Part of understanding how to use boundaries is learning to look at interpersonal relationships and your own part in them. Then, deciding where and how to establish a boundary doesn’t just get easier, it becomes self-evident. The exercise above is your first step towards this.
Developing confidence in your own decision-making and its effect on your behaviour will make you happier as it means you are properly owning and taking care of yourself. In our experience: boundaries can give peace of mind. Boundaries give freedom. Boundaries are bliss.
STEP TWO: THE WORKPLACE
‘I put my heart and soul into my work, and lost my mind in the process.’
VINCENT VAN GOGH
We’ve all heard of the concept of work-life balance, but how many of us practice it? It’s too easy to work just a little longer to impress the boss, on the one hand; or to take an extra 20 minutes in the pub at lunchtime when you no longer care to impress anyone – on the other.
Thanks to technology, work has become even more consuming than it ever was. The reality of modern life also interferes with the best-laid plans – as our mobile devices have become ubiquitous, intrusive and often can seem impossible to escape. Would van Gogh have created so many of his 2,000-odd paintings, sketches and drawings had he also been checking his FB page several times each day? It’s a sobering thought.
So, establishing boundaries around your work will help you achieve balance on a practical level, improving your relations with colleagues and the boss, supporting you through workplace issues like bullying and romantic entanglements and making work life more pleasant overall. This section of the book applies regardless of whether you are employer, employee, freelancer, consultant, charity worker, stay-at-home mum (it’s definitely a full-time job), or intern. We’ll still be asking you to complete exercises – remember, there are no right or wrong answers – and keep adding notes to build your Learning Journal.
We talked about social media in Step One: Me, Myself and I, and we’ve built on that with advice concerning all forms of mobile distraction, engagement and temptation. But we’re also interested in exploring those other intangible boundaries that dictate how we relate to our colleagues, bosses and employees, as these relationships are some of the most intense and therefore time-consuming that we have during our lives.
For example, it can be easy to believe that work relationships are crucial to our happiness – how often do you hear people refer to my ‘work husband’ or ‘work wife’? Indeed, a 2006 survey quoted by CNN Money found that 32 per cent of office workers said they have an office ‘spouse,’ with many having more than one. But that perceived importance is not necessarily based in reality. Their value often lies more in how they affect our outside relationships and the way we treat ourselves.
In the UK, we typically spend 40.8 hours a week at work, compared to a European average of 38.1 hours according to the European Foundation for the Improvement of Living and Working Conditions. If this time is full of tension and conflict on an interpersonal level, let alone tiring and stressful physically, we’re setting ourselves up for misery.
Learning to understand your colleagues and improve your work relationships is a vital first step towards improving your working life. We’ve identified five key workplace roles to help you to understand how often boundaries are breached and broken all day every day, and to teach you how to deal with different types of colleagues as well as your own behaviour.
As you read through the characters, note down in your Learning Journal where you recognise yourself or someone you know from your workplace. Be aware – workers may well fit into one or more set of characteristics; indeed you may move from one set to another yourself.
The A-Lister
Always anxious about their health, the ‘A-Lister’ (where A stands for Ailment) is either off work with ‘another virus’ regularly, or can be seen seeking sympathy in the office by bringing symptoms into the workplace or constantly discussing them. Not necessarily hypochondriac, the A-Lister’s concerns may be quite real.
This behaviour is essentially Child-like and pushes others’ self-boundaries by demanding sympathy, attention and perhaps support with the workload or a difficult boss.
Think of the Drama Triangle – this character is in the Victim position, wanting to be Rescued, but of course also inviting Persecution. Reactions can range from ‘Poor you’ (Rescuer) to ‘Not again’ (Persecutor).
BRING IN THE BOUNDARIES:
Your A-Lister Plan
If this is you …
Ask yourself a few questions:
• Can you remember when you first started to feel constantly unwell – that sense of picking up every bug going around?
• Does this chime with starting your current job or a recent career move?
• Perhaps it coincides with a change in work location or management?
The tangible symptoms of illness (however mild) can actually be a sign that you feel vulnerable and uncomfortable, and the only way to get support is to be ill. This would be particularly true if you are in a workplace you find toxic (either as a Victim being Rescued or Persecuted).
Draw the Line: workplaces can become toxic. Don’t let them poison your thinking.
Perhaps changing jobs or work locations is not an option, so think what can be done to make working life more pleasant. Can you see where you need to put better boundaries in place? Ask yourself the following questions and note down the answers in your Learning Journal:
• When you are at work, do you take on more than your colleagues? Do you work through your lunch hours? Do you balance work with good self-care?
• Are you in a job you think you should be doing, not the one you wanted to do?
• Could you build up your skill set to help facilitate a change when the time is right? Might those skills relate to something you always wanted to do?
• What was your dream job growing up? If your answer is ‘I wanted to be a ballerina’ – that might seem impossible now, but it’s not too late to bring dance and creativity in some way back into your life. For frustrated landscape gardeners, are you missing the opportunity to do something practical, get your hands dirty and connect with nature?
If this is your colleague …
Examine the boundaries of your relationship with them. Think about what you are experiencing.
Do you feel drawn continually to help? Do you stand up for them when other people are complaining, or do you give them the cold shoulder, irritated by their constant whining?
If you’ve identified that you are a Rescuer (meaning you feel drawn to help them), you will need to redraw the boundary and evaluate your own self-care.
Have you been staying longer to help the other catch up – so they don’t get in trouble with the boss? Have you been stuck by the kettle for hours as they offload their symptoms? Notice this will all be having an impact on your own work and life.
Draw the Line: when we Rescue there is always a cost to ourselves (this may emerge in the short or long term).
Start with your self-boundary. Only offer help at a level that will not deplete your own resources or affect your own wellbeing. Perhaps it is time to talk to your colleague, to express your feelings and explain your own position and limitations. You may be experiencing this colleague as leaning too far in and beginning to be uncomfortable. Areas that need to be addressed are your need for some