‘I knew what you were when we married,’ she sobbed, ‘and I thought I had learned to handle it. But this … Ragen, I just can’t bear the thought of losing you both. I can’t!’
A hand rested on Arlen’s shoulder, giving him a start. Margrit stood there, a stern look on her face. ‘You shouldn’t be listening to this,’ she said, and Arlen felt ashamed for his spying. He was about to leave when he caught the Messenger’s words.
‘All right,’ Ragen said. ‘I’ll tell Arlen he can’t come, and stop encouraging him.’
‘Really?’ Elissa sniffled.
‘I promise,’ Ragen said. ‘And when I get back from Harden’s Grove,’ he added, ‘I’ll take a few months off and keep you so fertilized that something can’t help but grow.’
‘Oh, Ragen!’ Elissa laughed, and Arlen heard her fall into his arms.
‘You’re right,’ Arlen told Margrit. ‘I had no right to listen to that.’ He swallowed the angry lump in his throat. ‘But they had no right to discuss it in the first place.’
He went up to his room and began packing his things. Better to sleep on a hard pallet in Cob’s shop than in a soft bed that came at the cost of his right to make his own decisions.
For months, Arlen avoided Ragen and Elissa. They stopped by Cob’s shop often to see him, but he was not to be found. They sent servants to make overtures, but the results were the same.
Without use of Ragen’s stable, Arlen bought his own horse and practised riding in the fields outside the city. Mery and Jaik often accompanied him, the three of them growing closer. Mery frowned upon the practice, but they were all still young, and the simple joy of galloping a horse about the fields drove other feelings away.
Arlen worked with increasing autonomy in Cob’s shop, taking calls and new customers unsupervised. His name became known in warding circles, and Cob’s profits grew. He hired servants and took on more apprentices, leaving the bulk of their training to Arlen.
Most evenings, Arlen and Mery walked together, taking in the colours of the sky. Their kisses grew hungrier, both wanting more, but Mery always pulled away before it went too far.
‘You’ll be done with your apprenticeship in another year,’ she kept saying. ‘We can marry the next day, if you wish, and you can ravish me every night from then on.’
One morning when Cob was away from the shop, Elissa paid a visit. Arlen, busy talking to a customer, didn’t notice her until it was too late.
‘Hello, Arlen,’ she said when the customer left.
‘Hello, Lady Elissa,’ he replied.
‘There’s no need to be so formal,’ Elissa said.
‘I think informality confused the nature of our relationship,’ Arlen replied. ‘I don’t want to repeat the error.’
‘I’ve apologized again and again, Arlen,’ Elissa said. ‘What will it take for you to forgive me?’
‘Mean it,’ Arlen answered. The two apprentices at the workbench looked at one another, then got up in unison and left the room.
Elissa took no notice of them. ‘I do,’ she said.
‘You don’t,’ Arlen replied, gathering some books from the counter and moving to put them away. ‘You’re sorry that I overheard, and took offence. You’re sorry that I left. The only thing you’re not sorry about is what you did, making Ragen refuse to take me.’
‘It’s a dangerous trip,’ Elissa said carefully.
Arlen slammed down the books, and met Elissa’s eyes for the first time. ‘I’ve made the trip a dozen times in the last six months,’ he said.
‘Arlen!’ Elissa gasped.
‘I’ve been to the Duke’s Mines, as well,’ Arlen went on. ‘And the South Quarries; everywhere within a day of the city. I’ve made my circles, and the Messenger guild’s been courting me ever since I gave them my application, taking me wherever I want to go. You’ve accomplished nothing. I won’t be caged, Elissa. Not by you, not by anyone.’
‘I never wanted to cage you, Arlen, only to protect you,’ Elissa said softly.
‘That was never your place,’ Arlen said, turning back to his work.
‘Perhaps not,’ Elissa sighed, ‘but I only did it because I care. Because I love you.’
Arlen paused, refusing to look at her.
‘Would it be so bad, Arlen?’ Elissa asked. ‘Cob isn’t young, and he loves you like a son. Would it be such a curse to take over his shop and marry that pretty girl I’ve seen you with?’
Arlen shook his head. ‘I’m not going to be a Warder, not ever.’
‘What about when you retire, like Cob?’
‘I’ll be dead before then,’ Arlen said.
‘Arlen! What a terrible thing to say!’
‘Why?’ Arlen asked. ‘It’s the truth. No Messenger keeps working and manages to die of old age.’
‘But if you know it’s going to kill you, then why do it?’ Elissa demanded.
‘Because I’d rather live a few years knowing I’m free than spend decades in a prison.’
‘Miln is hardly a prison, Arlen,’ Elissa said.
‘It is,’ he insisted. ‘We convince ourselves that it’s the whole world, but it isn’t. We tell ourselves that there’s nothing out there we don’t have here, but there is. Why do you think Ragen keeps Messengering? He has all the money he could ever spend.’
‘Ragen is in service to the Duke. He has a duty to do the job, because no one else can.’
Arlen snorted. ‘There are other Messengers, Elissa, and Ragen looks at the Duke like he was a bug. He doesn’t do it out of loyalty, or honour. He does it because he knows the truth.’
‘What truth?’
‘That there’s more out there than there is in here,’ Arlen said.
‘I’m pregnant, Arlen,’ Elissa said. ‘Do you think Ragen will find that somewhere else?’
Arlen paused. ‘Congratulations,’ he said at last. ‘I know how much you wanted it.’
‘That’s all you have to say?’
‘I suppose you’ll expect Ragen to retire, then. A father can’t risk himself, can he?’
‘There are other ways to fight demons, Arlen. Every birth is a victory against them.’
‘You sound just like my father,’ Arlen said.
Elissa’s eyes widened. As long as she had known Arlen, he’d never spoken of his parents.
‘He sounds like a wise man,’ she said softly.
She’d said the wrong thing. Elissa knew it immediately. Arlen’s face hardened into something she had never seen before; something frightening.
‘He wasn’t wise!’ Arlen shouted, throwing a cup of brushes to the floor.