearest armchair and mumbled, ‘What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.’
‘Honestly, Dave, I don’t know why you say those things, because you know you would never cheat on her.’
Dave nodded and grinned. ‘You’re right. By the way, have you got any tomato ketchup?’
‘You’re a prat, sticking to one woman. Play the field, that’s what I say.’ Hard-headed and self-opinionated, Darren Brown was a frequent visitor to the house. With his selfish manner and constant bickering, however, he was not always wholeheartedly welcomed.
‘Treat ’em mean and keep ’em keen,’ he went on, stabbing at the batter on his cod. ‘There’s hundreds of ’em out there, all gagging for it.’ Good-looking and proud of it, Darren was never short of female company.
Used as she was to his callous remarks, Betsy now took stock of him. ‘And what about Ruth?’ she asked. ‘I thought you said you two might get married after college? That’s what she thinks, anyway.’
Darren waved a chip in the air in a dismissive gesture. ‘They were just words … they meant nothing. Ruth is a passing fancy, that’s all.’
‘You don’t deserve to have a decent girlfriend,’ she told him bluntly. ‘If Ruth knew what you were really like, she’d run a mile.’
All the same, Betsy could see how the girls might be drawn to Darren. Tall, with well-honed muscles and wild dark hair, he had an easy way with him, and when he turned those broody brown eyes on the girls, they simply fell at his feet. ‘One of these days you’ll come unstuck,’ she warned him. ‘I can see it coming a mile off.’
He shrugged. ‘Sounds to me like you’re jealous.’
At this, she burst out laughing. ‘Huh! You should be so lucky.’
‘Never mind the new Maths lecturer – you can give me tuition any time you like, Daz.’ That was Abigail the dreamer, whose room they were in. Scatter-brained and vulnerable, she could see no harm in him.
‘Sorry, sweetheart, you’re not my type.’ Sharp and to the point, he did not mince his words.
‘So, who is your type?’ That was Judith; hard-nosed and