Each day in our pediatric practice we hear tired parents sigh, “If only our baby would sleep more.” In all our years of writing books and of practising pediatrics, our goal has been to do good things for babies and make life easier for parents. We believe that helping babies sleep better is not only good for them, but good for parents. Parents who get enough sleep at night will be happier during the day.
Over the years, we have devoted a lot of time and energy to the sleep problems parents in our practice share with us. We have offered these tired parents many suggestions for helping their baby sleep longer, and we have asked them to report back to us about which worked and what didn’t. We have also asked parents who have visited our website (www.askdrsears.com) to share their sleep problems and solutions with us. As a result, much of the advice in this book comes from parents like yourselves who have struggled to help their babies sleep, found solutions, and willingly shared them with us. You will find quotes (the ones in italics) from these parents sprinkled throughout the book. We’ve also taken the advice of these parents on how to write a book about sleep. They told us, “Cut right to the plan.” This is why the first two chapters of this book contain our step-by-step approach to help your infant and toddler sleep healthier and happier.
As authors we lose sleep reading many of the baby sleep books currently on bookstore shelves, since most of them are yet another variation on the tired old theme: “Just let your baby cry it out.” This tough love for babies is like training a pet, and taking this approach to parenting babies at night puts families in a lose-lose situation. Babies may eventually give up crying and go to sleep, but they lose their trust in their parents to meet their nighttime needs. This can’t be good for a baby. Parents lose because this quick ticket to the promised land of sleep keeps them from learning about their baby’s individual sleep needs along the way. Most baby sleep books preach the extremes: either cry it out (forcing baby to sleep) or tough it out (just hang in there). Neither of these approaches is fair to tiny babies or tired parents. Instead, ours is a sleep tools approach.
If babies could talk, they would say: “Please don’t force me to sleep; instead, teach me to sleep. After all, I’m just a baby!” Sleep is not a state you should try to force a baby into. It’s better to set conditions that allow sleep to overtake baby and that make self-settling and sleeping longer, easier and more attractive to baby. Yes, you read it correctly – self-settling, which does not imply selfish parenting. While newborns and young babies need help from parents to relax and fall asleep, older babies will eventually learn to settle themselves. Depending on their temperaments and need levels, different babies will master self-settling skills at different ages, but parents can do a lot to help them along. It requires commitment, time, and sensitivity to teach your baby how to sleep and how to go back to sleep. In this book, we’ll show you how.
how to read this book
In response to our “advisers” (sleepless parents) we begin this book by giving you steps and tools to help your baby sleep so you can begin our sleep plan right away. But, nighttime parenting is not just a list of sleep tools, it’s a relationship with your baby. So, if you’re not too tired, you may want to read chapter 3 first. It will help you understand how babies sleep – or don’t! After you’ve read the first three chapters then you are ready to put all these sleep tools together into your baby’s individual sleep plan (ISP), which we show you how to do in chapter 4. The rest of the book takes you to a deeper understanding of all the sleep tools listed in the first four chapters. Promise you’ll read the whole book!
We could have just written a booklet in cookbook fashion with a catchy title such as Two Weeks to Sleeping through the Night – Twenty Tips. This has never been our way of writing. Parenting is too precious to be cheapened by such gimmicks. Instead, in this book we have taken our usual approach: giving you the tools to become your own expert in your baby and to help you work out your own style of nighttime parenting.
This is a book of options, not “should do’s”. There is no one-bed-fits-all approach to helping babies sleep. We will give you tools and help you select the ones which fit the sleep temperament of your child so that you can create an individual sleep plan. Helping your baby learn to sleep better is not like following a diet or exercise regimen. There’s a lot of give and take, and the options you choose to try will depend on your baby’s personality. Just as there are quiet and more active babies in the daytime, there are sound sleepers and frequent wakers during the night. Some high-strung babies are not fans of sleep in general and will need an extra set of tools to help them want to sleep longer.
This is also a book about options for different family lifestyles and different philosophies of nighttime parenting. Realistically, many parents juggle many different sleeping arrangements during the years their children are small. There are co-sleepers, cot sleepers, and families who play musical beds. One baby may start out as a cot sleeper and then upgrade to being a co-sleeper, and then back to a cot sleeper. There is no right arrangement for every family. The one that gets all family members the best night’s sleep is the right arrangement for your family. Yet, the key is to be open to trying various sleeping arrangements at various stages of your child’s development until you arrive at one that works for your family. The important thing is to keep working at it. Sleep is important. Higher quality sleep is associated with happier and healthier babies – and parents.
Nighttime parenting is a season of child rearing. Yes, your baby will eventually sleep through the night. Now, you may wonder how to get your infants down to sleep at night. In a few years, you’ll be wondering how to get them up in the morning. Remember, the nights of baby in your arms, at your breasts and in your bed is a very short while in the total life of your child. Yet the memories of your love and availability last a lifetime.
We wish you and your child years of restful sleep.
William, Robert and Martha Sears San Clemente, California February 2005
five steps to get your baby to sleep better
You are probably thinking, “Wow, it’s only the first chapter and we’re getting right to the point!” That’s because we assume you’re too tired to wade through a lot of the sleep facts and theories which we’ve placed in chapter 3. You just need to get your baby to sleep longer stretches.
But, here’s the bargain. In order to make these five steps work best, you still need to learn a lot about how and why infants sleep differently than adults, and how to develop a realistic attitude about nighttime parenting. So, promise to read the rest of the book as soon as your whole family is more rested. Do we have a deal? This chapter is designed to help a baby of any age sleep longer, and more importantly, to get you a better night’s sleep. After you read this first chapter we hope you and your baby will be ready to sleep soundly the whole night through. Maybe you’ll be ready, but unfortunately your baby won’t just yet. But trust us. We’ll help you all get there soon.
Here’s a preview of the five steps you will now learn:
Find out where you and baby sleep best.
Learn baby’s tired times.