The emotional arousal from a momentous epiphany is like a hit of a powerful drug, and it is because pleasurable neuromodulators are activated. A new path is created in the mind, and each step forward in that better direction provides a little rush of positive reinforcement that whispers, This is right.
At a simple level, how these neuromodulators work for ongoing motivation can be described via operant conditioning, as outlined by psychologist B. F. Skinner early in the twentieth century. It’s stimulus-response; the epiphany is such a positive experience that every additional step taken (the stimulus) that stays true to the vision allows the recipient of the vision to continue to feel that sense of rightness from its pursuit (the response). More details are in chapter 4, but it’s this neurochemical boost that makes you take the next step, and the next one.
The quest comes to rule the synapses.
Self-Compassion vs. Self-Loathing
If you hate your body, you’ll be less inspired to change it. Because passion for health rarely comes from a place of self-loathing. Same goes for hating your life.
There are those who lose weight because they were filled with disgust over their bodies. It can work for some, but research indicates shaming and self-loathing over obesity leads to comfort eating and immobility far more often than generating action.
In a 2013 study, researchers at Florida State University assert that not only does stigmatizing obesity lead to poorer mental-health outcomes, but the authors state, “Rather than motivating individuals to lose weight, weight discrimination increases risk for obesity.”
And a 2003 study by University of Texas at Austin psychology professor Kristin Neff revealed the importance of self-compassion in boosting one’s psychological function. It “involves being touched by and open to one’s own suffering, not avoiding or disconnecting from it, generating the desire to alleviate one’s suffering and to heal oneself with kindness.”
It contrasts with efforts to boost self-esteem, which have come under criticism. Self-esteem often means judgments and comparisons, evaluating personal performances in comparison to a set of standards, as well as examining how others view you. And while low self-esteem can have negative psychological outcomes, boosting it is not a panacea for the psyche. The first issue is that it’s hard to raise, and the second is that targeting self-esteem can lead to self-absorption and even narcissism.
Part of the benefit of focusing on self-compassion is that it’s not just about you. It “represents a balanced integration between concern with oneself and concern with others, a state that researchers are increasingly recognizing as essential to optimal psychological functioning,” Professor Neff wrote. Winning at life need not involve competition. You may have a sudden insight that the best thing for your future is to dedicate yourself to helping others. Look at Chuck. He wasn’t thinking about looking in a mirror or strutting on a beach. He wanted to be a good dad.
We will examine self-compassion meditation techniques in chapter 9.
The body is often a source of one’s self-loathing, so I’ll share the words of Taryn Brumfitt, a body-acceptance advocate and director of the documentary film Embrace. She told me of the need to not descend into negativity: “I have never met a single human being that has made lifelong, meaningful change that came from shame or guilt.” Conversely, she has seen much positive change resulting from self-care, self-love, and self-respect. “I’m asking people to embrace their positive qualities.”
I gained a lot of weight in my early 20s and I hated myself, but the harder I tried, the less possible it seemed to lose weight. Finally gave up in my 40s. But then something clicked. I decided I needed to be kinder to myself, love the body I had, and love what it could do. Before I knew it, I had the confidence to get a trainer…. I feel the best I’ve felt and looked in years!
—Victoria
I bring this up because all this talk of unstoppable desire to succeed and motivation and willpower can send the wrong message.
Sticking to weight loss as the example, we live in an environment that manufactures body fat. With over two-thirds of Americans being classified as having excess weight or obesity, and the fact it happened in a few decades, it’s clear there has been a major societal shift contributing to it.
Obesity is not a personal failing. It’s not a choice people make. It’s not something to be ashamed of. Just because this book is about exploring the mystery of generating a massive leap in motivation does not mean those who don’t experience it are somehow lesser.
Losing weight or changing your life in other ways is complex. That’s because human motivation is equally complicated. A big problem with the weight-loss industry is a lot of the strategies are built on suffering, which are not effective for the long term. People feel the failure is their own rather than due to a corrupt industry that failed them.
I spent years unhappy with my weight…. I would hide food and opt out of gym whenever possible because I had been told so many times at that point that my body was flawed, I didn’t believe it was capable of anything…. In my late 20s, joining the body-positivity movement helped me see value and worth in my body and what it’s capable of … and I will be completing my 4th half marathon next month. —Amanda
You may have an epiphany that you’re done with worrying about your weight and decide to focus your energies on things more important to you, and I am 100 percent cool with that. It’s your life; you have the power to choose your own road.
If you’re guilty of beating yourself up, it’s time to ditch the self-loathing and accept yourself for your faults and your capabilities. Use your newfound self-respect as part of the process to energize your desire to find the best way forward for you.
Accept your humanity and that all humans are flawed. Being a perfectionist gets in the way of self-compassion. There will be detailed steps later, but for now, endeavor to ditch shame and guilt, and, in so doing, try to better understand yourself. Take some time to analyze what makes you unique. What are your strengths? Where do your capabilities lie? What could you accomplish if you were truly determined? Why would you be able to accomplish these goals? What is it that you bring to the equation that makes these goals attainable? Focusing on your qualities and your potential, imagine what your post-epiphany journey might look like.
You need to know yourself better, because there is no cookie-cutter approach to creating an optimal life outcome. It is unique to you.
I like cookies.
Exceeding Expectations
There are people for whom life has been criminally unfair. The cards they’ve been dealt are a puddle of cat puke.
It is possible, dear reader, you are one such unlucky feline-vomit recipient.
When it comes to body weight, myriad factors can add fat to your frame: genetics, environment, finances, abuse, mental illness, medical conditions, medication…. Regardless of a dream of getting in shape and/or bettering one’s life, there can be preexisting problems that will hamstring efforts.
People who proclaim anyone can achieve anything if they just work hard enough need to shut up and go far away, then shut up some more.
Life isn’t fair, and because it isn’t fair you must not feel shame or a need for comparison. Some have immense privilege. Others, their lives suck, and it is not of their own making.
And yet they are told to “Just do it.” They are shamed for their weight and shown photoshopped models on magazine covers as the “ideal” they should aspire to. Beyond that, there are the societal expectations to have fancier cars, nicer houses, bigger paychecks, better-looking spouses, and smarter children.
I’m calling bullshit on all that.
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