Nearly a decade ago, when it became clear to me that being a parent of teenagers was nothing like taking care of overgrown children, I said, Okay, let’s work on it together. I stayed in my sons’ faces. I remember one time, when Andrew was still a sophomore in high school, the inevitable point arrived when exams were just around the corner and he was still paying more attention to sports and parties than books and homework. Because I’m a scientist, I know learning is cumulative—everything new is based on something you just learned, so you have to hang in there, you have to stay on top of it. So I got a pad of paper and I went through each chapter of Andrew’s textbooks, and on one side of the paper I picked out a problem for him to solve and on the other side, folded, was the answer. All he needed was a model, a template, a structure. It was a turning point for him and me. He realized he actually had to do the work—sit down and do it—in order to learn. He also realized working on his bed, with everything spread out around him, wasn’t helping. He needed more structure, so he sat himself at his desk, with a pencil sharpener and a piece of paper in front of him, and he learned how to impose order on himself. He needed the external cues. I could plan and he couldn’t at that point. Having a structured environment helped him learn, and eventually he got really good at it, sitting in his chair at his desk for hours. I know because I’d check in on him. I also knew this was a good example of place-dependent learning. Scientists have shown that the best way to remember what you’ve learned is to return to the place where you learned it. For Andrew, that was his desk in his bedroom. As I will explain later, teenagers are “jacked up” on learning—their brains are primed for knowledge—so where and how they learn is important, and setting up a place where homework is done is something any parent can help teens do. And because homework is one of the main things kids do at home, you can stay involved with your teenagers even if you don’t happen to have an MD or PhD in the subject or subjects they’ve neglected for months. You can offer to proofread assignments, spell-check their essays, or simply make sure they are sitting in a comfortable desk chair. While you might not have the right hair guy to get red streaks, the point is that you can at least spring for a home hair dye when they want to transform themselves on the outside. Let them experiment with these more harmless things rather than have them rebel and get into much more serious trouble. Try not to focus on winning the battles when you should be winning the war—the endgame is to help get them through the necessary experimentation that they instinctively need without any longterm adverse effects. The teen years are a great time to test where a kid’s strengths are, and to even out weaknesses that need attention.
What you don’t want to do is ridicule, or be judgmental or disapproving or dismissive. Instead, you have to get inside your kid’s head. Kids all have something they’re struggling with that you can try to help. They can be all over the place: forgetting to bring their books home, crumpling important notes in the bottom of their backpacks, misconstruing homework assignments. Sometimes—or most of the time—they are just not organized, not paying attention to the details of what’s going on around them, and so expecting them to figure out how to do their homework can actually be expecting too much. Your teenagers won’t always accept your advice, but you can’t give it unless you’re there, unless you’re trying to understand how they’re learning. Know that they are just as puzzled by their unpredictable behavior and the uneven tool kit they call their brain. They just aren’t at a point where they will tell you this. Pride and image are big for teens, and they are not able to look into themselves and be self-critical.
That’s what this book is all about—knowing where their limits are and what you can do to support them. So that you won’t get angry or confused at your teens or simply throw your hands up in surrender, I want to help you understand what makes them so infuriating. Much of what is in this book will surprise you—surprise you because you probably thought teenagers’ recalcitrant behavior was something they could, or at least should, be able to control; that their insensitivity or anger or distracted attitude was entirely conscious; and that their refusal to hear what you suggest or request or demand they do was entirely willful. Again, none of these things are true.
The journey I will take you on in this book will actually shock you at times, but by the end of the journey I promise you will gain insight into what makes your teens tick because you’ll have a much better understanding of how their brains work. I make an effort in this book to reveal, wherever possible, the real data from real science journal articles. There is much data out there that has not been “translated” for the public. Even more important, the teen generation is one that holds information in great esteem. So when you talk to teens, you owe it to them to have actual data. I inserted as many figures into this book as I could where the actual science is shown, and I point out where it applies to our knowledge of the strengths and weaknesses of being a teen. There are lots of myths about teenagers out there that need to be debunked: this book is an attempt to chip away at those myths and explore the new science that is available to inform us.
For this book to be truly effective, however, you must remember a simple rule: First, count to ten. It became a kind of mantra for me when I was raising my sons. But it means more than just taking a deep breath. Let me explain. In leadership courses I’ve taken for my professional career, one theme that is always emphasized is the Boy Scouts’ motto, “Be prepared.” I learned in these seminars that the average time an American businessperson spends preparing for a meeting is about two minutes. We probably spend more time just scheduling those meetings than actually thinking about what we’re going to say or do in them. I don’t mean the big presentations. I mean the one-on-one encounters, which we too often step into cavalierly without taking much time for reflection beforehand. When I heard this statistic, initially it shocked me, but then I thought about my own professional world, where I am the head of a large university neurology department and have my own lab with many graduate and postgraduate students, and I realized, Yep, that’s pretty much what does happen. Not a lot of time is devoted to planning or “rehearsing” for all those one-on-one encounters with colleagues and staff, and yet it’s these more personal, more direct interactions that often play a pivotal role in the success of an organization. Similarly, the impression you give others in these encounters can affect the direction your career takes; this is why it’s so important to plan ahead, at least for more than just a few minutes, and think about how the other person will react during one of these meetings. In your mind, go through what you want to say, step by step, and imagine the range of responses. Now imagine that the other person is your teenage son or daughter. Being prepared for both positive and negative responses will help guide you as you consider your options about what to say or do next. If you appear hotheaded or mentally disorganized, you lose credibility, whether it’s with a colleague, an employee, or your teenager.
For parents or teachers, or anyone who has a caring relationship with a teenager, reading this book will arm you with facts—and with fortitude. Changing the behavior of your teen is partly up to you, so you have to come up with a plan of action and a style of action that fits your household and your kids, as well as your needs and wants. Remember, you are the adult, and if your child is under eighteen, you also are legally responsible for that “child.” Certainly the courts will hold you accountable for your child and, by extension, for the environment you provide for him or her. So take the lead, take control, and try to think for your teenage sons and daughters until their own brains are ready to take over the job. The most important part of the human brain—the place where actions are weighed, situations judged, and decisions made—is right behind the forehead, in the frontal lobes. This is the last part of the brain to develop, and that is why you need to be your teens’ frontal lobes until their brains are fully wired and hooked up and ready to go on their own.
But the most important advice I want to give you is to stay involved. As the mother of two sons I adore, I couldn’t physically maneuver them into doing what I wanted them to do when they were teenagers, not in the way I could when they were small children. Eventually they were simply too big to just pick up and put down where I wanted them to be. We lose physical control as children leave childhood. Our best tool as they enter and move through their adolescent years is our ability to advise and explain, and also to be good role models. If there’s anything I’ve learned with my boys, it’s that no matter how distracted or disorganized they seemed to be, no matter how many assignments they forgot