There are six “Mommy-No-No’s” that we do as women:
1. We act overly helpful by doing things for men that they should be doing for themselves (choosing his clothes, picking up after him, finding his keys).
2. We play verbal guessing games with men to try and pull information out of them. (“You’re hungry … how about some cereal? No? What about pretzels? Not pretzels? Okay, what if I make you some nice soup?”)
3. We assume men will be absentminded or forgetful and remind them of information they should remember by themselves. (“Don’t forget it’s trash night…” “Don’t forget to pick up milk …”)
4. We scold men as if they were children. (“How many times do I have to tell you to turn off the kitchen lights?”)
5. We take charge of activities that we assume they can’t do right. (Planning trips, taking the kids out to buy clothing.)
6. We correct and direct them when they don’t ask for our help. (Correcting their memory, offering the “right way”, to cook something.)
I know what you’re thinking… “But he always forgets where he put his keys” … “But if I don’t do it, it won’t get done …” Believe me, I’ve been there. All I can say is that you have much more to lose by behaving motherly than you do by waiting for him to find the keys once in a while. So here are my rules for you to follow if you want to transform yourself from a mother back into a lover:
Rule #1: Stop doing things for your mate that he can do for himself.
Rule #2: Treat him like a competent, reliable person.
Rule #3: Don’t speak to him in “Mommy-talk.”
Rule #4: Agree on what responsibilities are his in the relationship, and don’t take over even if he makes a mistake.
Rule #5: Make a list: “The ways I play Mommy …” Read it every day, and give him a copy so he can bust you when you fall off the wagon.
Hang in there, and remember—when you break the mothering habit, you will feel and act more like a woman, and he will feel and act more like a man.
My wife had a very tough childhood, lots of physical and verbal abuse and very little love. The result is that she has locked herself behind thick emotional walls, and no matter what I do, I can’t get through to her. I know she loves me, but she has a hard time showing it and is very withdrawn. Is it possible for someone like this to ever open up? What can I do to break through her walls?
Perhaps, like many of us who have loved someone in emotional pain, and wanted desperately to save that person, you haven’t asked your wife the most important questions: Do you want to change? Do you want to open up emotionally? Are you willing to do whatever it takes, counseling, reading, seminars, to heal yourself of the emotional damage from your childhood?
Whether your marriage works or not lies in her answer to these questions. If she wants to heal herself, and is willing to take action to do so, then you have a chance. But if she won’t, or can’t start a journey of recovery, you will need to face a very heartbreaking but necessary fact—your wife may be emotionally incapable of having the kind of healthy relationship you want, at least right now, and perhaps for a long time to come. Some people truly are too wounded, too damaged to love fully and freely. And ironically, your pressuring your wife to open up and let you in may actually make her feel even worse about herself and more like a failure than if she were in a less demanding relationship, or even lived alone.
While you’re asking her the questions I mentioned, you need to ask yourself some too, because it’s no accident that you are in this kind of relationship and are acting as a rescuer. Rescueholics tend to become involved with partners they feel compelled to help, whom they feel sorry for. This almost always goes back to your own unfinished emotional business from childhood. Maybe there was someone you couldn’t rescue, but wanted to, like an abused mom, an alcoholic dad, an ailing sibling. Or maybe the person you wanted someone else to rescue was yourself, so you’re acting it out as an adult. Do some emotional work on your own issues, because you may “need” her to be messed up in order to run out your own patterns.
Someone once said that you can’t force a flower to open its petals before it’s time. Find the courage to ask your wife if she’s ready to work on loving you the way you need to be loved, and know that the truth will set you both free.
7 Is it possible to “fall back in love” with someone after years of feeling dead and disinterested?
I’ve been married for twenty-eight years, and for the last ten, I’ve felt numb toward my partner. We’ve discussed divorce, but neither of us really wants to go out and start dating at this point in our lives. Is it possible for us to fall back in love again, or should we just accept the fact that our marriage is over?
It sounds to me like you are both not only numb to one another, but numb period. You aren’t interested in dating or starting your love life over again, and I’ll bet you feel kind of tired and blasé about everything. This could be a major turning point in your life, a moment where you look at one another and say, “I’m tired of feeling this tired of everything …-I’m tired of feeling numb … I’m ready to make some changes.”
The first step is to break through that numbness by confronting some of the issues that are sure to be lurking beneath the surface. You won’t be able to do this on your own—you’ll need help, and I suggest you find a well-trained therapist or marriage counselor who has an excellent reputation for helping couples in trouble. If you don’t get the results you want, try someone else, read books, attend seminars, etc. You won’t be able to tell if your marriage can be saved until you try everything. Then, if you decide it’s over, you can do so knowing you