Finally, I will suggest a variety of ways you can reduce stress in relationships by engaging in the world and reaching out to enrich your life. When you learn to cope more effectively with stress and remember the gender differences that are hardwired into our brains, you will blame stress, rather than your partner, for your problems. Instead of waiting for your partner to change, you will learn how to lower your own stress levels. When your stress is reduced, you will be freed from the compulsion to blame or change your partner. Instead, you will remember and experience the pleasure of loving and accepting your partner just the way he or she is, as you did when you first fell in love. Mars and Venus orbit around the sun on their own paths in harmony, just as men and women must do to create lasting love.
For additional support, join millions of others who visit me each week at my Web site, www.marsvenus.com. You can reinforce your new understanding of our differences by watching my free Internet TV show or listening to my radio show. On a regular basis, I answer your online questions on relationships and the biochemisty of health and happiness. In addition, to get extra relationship support regarding your personal situation at any time or place, either planned or when a crisis occurs, you can talk online or by phone with a Mars Venus relationship coach. You can also listen to our regular conference calls, in which I explore many strategies and resources to improve communication, lower stress, and enjoy better health, happiness, and loving relationships.
In addition, I invite you to join the Mars Venus Wellness Community on my Web site, where I give gender-specific advice for healthy nutrition and the cellular cleansing of your body. Just as adjustments in your behavior can make a big difference in lowering your stress levels, small but significant changes in what you eat and how you exercise can make a substantial difference as well.
As you read Why Mars and Venus Collide, I hope you share my enthusiasm and begin to talk about these new insights and resources with everyone you know. Together we can create a better world, one relationship at a time.
—John Gray, Ph.D., April 2007
CHAPTER ONE
WHY MARS AND VENUS COLLIDE
Here is a scenario that plays out every night, everywhere:
Susan balances her laptop and the grocery bags she is carrying as she opens the door to the condo she shares with her husband, Marc.
“Hi, sorry I’m late. What a day!” she calls out over the sound of the TV coming from the den.
“Hi, hon,” he responds. “I’ll be there in a sec. Just want to watch this play.”
Susan drops the bags on the counter and begins to sort through the mail Marc left there. She pulls a bottle of water from the refrigerator. “I picked up some salad makings to go with the leftover turkey chili,” she calls to Marc, who saunters into the kitchen.
“Oh, I finished the chili when you called to say you’d be late. I was starving.” He leans in to give her a kiss. “Are you ready for your presentation?”
“I was looking forward to having it for dinner, before I do more work on the PowerPoint. I don’t feel it’s as good as it could be. My supervisor is really counting on me. I’m so anxious about this.”
“I’m sure it’s great! You’re overthinking it,” he says, trying to reassure her. “You’re such a perfectionist.”
“Not really. I just don’t feel it’s right yet. This is really important.”
“Maybe we should go out for a bite—it will relax you. I can skip the game.”
“Are you kidding? I have too much on my mind, and I want to get a good night’s rest.”
“Well, we could order in—”
“I’m trying to eat healthy food—pizza won’t do it. I’ll make scrambled eggs or an omelet and toast. I could use some comfort food.”
“Whatever …”
“By the way, did you remember to pick up my black pantsuit?”
When she sees Marc’s expression, her blood boils. “I can’t believe you forgot. I planned to wear that suit tomorrow.”
“You have a walk-in closet packed with clothes—”
“That’s not the point—I even reminded you.”
“Well, I’ll get up early and be there when the dry cleaner’s opens in the morning—I was too tired to do another thing.”
“Just forget it. I want to leave early.”
“I’m really sorry, Susan—it slipped my mind.”
“Right. Thanks a lot. All I wanted was a little help so I can be prepared for an important day tomorrow.”
It is clear from this exchange that the evening ahead will not be relaxing for Susan and Marc, who are headed for a fight. At the very best, they will certainly not be in the mood for romance. What happened between Susan and Marc demonstrates friction points that are common in relationships today. Susan’s high-pressure job, her expectations regarding her husband’s contribution around the house, his forgetfulness, his dismissal of her anxiety, and his attempt to offer solutions to her problems make for an explosive situation.
As you read Why Mars and Venus Collide, you will learn to recognize the assumptions we make every day that fail to take into account how different men and women really are.
We need to challenge our assumptions about how men and women should be and begin to appreciate in practical terms who we are, what we can offer each other, and how we can team up to solve the new problems we face today. We can create a new blueprint for male and female roles that can bring us closer together harmoniously.
Our biggest problem at home is that women expect men to react and behave the way women do, while men continue to misunderstand what women really need. Without a correct and positive understanding of these differences, most couples gradually begin to feel they are on their own rather than relying on the support they felt at the beginning of their relationship.
Women mistakenly expect men to react and behave the way women do, while men continue to misunderstand what women really need.
Men love to solve problems, but when their efforts are misdirected and go unappreciated, they lose interest over time. When this challenge is correctly understood, men become much more skillful in helping women cope with the burden of increasing stress in their lives. This book helps to explain this dilemma in a way that most men can understand and appreciate. Even if a woman’s partner doesn’t read this book, there is still hope. Why Mars and Venus Collide is not just about men understanding women. It is also about women understanding themselves and learning how to ask effectively for the support they need. Women will learn new ways to communicate their needs, but more important, women readers will learn how to avoid pushing away the support men already want to give.
Here’s another scenario:
Joan is cleaning up the remains of the children’s dinner when she hears Steve’s car pull into the garage. He comes through the mudroom, having an urgent conversation on his cell phone.