Have you ever done this deliberate slowing down of life?
Do you think this is needed in your family at the moment?
It might need the help of others in your family to achieve this. Talk it over. Make practical decisions about what might have to be dropped or let go, to reduce the hurry and rush.
The River of Love
Sometimes it isn’t possible to create love out of nowhere. There is a shortage – everyone in the family is running on an empty tank. How can you fill each other up? If your life is feeling impossible, then there is something else you have to do. You have to get into the ‘river’.
We humans are a species that developed with strong social supports always surrounding us. For millions of years our ancestors lived in caring, supportive groups, large extended families or clans of twenty to forty people. So when we start a family, it’s quite urgent that we seek out the ‘village’ that we are going to need. Nothing is more important for parents than to receive love and care themselves, so that they can give it to their child.
“My parents were loving, but very uptight people. They’d come through World War II as children, but at least had done so among many relatives and lifelong friends. Then, when we migrated to Australia, they were cut off from family supports and long-established friendships. They were better off materially, but much more lonely. Like many migrants, they had got out of the river. I had to get back in on my own. As a young man, I spent about a decade hanging out with kind older people before I was really at ease in the world, confident enough to be a father.”
Will, 62
You must, if you are a parent, and especially if you are finding it hard, seek out kind people to talk to, hang around with, get encouragement from. I remember as a young dad, just having to go to a playground and talk to the first other parent who came along. But sometimes it needs someone older, less competing or judgemental. In your neighbourhood, workplace, or in more formal ways like counselling or parenting groups and courses, find people who are loving and learn from them. Accept their care and attention as a necessary part of your parental role.
How would you describe your own sociability at this time in your life?
(Tick the one that comes closest.)
□ 1. I am a lone wolf. Nobody knows me, or cares about me.
□ 2. I am a reluctant lone wolf. I would like more emotional support, but don’t know where to find it.
□ 3. I am starting to reach out, make friends and get help from supportive people.
□ 4. I am connecting with other people a lot now, and it’s really helping.
□ 5. I am well-nourished emotionally, and now enjoy being a support to younger parents or others. I am passing on what I received, and it’s a joy to do.
Who is there, in your world, that could give you more support and comfort, encouragement and help?
Could you let them know you need that?
How would it go?
What would it take to get a more supportive network around you?
Or even just one friendly face that you regularly can count on?
If you are an older parent, are there young parents in your world who could use some help or encouragement?
How could you do that?
By doing these two things – having more time, and finding people who can be kind to you and getting their help – the first two years of your daughter’s life will go so much better. And at any age from two to adult, doing this can help repair or strengthen what you have to give her, and the bond between you that results.
“I was the ultimate loner. We moved from place to place. I didn’t trust other people. I wasn’t good at making friends, and once or twice I tried and was badly taken advantage of. But having a baby I realized I just had to, and luckily other parents I have met have been just great. Kids are a great excuse for making friends.”
Donna, 22
WHAT IF WE MISSED THIS STAGE?
Perhaps you have older children, but you noticed when you filled in the profile of your daughter’s girlhood at the beginning of the book that she did not rate very well on this stage? Don’t fret! The great thing about children and teenagers is that they give you many chances. If a stage has not been fulfilled, they unconsciously know that, and will show signs that they want something from you. It might not be obvious – often naughtiness or arguing or having problems in the big world are the language they use to say ‘notice me’. Here are some clues to what you can do.
In The Secrets of Happy Children (both the book and the talks I give) we explain how, around the age of twelve, kids start a second babyhood. This is caused by the neurological meltdown or pruning phase in the brain that marks the start of adolescence and puberty. (Brain puberty does not always occur the same as the physical signs of puberty. Breast development can now come much sooner due to environmental influences. Brain puberty is still usually around the age of twelve.)
The effect of puberty on the brain is so great that a teenager recycles right through the stages of growing up, between twelve and eighteen (and longer with boys). The great thing about this is that you get a second chance to get these stages right. As a rough guide, if you subtract twelve from your daughter’s age, you will pinpoint what age she is going through for the second time. So many thirteen-year-olds are like babies – confused, a bit lost, but also very emotionally open. You can rebond with a thirteen-year-old, cuddle them, feed them and comfort them, and they will let you!
Fourteen-year-olds go through another ‘terrible twos’ stage, and so you will need to keep your sense of humour, but also hold firm on boundaries, and not let them get you riled into shouting or making threats you can’t keep (special dad alert here).
In spite of their actual age in years, many children stay stuck at the stage where they didn’t get what they needed. They wait there until we are able to figure out and provide the missing experiences. The great thing about this is that we get a second chance (and a third and a fourth and so on). We can get in and repair the holes. A timid child can be gradually encouraged to be more adventurous, and see the fun in it, and loosen up and be messy and loud. A child who didn’t learn friendship can talk about that with you, and make strategies and learn to be social. And an insecure child can begin to trust and relax. We can always fix the past if we are logical and a little bit brave. There’s a lot more about this in the chapters still to come.
A Secure and Loving Start … In a Nutshell
| For the under-twos, the main and most important thing they need
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