Women. Chloe Caldwell

Can I kiss you? or Is this okay? As she describes it later, there is no teeth clanking, no awkwardness, just fucking, and no fumbling. In my head I think something like: So this is how they do it. Her hand up my T-shirt, her palm tenderly placed on my lower back. Her mouth open and warm.

      In my memory it happens quickly – everything of hers in everything of mine. Fingers and tongue. Her palms on my back, her hands in my hair, her breath in my ear saying babybabybaby. I want you so bad, I say. I remember this surprising me. It rolled out of my mouth so naturally: I want you so bad. Where did it come from? Since when had I wanted her so bad? Why had I not been conscious of it? She puts me in different positions: fucks me from behind with her hand, on her face, against the wall, on the bedroom carpet. I moan. At one point I ask her how many and what is inside of me, and she laughs and says she doesn’t even know. Go have sex.

      Never have I ever had sex with a woman. I don’t want to take my leggings off because my legs aren’t shaved. It is winter and I haven’t been having sex so I haven’t shaved in weeks and now I am embarrassed. But Finn says, Girls don’t care about things like that. At the edge of the bed, after we both finish, she smooths my hair from my forehead and says, I could totally fall in love with you. How do you know I’m already not? I begin to cry. I am already aware this will not turn out well. We are both aware. When I start crying, she says, Oh no, what are we doing – this is not what you need. No, it was not what I needed. But maybe what I wanted.

      Waking up the next morning, I feel as though I am a different person. I feel high, invigorated with adrenaline. I call my best friend, Lily, and tell her what happened. Was it like, the best head of your life? she asks. I have an email from Finn, checking to make sure I am okay. I write back, telling her I’m great. Better than ever. And she says, Who fucking knew, right? It’s like we starred in our own movie last night. She calls me after we email. When I answer the phone, we both immediately begin laughing. We keep laughing and laughing together. From nerves and from how ridiculous our night seemed.

      Finn tells me on her drive home she saw a cop. If they pulled me over I would have been screwed, she says, because I smelled like whiskey, wine, and pussy. We decide we want to hang out again tonight, and that Finn will meet me where I am babysitting.

      The kids are asleep when Finn shows up and we sit on opposite ends of the couch watching Seinfeld on TV. We’re shy about touching now, after all the fucking. She drives us back to The Aquarium where I take a shower after setting her up with an episode of The Sopranos. I love seeing her comfortable in my bed, hearing her laughter as I shower. I get into the bed with wet hair and we sleep some, kiss some, and talk some. We’re both drained, emotionally, physically. She leaves in the wee hours of the morning to let out her dog.

      Sunday night I call her to come back again. I am upstairs drinking wine with my roommate but I lie and say I have to go to the basement and Skype with my mom because my roommate knows Finn has a girlfriend. Finn drives back over and sneaks through the back door. We’ve been in bed making love for three days and no one but us knows. She tells me about the song ‘Those Three Days’ by Lucinda Williams. Later I will learn how terrified she is of anything dark or depressing – films or music or literature, so looking back, I am surprised she suggested we listen to that song. She did warn me ahead of time, Maybe we shouldn’t, it’s depressing. But I want to, and she holds me while we listen to it, not talking. In the early morning, when she is getting ready to leave, she stands at the foot of my bed. She finds my foot under the comforter and lifts it to her lips, kisses it, sets it back down. I don’t know any other way to say this, but you rock my world, she says. We both giggle. Well, she chuckles. (Girls like me don’t giggle, she says.)

      A few hours later my phone interrupts my sleep. It’s Finn. She says she wanted to hear my voice. She has left work for her lunch break and is walking to buy a slice of pizza. She tells me she is trying to write about our past three days, but all she comes up with is blue and womb and holy fucking hell.